Dreams Do Come True

DREAMS DO COME TRUE

 

 

 

I have many dreams; dreams of starting an Orphanage, dreams of being a motivational speaker, author, a home owner with land, a dream of filling my home with sons, and many more. All these dreams like most dreamers are good.

 

I grew up in a home where everyday was a struggle for survival. You just never new if when you woke up we'd have lights, or if the phone would work, or how we were going to eat. Everyday I remember as a struggle. As a little girl I never believed my dreams would come true. It's not that I didn't dream but, that the dreams that I had I believed were (just dreams). I minimized them because it was easier than to just be disappointed.

 

Tonight my husband took me to a production Cinderella at the theater. The fairy god mother said several amazing things that just shook me to the core. She said "Once you have a dream you'll know it's yours because you'll have to fight for it".

 

For as long as I've been married my husband has wanted to own a home. But, I have not shared the same passion. Yes, I want to own a home, but I never believed deep down inside dreams really come true. My mom became a home owner after my father became an inmate at Washington State Pen, but that would have never happened without the incomes of us kids. Even after she had her home it was so stressful just to live. With my life experiences nipping at my heart steeling pieces of my courage, I unknowingly settled for a life of a dreamer and decided thinking about them was luck enough.  

 

As I watched this amazing production my heart filled with hope and a sting of regret. I haven't even tried, really tried to buy a home because I am terrified. I do not know any kind of life without deep and painful obstacles. And, though it's a dream of mine (ours),  my experience has scared my desire to push through and to fight for it. I've never known success, lived with it or have had the courage to risk. When I have risked it's been a few dollars here and there while trying to decide how this money that I was spending was going to cost me later. I definitely never imagined that God would fulfill all my dreams. This is huge for me. I felt lucky just to think that maybe I could do this, be that, but never thought that I could do that.... and be that... at the same time.

 

After leaving the play I looked at my husband and I apologized. Because I have made him dreaming to own a home and fighting for that dream so difficult. In my own pursuit of dreams after experiencing the waging war I decide as if it's second nature to stop dreaming that dream, because the cost just seems to great for the reward. I try to suffocate my hearts great desire.

 

Not much different than the cowardly lion.....

My husband so patient and full of hope for the future has been thrashing it out with a wife who's hope for the future has been solely waiting on Jesus. Such a bleak, joyless marriage he's been in.

 

After sharing with my husband my fears, of not being able to afford a home, build an orphanage, become that motivational speaker, he looked at me and said, "I know your afraid, but taste and see that HE is good."

 

My trembling hasn't left but, I have a renewed hope for the future probably for the first time in years. I have tasted; HE is good, and I know that HE has put our dreams in our heart. So we look forward to the years to come with anticipation and hope for tomorrow. And, as we prepare to be pre-qualified I will trust in the Goodness of God to make a way, His way.

 

 



A sleeping Church

A sleeping Church

I titled this A sleeping Church because most churches are sleeping and precious few are awake. Sure lots are doing good things and sending missionaries out, even feeding the homeless, but when you go and worship there is a mothers rocking her baby to sleep sway lulling you to sleep I cringe.

Most churches are stuck in a way of doing things that once worked but no longer feed starving souls. 

I have a daughter with Autism. With this diagnosis comes a never ending need for visual and physical stimulation. Her sensory processing systems are stuck in over drive. I'm using this example  because in the same way the world is stuck in a desperate need to experience Jesus in overdrive. 

Where has the passion and excitement gone in the churches? Where has the venerability and transparency gone in churches?

When will I see the elders talk about how God is speaking to them in their personal lives and how that is affecting  change in them?

When will I see the recipe for change lived out in front of me so that I may be encouraged to finish well?

When will I see a church that is less worried about their sin than passionate about the freedom they have been granted?

I long for the stories of leaders who are living out scriptures who share both their struggle and rescue from the pulpit. I long for true authentic relationship with Jesus modeled for me, by those who have been hand picked by God to do so. 

There is a vast difference in hearing other people's stories then seeing the story lived out in front of you. And, perhaps I am stuck in a cycle of sensory overload, but I just don't think so. 

Believers are the most powerful and influential beings other than Jesus Christ here on earth. We hold the power of Jesus Christ with in us and the power of healing and resurrection. So why are we so sleepy, so apathetic, so busy self promoting. 

I am driven to desperation for an active church here in America, and dangerous church that doesn't worry about it's outside appearance but it's inside vital signs. I am driven to desperation for a church where the heart beat if heard and a dead world goes there for life. 

It was 8 years ago when I went to one of these churches, and I was a wreck. A woman said to me. "you know God is changing someone on the inside by how the outside changes too." She was right and in the same way it's true for church. I am not talking about a building, I am writing of a love, compassion, friendliness, an eagerness to love others beyond comfort zones. 

