Perfectly Paisley

Perfectly Paisley part 3

We had to wait till Paisley was 4 1/2 years old before she could speak. I sometimes felt for sure that we would never hear the sound of her beautiful voice. It was almost 3 years ago to the date that Paisley and I would have our first form of communication. To this very day it brings such great emotion. If you ever wondered if you'd here you child say I love you, or I want a drink to as simple as yes and no then this might be a little silly, but for this family and most for families with children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, it a very real reality and heart breaking longing that for far to many go un-grieved.

Edward, Amber, Paisley and Myself attended family fall festival at a new church we were attending. Amber, Edward and myself were changing shifts serving both the community and by taking care of our Paisley. It was difficult, and that would be an understatement. While Paisley's mood was tolerable we were having to take her off the performing concert stage which happened to be her favorite place to be. She wouldn't interact with anyone and when there was to many people around her she would met down, into pulling her hair, biting her arms till they bleed, and blood curdling screaming that seemed to last for hours. It was best that I take her home. I knew she was exhausted, after all I was stretched beyond reset button so I knew she must.
I plucked her cuteness into her car seat strapped her in so tight, trying to apply pressure everywhere to calm her down. After about 15 minuets she began to calm. I got into the car and began the drive home. The car was quite warm and you could barely hear the humming of the engine. I adjusted my review mirror so I could see paisley, and I said " Paisley do you want to take a bath?" and there was silence........ for about 5 minuets, then paisley replied "no", I felt my heart jump so I said "Paisley do you want to go to sleep?" and again there was complete silence and it seemed to just drag on and on and on, I was just  beginning to agree in my heart that she really was not talking to me and that she just said no when Paisley reply "yes!"   and it accrued to me that we had just had our first conversation. Though it was simple as a yes in no response my heart was leaping for joy! I tucked that sweet angle in next to me and I held her the rest of the evening.

By this time we were well into our was of being that family that celebrated every achievement wither great or small with cheering and extravagant love. Thank night God was letting me on a secret. Conversation happens at his pace and the success of that with Paisley will take time and believe me if this could be measured in monetary  sums in my opinion it was work millions and I had just won the lottery, the lottery of communication.

This was the platform where speaking with paisley would begin!
In the following year we began to decode paisley language for different meanings by unraveling our Perfectly Paisley

Snuggle = rub my armpit lightly till I fall asleep and at 7 it still means the same thing.
Aaah = Protest of what ever is happening
Poke = I have a rough potion on my finger nail and it still is that way.
Shock = means sore throat and it's used now for anything that is bothering her in the mouth or throat.
Vada = Chocking

And as she has grown they have expanded, but rarely were any of these used in a manner that made sense, but that didn't matter to us.
Don't smell the butt it's a rude
It's dangerous to fly a bike to the hokey pokey
Don't hit the friend be kindness
Hey we are professionals
Mom do you need Jesus coffee
Yes that right awh ha
Think about it if it's smart
Don't poop on the dog
It's not good to cut your finger
The eye is not for pulling on
Bad breath is not good it's bad
Don't touch the butt
Grace is amazing
Don't say shut up say shoot and it's not nice to flick the squishy arms.
Tink we are almost to the boarder
Blooding is not fun
If it doesn't work it's broken and needs to charge
Huot's not happy honey with the light off
Just look at the sky it's there
The sun makes pepper in the eye


Remember to Listen slowly, follow carefully, strive to understand every mood expression sound and grab every moment being a mom and dad has to offer.


Perfectly Paisley part 4 to come.

Perfectly Paisey

Perfectly Paisley It's a love story pt2

My husband, our oldest daughter Ambrose, and myself jumped all in this journey to discover how to be the best family for Paisley. We all went to play "trainings" on how to play with Paisley, to make eye contact, and to understand the ups and downs of Autism. Paisley began her speech, and occupational therapy's.

We had been working together as a team, but as a mother going to her doctor appointments and filling out those forms that tell how your child is developing was painful. I could feel that there was this fear deep in my heart that occasionally spilled out. At every doctor appointment she was falling on average 2 months behind each time and the in your face proof that she wasn't progressing.

We had worked and worked and worked on her interacting with children of her age, to engage in simple play. We'd get so excited if she even stood next to a child, or picked up the toy they had first played with, to even playing with a toy in it's intended form. Our daughter was rounding 2 and she was becoming more and more introverted and my heart was quaking.

