Autism Heals
I am a blessed mother of a 5 year old little girl who has Autism. But, I did not always feel so blessed. In-fact I have struggled deeply with being her mother. All the normal methods of parenting do not apply when you have a child with Autism. In fact it's a deep mystery that exposes every insecurity, sinful though and drives you to the end of your rope. Paisley, that's her name, was about 1 when we knew something was special about her. I was soon to find out that I was the mother of a special needs child. The stigmatism that I associated with that has been huge. The beliefs that this life was lost.
When Paisley was 2 1/2 I took her to the park and realized that after therapy, speech she had made little to no progress. Not because her therapist were not good but because my daughter was in a world all her own and I was unable to enter. I was looking at my daughter who was in the corner of the kiddos play ground alone and reverted to a behavior we had worked on a year to stop. I was over come with despair, and disappointment. When suddenly I heard a whisper in my heart that said, "When will you see her the way I see her and not for where the world sees her?" It was in that moment that I began to except that she was perfect the way she was and that she didn't need to meet those mile stones, and from then on I decided to celebrate every word, eye contact, gesture, and hug because hers meant more than most.
Now I have gone to wonderful groups for moms with children my daughters age to glean from them. I want to say out front that I think these groups are good and vital to mothers raising children, but this is written from the perspective of a mother of an autistic child. The regular topics consisted of obedience, organization, listening, temper-tantrums, and sibling fighting, making quality time, teaching your children about Jesus. My issues have been self mutilation, smearing poop on the wall, pulling at her eye balls, many many many sleepless nights, hitting others, throwing objects for no known reason to me and hitting her head against the wall till blood spattered. I have never had time to teach her to share, or to have patience. Secretly in my head I was thinking. If only we could trade problems I would in a heart beat. I have felt so alone and with thoughts like: I should not be her mother, I should put her up for adoption, what would christians think of me if i did that, To putting my daughter in her room for her own safety to putting my self in my room for her safety and calling her father and telling him to call the police because I cannot be her mom anymore, to understanding why some women kill their children. Yes, these are the thoughts of a mother that is dealing with years and years of no answers and where the world around her is experiencing something so very different.
How Autism is healing me is both beautiful and just astounding. Often you will here people say that children with Autism are incapable of empathy. That is not true. During this last year while caring our son that did move to heaven shortly after his birth, our daughters heart blossomed in a miraculous ways. She first noticed my tears and would touch them and think then taste them, then she started wiping them and putting them on her eyes and saying this is sad. For the first time I had a little girl that in the middle of the winter in my heart was like the sun of heaven and I knew she knew I was sad and that meant she could feel sadness to. She used to ask her baby brother to come to paisleys room to play, she was excited and when he was born it was as if everything she wanted she'd got. She held him, the little girl that has so often refused affection was giving affection. During this time we were having all the problems listed above. Something beautiful was happing to my daughter. Something that I had not seen before and it was here in a time where these wasn't really anything I could find to smile about. It was paisley that spread a smile across my face of despair at least once a day if not more, or she was curling up on my laps saying Jesus loves me too.
I'v heard every diet plan, healthy option, and vitamin tips and trick to better behaviors through natural methods. Now some of these methods are legit, and those that are cost thousands of dollars a year and is not covered. So unless you are a millionaire it's not an option. Yet I do all that I can and Paisley is die free, dairy free for the most part, but she is not gluten free because she is not allergic, and to tell you the truth, changing diet didn't change her behavior at all. I faced the social free and put my five year old on medication and with in a month she had stopped nearly above listed behaviors and I have a little girl who is expressing what I think has been waiting to get out. My daughter Paisley who has Autism is being used by God to heal my broken heart. I am the perfect mom for her, and I am glad that Paisley has autism. Because of this I will alway be her mommy, weather she is 10, 30 or 50. Because of Paisley I have more courage, boldness, and bravery to pursue my dreams. That way I can cheer her on into her dreams. She cannot accomplish her dreams unless I chase mine. Is it still hard? yes, and am I still unraveling this mystery no. It's not mine to unravel, but to enjoy. My daughter laughs now, speaks to me, hugs me and wipes my tears. She, dances with daddy and she sleeps with me sometimes. She sings everything to the tune of amazing grace and talks to her fairies about Jesus. My daughter with autism is transforming my life into the most beautiful experience.
He is making all things new.