Awake, awake, Church clothe yourself with strength! Put on your garments of splendor; Shake off your dust, Rise up Sit enthroned. Free yourself from the chains on your neck.

Listen those of you who seek righteousness and who seek the Lord. Look to the rock from which you were cut and the carry from which you were hewn. The Lord looks on all your ruins with compassion and will make your deserts like Eden and your wastelands the garden of the Lord. Be Filled with Joy and Gladness and fill your mouth with Thanksgiving and the sound of singing. Listen to me my people here my instruction my righteousness never fails and my justice will become the light of nations so draw near to me speedily .

He Sees Me

He Sees Me

He was talking to his desciples before he was to be crucified saying, I am going away but I leave you with my Holy Spirit. 

Not long ago I was listening to a radio program and on there an man talked about having the Holy Spirit and his power in Christian living. He also referenced that the majority of believers go about three months without so much as noticing the Holy Spirit or the lack there of in their daily lives before they feel like something is missing. I think sadly that most of us haven't learned how to live in unity with the Holy Spirit so its far longer and far more devastating. I cannot help but wonder though I hear him and I missing him also?

This Christmas I have felt so disconnected from Him. In this last year I have had trial after heart ache over and over and my spirit is just warn down. Every year nearing christmas time I am so excited to read, share and understand further the story of Jesus, his birth and the power of it. This year I was not even close to the zeal I normally have. In all honesty I have lacked that zeal in every other area of my life as well for a long time, and I have my reason and even still they feel, seem, and appear valid, justifiable and understandable. 

The last six months we have been just a breath away from homelessness. Normally I want to get our tree before Thanksgiving but this year we were counting our pennies to keep food on the table and gas in the car. I had to cancel my Insurance policy for my healthcare due to lack of funds and I felt a cloud of grief roll over me as I entered into December as though I was beginning to walk in to the marsh of sorrow and weeping. 

I set up my daughters advent tree so that we could attempt to follow through but I had no desire to read daily stories outlining the beautiful journey of the birth of Jesus Christ, so I unwrapped each orinamint and watched as she decorated her little tree. While watching her I grappled with the thoughts of "I should be thankful and this tree is enough, size doesn't matter it's the meaning the story." But as right sounding as those thoughts are, it's those thoughts that kill the heart or at least mine. 

All through life I settle for less because I try to convince myself that its better for everyone if they see me smile and except things. I have done that in nearly every area and in this past year I have done this with Jesus. The pain of not having the more, the all; and walking the marshes of unmet desires cast larger shadows over my heart then I can handle.

Spending time with Jesus like I often do I poured my sorrows out to the only one who really knows and within a few days my husband received some side work and we were able to get a tree, but by this time we were well into our second week into December and though my needs and desire for a tree was met, the true desire is to have not struggled to have put it up before thanksgiving in the first place. I wanted to get an artificial tree to secure my desire for next year, but I was out voted by the budget and I settled for a real one and thought to myself! I should be thankful, perhaps God has a good memory in store for us when we get one. But, it was miserable stressful and void of joy. I just wanted to get a tree and leave and so I put a smile on my face did everything possible to make everyone happy just to get a tree, picked up my trimming for my door wreath and garland and left. We got the tree home and up, and all I could feel around me was disappointment, my disappointment. 

The following day we decorated the tree and as Paisley walked by the and tree fell over shattering many of my favorite glass ornaments and everything in me saw this whole experience as a continuance of my unbelievably hard year and I found myself wishing I had skipped Christmas all together this year.

Christmas has come and gone and we were able to get our daughter a couple of things and watching her open up gift looking for something specific that we were unable to get her brought with it the unrelenting disappointment that I have felt.

Waking up this morning to a flooded bathroom and going from sleep to stress in .5 seconds opened the flood gates of frustration. I broke again, I really don't want a halfway relationship with Jesus, or Christmas, security and compromised dreams. I want it all or nothing. I want to give Christmas not strive to bring it home, I want to feel each waking moment the glorious power and presents of the Holy Spirit, I want zeal and excitement for what is to come. So I solder on, pressing in gripping with all my might I am where I am supposed to be. 

Gratitude! I have so much to be thankful for. God did provide for us Christmas and perhaps it was all that I deserve, most likely much more and in the midst of all my anger he has not been silent. He provided money and people to invest in my health. Still on my way home from the store it dawned on me. Even if God had provided all the money to address my multitude of economic issues my heart just like the servant that was forgiven his debt would be sad, distant, lonely for God, and slapping at the illusions of life for an ounce of control, grounding. 