After 6 to 8 months of continued therapy hard work and concentrated methods of development strategies, I took Paisley to a neighborhood park where children her age were playing. I watched as she walked out onto the play ground and just stood there. I look as the other children were climbing little steps going down little slides and communicating with there parent/s, pointing and interacting, then I looked at my daughter, she went under the play ground equipment and started to bang her wrist on the cold steel. I walked over to her and called her name and she didn't even look up. I picked her up and put her on the slide, where as soon as she reached the bottom she went right back to the steel pool and commenced banging her wrist. My heart broke. Months of heard work, interactive play therapy OT, Speech, Doctors appointments and so on had not changed anything right then. I sat on a bench and overwhelmed with defeat I cried. I said for the first time out loud that this isn't working and that I had no idea how to fix this.

In between my heart sobs I heard His voice, What so wrong with her the way she is? I paused and my tears stopped falling. Well nothing my heart spoke back. Then his voice again said... I have made her perfect, flawless. When will you see her for how I made her instead of who, what or how she is socially excepted. She is not meant for the charts but for celebration.
It was as if there was a burden lifted. I didn't need to fix what was not broken but instead to celebrate every good thing, every positive experience, and every tiny goal achieved.

 We started doing everything at Paisley's pace. I have not looked at a chart since we decided that the only people that needed to change was us.  Our compassion grew, our patients seemed to have no end, and as a family we really fell in love with our new perspective of Paisley.

It took us months to figure out that between trial and error our daughter was suffering from terrible motion sickness and because she couldn't communicate anything to us regarding that feeling she would be overwhelmed. We learned that every little thing had to be done in certain number sequences and every task had to be broken down into do able step. We had to show paisley by pictures, and talking what was going to happen so that she wasn't fearful. We worked for hours on going in and out of the car, what side to enter, and in what order would we put on her seat belt. It had to be done the same why all the time. We were learning to live life in a routine.

OUR GREAT MOVE

We moved to Arizona when Paisley was 2.5. she wasn't talking still although she was using a communication binder and a few unrecognizable signs. Paisley started to exhibit different behaviors then what we were used to. Her jumping and flapping became a almost all the time behavior along with self stimulation. Though our patients were growing so were the signs that our daughter had autism. I took her to a Phycologist at children where I had received a soft diagnosis.  But, because she was under the age of three she would not receive any services. So I prepared. I had what seemed like hundreds of pieces of paper that made up her medical records. I began to place them all in a binder by the year, and placing the most important and most asked for often document near the front for easy access. This binder system would become my life savor.

I discovered that we were fast approaching having awkward conversations with people regarding our daughters behavior.  Our daughter was self stimulating more and more and it was not something we were able to stop, we tried all our newly established tricks and it just was not taking. One day we were approached by a church pastor. He asked about our home life, if Paisley had experience trauma or if we subjected our daughter to adult movies. He went on to explain that church staff was really uncomfortable not reporting us to CPS for child abuse and wanted to know why paisley played with her self.  It wasn't that we had not explained our child or her behaviors but they just did not understand. We were unable to alleviate their fears and so we were asked to pull our daughter out of children's church. My husband and I started a knew and much more challenging phase of parenting.

As paisley grew so did her behaviors and her what we call now melt downs and they seemed daily. I wanted to pull my hair out. Amber would just cry sometimes because we would be at a loss. For somethings that had worked stopped working and we felt the heavy pressure of finding new solid ground.

Documents to hold onto and never ever loose:

All diagnosis
Make sure that doctors are specific in what they write, not leaving any room for error.
Immunization
Birth Certificates
IEP's
All Evaluations
All doctor appointments and results

Part 3 of Perfectly Paisley Love story coming!

Perfectly Paisley { The Journey of Autism }

Perfectly Paisley { The Journey of Autism }

After several miscarriages my husband and I gave birth to a beautiful little girl we named Paisley Opal in 2008. Paisley was born early due to complications and spent the first week in the NICU. Upon bringing her home it was followed by weeks of intensive care to monitor her heart and oxygen levels . But none of that mattered. We were thrilled and considered her life a blessing.

Paisley was a unique baby girl, she hardly ever cried and preferred to sleep in her crib from the start, she was quite. It was about 15 months into being her parents that we noticed a significant change in the progress of her development. You all know those signs as parents when your child is to meet the basic mile stones of development, our little Paisley stopped progressing, stopped making eye contact and even wouldn't eat certain things.