Yet for every bit of misery there was a counter blessing (well just about) and that reassures me that I am far from alone. I lost my diamond from my wedding ring and on Christmas Eve I found out that I am being sued for money I don't have and honestly there are no words. But I also was asked to go in for an interview for the law offices of Lerner and Rowe, so perhaps he has a job for me to take care of these debts accused over the last 6 months of no word and skimping by. 

He's Wild

He's Wild

    Following God into the unbelievable seems less of a truth today then in the days of Moses. It's a catastrophic mistake to not share the radicalness of God. Recently I posted on face-book about some land that God said He was going to give me. For those of you who have not read it let me regale you with my rather interesting story. 

   I was working from home at the time and because I had been out in corporate America earlier that day I was dressed in business attire. Anyone who knows me at all understands that God and I have had an on going dialog for many years. 

    This afternoon I herd God say to me: Get to a stopping point and go for a walk. I responded "really you know I don't like doing that." Common he said, I have something to show you. So with that I found a stopping point and walked out my front door and said which way God. 

From there I followed his simple instructions. I came to a major road and running in front of me looked like a coyote that had just given birth. I thought to my self. "Oh God, you want me to rescue puppies!" Then he said follow that dog and I did. The Dog ran into a field and disappeared into desert brush and tall field grass. So in my heals and fancy cloths I hopped a fence and went after the dog. As soon as I was on the other side of the fence about 10 strides in I heard God say STOP, so I did. Then he said. "See this land I am going to give it to you." I laughed and said well, thank you. What do you want me to do with it God? Build me a house of thanksgiving he replied. 

      I noticed a truck driving down this gravel road when God said go talk to that man. So I ran across this field, jumped a fence ran a crossed another field. The man in the truck noticing me running toward him stopped his truck. I had no idea what I was going to say when I got to him nor did it occur to me how that must have looked to him this overly dressed woman running a crossed fields jumping fences. 

     Reaching the man and out of breath I asked him who owned the field and he gave me the name and shared with me is utter disgust with the upkeep. I asked the man if I could walk around the land giving thanks for it and blessing it. Sure he replied, that shouldn't hurt anything and off he went. 

   A few weeks later I went over to once of the neighboring homes to ask for the number of the man who owned the land. I went up to this house and it looked like no one was home. I  spoke to the Lord as I walked to the front door. If this is really you make someone be there. Either way Lord I am okay with being foolish for you. 

I knocked on the door and it seemed it took forever for anyone to come to the door. Just when I was about to walk away a man opened the door. I asked him for the number of the man who owned the land. Why he asked? Do you believe in Jesus Christ I asked. Yes, the man replied. Good! Do you want to hear a story I asked? Sure he said. I told him the story above. Well, he said if he gives it to you I know a man who will buy it from you and you can make a mighty profit. Let me get you his number. He returned with the information and said. Good luck honey I don't think he'll just give it to you. I responded, that is between him and God! Have a great evening. 

Now if that is not strange enough I actually have gone over there and walked the land with my husband and we have been praying over it and thanking God for it. 

    Recently after to large speaking events I went to God with my heart and wanting to know his thoughts about some things. Here is the page of my journal with Him. When its God speaking to me you'll see this * and if its me replying then you will see this ~.

~Okay God I'm hear to listen to you

*Beloved I am so in love with you. I am proud of you.

~How can you be God, I didn't even put your name in my speech?

* Oh my Glorious beloved I am your speech, I am your voice, your courage, your love, your goodness, your generosity and I am always in you, in you're coming and going, in your hopes, dreams and desires. What people saw but did not recognize is me. Beloved you glorify me.

~Lord you know my thoughts and I'm bless you do. Thank you for hearing me. Lord I fear this land. I called the owner and there was no answer. I feel so awkward.

*Beloved I am awkward, foreign and appear to be delusional, irresponsible and mind blowing rude to some. Beloved I have given you that land so go claim it. 

~Lord I want to but I don't know how.

*Tell the man the I AM / GOD gave it to you.

~Thats it?

*No but I will take it from there. 

~Okay, when?

*Call till you reach him, search till you find him passionately CLAIM what I have given you.

~Okay I will. 

*Awh Sweet heart this is life and it is good! Go get it! I love you. 

    The following day at work I called the man with the land again. This time he answered. I introduced myself and told him I was calling about the land and that God told me that he was giving me the land. The man laughed and said no thanks and hung up. There was a part of me that was really relieved and sad at the same time. I put the number back into my wallet when a card fell out with a scripture I had written on the back of it landed in front of my eyes.  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid" John 14:21 That man called me back less than five minuets later. 