I was concerned that something was wrong so I took her to her pediatrician, but to no conclusion I was dismissed as an overly concerned mom, who was anxious due to past miscarriages and complications. Her decline was not slow, in fact it was abrupt and what I would consider violent. Our sweet Paisley went from being content and interactive to no interaction what so ever, to starring off into nothing, to banging her head on the walls and scrapping her nails past the wick to the point of bleeding with no registry of pain. She began to choke on her food and instead of swallowing she would play with the food in her mouth.

We took Paisley back to her pediatrician and explained what was happening to our little girl and my concerns were just increasing. Again I was dismissed and told that every child develops differently. Our problems increased daily and leaving the house as a family became tremendously difficult. We noticed that most things we did with Paisley as simple as activities of daily living had to be done in sequences of three.  We had to sing certain song to calm her extreme melt downs. She stopped making sounds all together. I felt hopeless, I knew that something was happening with my little girl but could not get any help. Thus began my husbands and my mission to unravel the mystery of our Paisley.

Because I couldn't get the attention of her pediatrician I kept a three week journal of everything Paisley, from the foods she was given there times, our daily routines, house moods, behaviors she displayed and the way we tried to redirect them and how many times we tried, melt downs, what was happening prior to them and how we calmed her down. Things she tended to enjoy and her overall cognitive functions. During this time we started to research how to put a name on what Paisley and our family was experiencing. After 3 weeks of doing this I made another appointment and the pediatrician would not look at my journal and I was frustrated. So I asked to see a different pediatrician who echoed the first. So I continued what I was doing. It was when Paisley was nearly 2 that I finally got her pediatrician to believe me. I had taken her to the doctor again and by the mercy of God Paisley began to demonstrate self mutilation tendency's and I didn't try to stop her. Her behavior became disruptive for the doctor, so when the doctor tried to stop the behavior with out success, she gave me a referral to a Washington program called Birth to Three.

During this time my husband and I had discovered that we were experiencing what most parents of children with Autism would describe. We also discovered the many hardships these families faced, and the difficulties children, people with Autism Spectrum disorder experience. We had our first evaluation, but because Paisley was to young to receive a diagnosis we were forced to settle with possible Interactive Sensory Integration Disorder.  In short Paisley wasn't able to process basic sensory functions. We were assigned two wonderful therapist who would later become part of our family is a huge way.

Here are some of the things we were dealing with before her official diagnosis.
Screaming for hours
Hitting her self
Hitting her head against the wall
Biting her self
Not eating
Loss of ability to swallow
Staring into nothing
Would not look at faces but past them
Would not respond to voices
Decline in mobility from walking to crawling to scooting along the floor
Would sleep for hours on end
Couldn't take her anywhere without screaming to the point of vomiting
Melt down triggered by certain songs / tones / smells / lights

She responded well to the following things.
Light touch in certain places
Heavy or weighted objects laying on her
Covering her eyes and putting her in a blanket to swing her
Singing certain songs
In sink breathing
Pattern lights
Door bells

More to come on the next blog:

A Journey Worth Taking

                                 

A Journey Worth Taking

Finding Hope In Marriage

What we look to we rejoice in ~ Gloria

I have been with my husband 11 years and 8 of them married. It's true that most marriages go through the 7/11 year blues, and I'd have to say in part because we change, and hopefully in a upward trajectory. But, I believe mostly that most woman set the bar for how they are to be treated far to low. I set mine unknowingly so low that a potatoe bug could have rolled over it. I am not saying that my husband is a potatoe bug but I can tell you that my perception weather I voiced it or was unaware at the time of making my vows was based out of desperation. Not desperation to be married, but out of operating out of survival.

My check list went something like this
1. Love Jesus
2. Love my daughter
3. No pornography
4. No abuse
5. Handsome

No bad right..... Well wrong there is so much missing from this list not that it needed to be 10. long, but rather more detailed in the five. Really as long as he said acted out those things then he was golden. The problem is I came into our marriage so damaged that I didn't really know what any of the above really looked like except for #1,3, and 4 and even in those I was pretty elementary in my knowledge.

Most of you might be asking what about loving you..... Well I believed that if he loved Jesus and didn't look at porn and didn't abuse me then he must love me. Really! this is the level of dysfunction I came into our marriage with and is just now coming around to take it's pound of heart, but it really feels more like 10 pounds of heart.

Though I understood a little bit about Jesus, like he constantly raises the bar for his kids to follow, he is absolutely crazy about me, and no matter what I am going to heaven and he is seeing to it. I really didn't understand enough to apply those attributes to the necessary requirement to win my heart. The abc's of Jesus were not applied to my marriage, and 11 years  later I resemble more of a hopeless, warn out, beat down woman then in my life and once what was enough is no longer even close to what it takes to keep my heart. My poor husband.

Now en-order to have God remake our marriage there is a demanded surrender and repentance and a clear understand that though the marriage contract seems ridiculous, the promise I made to Jesus has never faded but really just grown in it's strength with Jesus and is totally valid on earth and in heaven, and this Marriage matters to Jesus.

It has taken me months just to put into some words just what is my great divide between my husband and I, and no I will not share them here but what I will share is I am the one struggling to stay in the marriage. So this is the blog for the hurting lost wife, who is feeling a loss of hope and is grieving your marriage too.

There Is Hope
Come Journey with me to stop the destruction of divorce

Here are some facts about things in life that are like bombs to your marriage and are considered major life events:

Change in community: Loss of a group that is trusted
Employment loss or lack of, unwillingness provide
Abuse/drug & Alcohol/sexual/emotional/spiritual/physical
Loss of a loved one Previous spouse, children, or child, close family member
Disability/ Mental, physical
Illness/ Cancer, and Chronic
Infidelity/Pornography, Romance Novels, emotional afire, physical afire
Loss of faith/ Change in core beliefs

If I can break this in to a percentage rate of the toll that it takes on a marriage here are the stats:
Loss of Community  = - 75%
Loss or negative employment = - 75%
Abuse = -98%
Loss of a loved one = -85%
Disability = -85%
Illness= -70%
Infidelity = -98%
Loss of Faith = -85%
And just to let you know in the confounds of my marriage we have almost experienced all of these, and so when I went to see about the ground I have for a divorce, I found that no one would blame me. Then when I went to see about the grounds that I have for a divorce under God I could not find anything giving me permission. And when you are here or at lease when I was hear I decided one of us was going to have to die. No I am not going to take any action on the thought. But, it sure does set the tone of my heart, and the level of hurt I am feeling.

Hope cannot be found with out a decision to submit your thoughts to Jesus. It's just impossible because what is seen seems to be more of a truth then the unseen. 2 Corinthians 4:18 so we fix our eyes on not what is seen but to the unseen, since what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal.
I took a 24 hour holiday from life and took a personal retreat. 2 woman I love and respect deeply spend a good amount of time listening. (For our girls friends take notes) they listened to me and did not judge or trash my husband. But instead they lifted my arms up and broke demonic beliefs that I have been entertaining regards to my husband. They blessed him and me and our marriage. This was the first step I have taken to break the thought bombarding mind field I have been under.

So today I submit my thoughts again and come under the truth of Jesus Christ that what is unseen is more true then what feelings I am experiencing because of _____(you fill in the blank)_______. Forgive me Jesus for my lack of belief in you, in your redemptive power and your ability to raise this marriage from the dead and make new. Bless my husband Lord with wisdom and truth. Thank you Lord for never leaving me to the shadows of my own sin. Amen.

I encourage you to find a Marriage Coach, and please pray for our Marriage and if you want me to pray for your marriage, please leave a note.

Here's to God resurrecting our dead marriages and giving them new life.

Dreams Do Come True

DREAMS DO COME TRUE

 

 

 

I have many dreams; dreams of starting an Orphanage, dreams of being a motivational speaker, author, a home owner with land, a dream of filling my home with sons, and many more. All these dreams like most dreamers are good.

 

I grew up in a home where everyday was a struggle for survival. You just never new if when you woke up we'd have lights, or if the phone would work, or how we were going to eat. Everyday I remember as a struggle. As a little girl I never believed my dreams would come true. It's not that I didn't dream but, that the dreams that I had I believed were (just dreams). I minimized them because it was easier than to just be disappointed.

 

Tonight my husband took me to a production Cinderella at the theater. The fairy god mother said several amazing things that just shook me to the core. She said "Once you have a dream you'll know it's yours because you'll have to fight for it".

 

For as long as I've been married my husband has wanted to own a home. But, I have not shared the same passion. Yes, I want to own a home, but I never believed deep down inside dreams really come true. My mom became a home owner after my father became an inmate at Washington State Pen, but that would have never happened without the incomes of us kids. Even after she had her home it was so stressful just to live. With my life experiences nipping at my heart steeling pieces of my courage, I unknowingly settled for a life of a dreamer and decided thinking about them was luck enough.  

 

As I watched this amazing production my heart filled with hope and a sting of regret. I haven't even tried, really tried to buy a home because I am terrified. I do not know any kind of life without deep and painful obstacles. And, though it's a dream of mine (ours),  my experience has scared my desire to push through and to fight for it. I've never known success, lived with it or have had the courage to risk. When I have risked it's been a few dollars here and there while trying to decide how this money that I was spending was going to cost me later. I definitely never imagined that God would fulfill all my dreams. This is huge for me. I felt lucky just to think that maybe I could do this, be that, but never thought that I could do that.... and be that... at the same time.

 

After leaving the play I looked at my husband and I apologized. Because I have made him dreaming to own a home and fighting for that dream so difficult. In my own pursuit of dreams after experiencing the waging war I decide as if it's second nature to stop dreaming that dream, because the cost just seems to great for the reward. I try to suffocate my hearts great desire.

 

Not much different than the cowardly lion.....

My husband so patient and full of hope for the future has been thrashing it out with a wife who's hope for the future has been solely waiting on Jesus. Such a bleak, joyless marriage he's been in.

 

After sharing with my husband my fears, of not being able to afford a home, build an orphanage, become that motivational speaker, he looked at me and said, "I know your afraid, but taste and see that HE is good."

 

My trembling hasn't left but, I have a renewed hope for the future probably for the first time in years. I have tasted; HE is good, and I know that HE has put our dreams in our heart. So we look forward to the years to come with anticipation and hope for tomorrow. And, as we prepare to be pre-qualified I will trust in the Goodness of God to make a way, His way.

 

 



A sleeping Church

A sleeping Church

I titled this A sleeping Church because most churches are sleeping and precious few are awake. Sure lots are doing good things and sending missionaries out, even feeding the homeless, but when you go and worship there is a mothers rocking her baby to sleep sway lulling you to sleep I cringe.

Most churches are stuck in a way of doing things that once worked but no longer feed starving souls. 

I have a daughter with Autism. With this diagnosis comes a never ending need for visual and physical stimulation. Her sensory processing systems are stuck in over drive. I'm using this example  because in the same way the world is stuck in a desperate need to experience Jesus in overdrive. 

Where has the passion and excitement gone in the churches? Where has the venerability and transparency gone in churches?

When will I see the elders talk about how God is speaking to them in their personal lives and how that is affecting  change in them?

When will I see the recipe for change lived out in front of me so that I may be encouraged to finish well?

When will I see a church that is less worried about their sin than passionate about the freedom they have been granted?

I long for the stories of leaders who are living out scriptures who share both their struggle and rescue from the pulpit. I long for true authentic relationship with Jesus modeled for me, by those who have been hand picked by God to do so. 

There is a vast difference in hearing other people's stories then seeing the story lived out in front of you. And, perhaps I am stuck in a cycle of sensory overload, but I just don't think so. 

Believers are the most powerful and influential beings other than Jesus Christ here on earth. We hold the power of Jesus Christ with in us and the power of healing and resurrection. So why are we so sleepy, so apathetic, so busy self promoting. 

I am driven to desperation for an active church here in America, and dangerous church that doesn't worry about it's outside appearance but it's inside vital signs. I am driven to desperation for a church where the heart beat if heard and a dead world goes there for life. 

It was 8 years ago when I went to one of these churches, and I was a wreck. A woman said to me. "you know God is changing someone on the inside by how the outside changes too." She was right and in the same way it's true for church. I am not talking about a building, I am writing of a love, compassion, friendliness, an eagerness to love others beyond comfort zones. 

Awake, awake, Church clothe yourself with strength! Put on your garments of splendor; Shake off your dust, Rise up Sit enthroned. Free yourself from the chains on your neck.

Listen those of you who seek righteousness and who seek the Lord. Look to the rock from which you were cut and the carry from which you were hewn. The Lord looks on all your ruins with compassion and will make your deserts like Eden and your wastelands the garden of the Lord. Be Filled with Joy and Gladness and fill your mouth with Thanksgiving and the sound of singing. Listen to me my people here my instruction my righteousness never fails and my justice will become the light of nations so draw near to me speedily .

He Sees Me

He Sees Me

He was talking to his desciples before he was to be crucified saying, I am going away but I leave you with my Holy Spirit. 

Not long ago I was listening to a radio program and on there an man talked about having the Holy Spirit and his power in Christian living. He also referenced that the majority of believers go about three months without so much as noticing the Holy Spirit or the lack there of in their daily lives before they feel like something is missing. I think sadly that most of us haven't learned how to live in unity with the Holy Spirit so its far longer and far more devastating. I cannot help but wonder though I hear him and I missing him also?

This Christmas I have felt so disconnected from Him. In this last year I have had trial after heart ache over and over and my spirit is just warn down. Every year nearing christmas time I am so excited to read, share and understand further the story of Jesus, his birth and the power of it. This year I was not even close to the zeal I normally have. In all honesty I have lacked that zeal in every other area of my life as well for a long time, and I have my reason and even still they feel, seem, and appear valid, justifiable and understandable. 

The last six months we have been just a breath away from homelessness. Normally I want to get our tree before Thanksgiving but this year we were counting our pennies to keep food on the table and gas in the car. I had to cancel my Insurance policy for my healthcare due to lack of funds and I felt a cloud of grief roll over me as I entered into December as though I was beginning to walk in to the marsh of sorrow and weeping. 

I set up my daughters advent tree so that we could attempt to follow through but I had no desire to read daily stories outlining the beautiful journey of the birth of Jesus Christ, so I unwrapped each orinamint and watched as she decorated her little tree. While watching her I grappled with the thoughts of "I should be thankful and this tree is enough, size doesn't matter it's the meaning the story." But as right sounding as those thoughts are, it's those thoughts that kill the heart or at least mine. 

All through life I settle for less because I try to convince myself that its better for everyone if they see me smile and except things. I have done that in nearly every area and in this past year I have done this with Jesus. The pain of not having the more, the all; and walking the marshes of unmet desires cast larger shadows over my heart then I can handle.

Spending time with Jesus like I often do I poured my sorrows out to the only one who really knows and within a few days my husband received some side work and we were able to get a tree, but by this time we were well into our second week into December and though my needs and desire for a tree was met, the true desire is to have not struggled to have put it up before thanksgiving in the first place. I wanted to get an artificial tree to secure my desire for next year, but I was out voted by the budget and I settled for a real one and thought to myself! I should be thankful, perhaps God has a good memory in store for us when we get one. But, it was miserable stressful and void of joy. I just wanted to get a tree and leave and so I put a smile on my face did everything possible to make everyone happy just to get a tree, picked up my trimming for my door wreath and garland and left. We got the tree home and up, and all I could feel around me was disappointment, my disappointment. 

The following day we decorated the tree and as Paisley walked by the and tree fell over shattering many of my favorite glass ornaments and everything in me saw this whole experience as a continuance of my unbelievably hard year and I found myself wishing I had skipped Christmas all together this year.

Christmas has come and gone and we were able to get our daughter a couple of things and watching her open up gift looking for something specific that we were unable to get her brought with it the unrelenting disappointment that I have felt.

Waking up this morning to a flooded bathroom and going from sleep to stress in .5 seconds opened the flood gates of frustration. I broke again, I really don't want a halfway relationship with Jesus, or Christmas, security and compromised dreams. I want it all or nothing. I want to give Christmas not strive to bring it home, I want to feel each waking moment the glorious power and presents of the Holy Spirit, I want zeal and excitement for what is to come. So I solder on, pressing in gripping with all my might I am where I am supposed to be. 

Gratitude! I have so much to be thankful for. God did provide for us Christmas and perhaps it was all that I deserve, most likely much more and in the midst of all my anger he has not been silent. He provided money and people to invest in my health. Still on my way home from the store it dawned on me. Even if God had provided all the money to address my multitude of economic issues my heart just like the servant that was forgiven his debt would be sad, distant, lonely for God, and slapping at the illusions of life for an ounce of control, grounding. 

Yet for every bit of misery there was a counter blessing (well just about) and that reassures me that I am far from alone. I lost my diamond from my wedding ring and on Christmas Eve I found out that I am being sued for money I don't have and honestly there are no words. But I also was asked to go in for an interview for the law offices of Lerner and Rowe, so perhaps he has a job for me to take care of these debts accused over the last 6 months of no word and skimping by.