     He asked me if I was a God fearing woman. Yes, I am. He said, "That was the bravest and craziest call I have ever gotten. What are you prepared to offer me for this land? God said you are going to give it to me I replied. He then said okay, but what are you prepared to offer me for it. And I replied God. And I asked if he believed in God? The man said don't call me again and hung up. 

    This so reminds me of what it must have been like for Moses but on a grander scale for him to stand before Pharaoh and say let my people go over and over. This is why its so important to know the stories of Jesus followers not just believers because It's what give boldness and grounding perseverance, and it expands our small thinking about God and what he is doing in the hear and now. 

Grief My Friend or Foe

Grief My Friend or Foe

Its been less than a year sense my husband and I said goodbye to our son. We have learned many things in this valley of life. One of the truths we have learned is this. Without God grief will consume overwhelm and burie you, but with God you can trample with His power death and it will loose its sting. 

The last several years we have watched as many of our friends lose their spouses to cancer. We have watched how each of them pick up their lives and how they move on. It has been beautiful, yet we have also seen how that has impacted the people that have walked with them in their lives before loss and after. 

Not long like less than a day after our son Peter had died that my husband and I both said to each other, shouldn't we be sadder. Now don't get me wrong we were sad but it was different. We had hope. This hope that was being prayed over us daily by hundreds of people that held us up. It was this hope that has helped us move forward. So how is it that when a man or woman lose their spouse their able to move on when what feels like it should be more complicated or difficult for them. The thoughts that go through our minds is "How can they be honoring the memory" or How can they love so quickly again? How can they move forward while others still grieve? 

So here is the down low on grief dear brave hearts. Grief exposes. We ask God to help us heal, we ask God for hope when all seems lost and when we are in grief so big that the darkness is so thick it will choke you God swoops in and lifts you up and you began to heal and God is not a waster of time. Healing without God is impossible. So to those who have lost children or a loved one that was an interrogate part of your life, let me give you permission to say Death has lost it sting and has no grip over me. What grief exposes is where we find our life and if our all is wrapped up in God or those we love and our circumstances. 

God asked me for my son before he was born and I have always said that my children belong to the Lord but in that moment the reality of that, it hit like a heavenly weight. I knew that I could not give my children to him the way he had given His Son to me. Ouch. Yep I realized that given the choice I would have been selfish. Claiming what is His as mine. Another thing that grief exposes is that when the spouse that remains here on earth decides to move forward others that loved the passed spouse often feel indifferent and upset. Not understanding how come it can happen so fast. Healing requires other to address their grief and without permission demands that we face grief and surrender to the weightiness of God. 

Grief is it your friend or your foe? I would have to say my friend. It wilds such a dependance on God that allows God to be God in my life. It breaks us, and in a blink of an eye we are brought to our utter smallness, and His bigness and our heavenly perspective changes. Grief is a quick humbler and brings your heart into complete submission or you demand your answers. Grief my friend strips away human fronts and posers and allows God in your brokenness to bring a crazy light to a world being swallowed into darkness without hope. Without grief and a clear understanding not just through knowledge but experience of it you realize how alive and active Jesus is. Everything changes everything. 

Now grief hurts and sometimes it hurts for the entirety of our life. And, pain is not a symptom of a lack of healing it is like a book marker that God had moved the foundation of this life because he intends to use what is His for the advancement the Kingdom of Heaven. I hope that you let pain be your candle stick and hope as your flame. There is hope for the broken hearted and healing to be had, but none of it is possible without entering into grief. Grief the door to a life unleashed for the Kingdome of Heaven.  

Joy a Power Struggle

Joy A Power Struggle

     Not long ago I shared a story of my husband bathing me in prayer to free my heart and mind from addiction and debilitating depression. It was powerful and God has done a good work in me through his prayer. Although I have been set free the temptation to give in is sometimes so alluring that it takes it all nearly out of me to not give up. Now when I refers to giving up I liken that to one mental gesture. Several years ago my husband and I both quite smoking. Because of the power of my husbands prayer over me I no longer crave it. Yet, just this morning while battling PSD attack the first thing I though of was giving up and throwing in the towel meaning I should just start smoking and forget about life. As quick as that thought entered my mind so did another. "If you do you declare with your actions that my power is not sufficient for you and you undermine my victory in your life". Wow!

  Thank God for his faithfulness to my heart. No, I was not going to give up. I believe God is getting at something much much bigger. I have been wrestling with the joy found in grief for over a year now. I have battled and trampled my heart and even beaten it down to silence its cries so that I could move forward in this life. But, its joy that I fall so short of. I am often frustrated with Paul because I am not understanding with complete clarity what he was talking about. But, thus far I understand this much.

Joy, is not a feeling it is an action of the will born out of a holy belief that what you are going through is working in you an eternal glory that cannot be put out. Joy, is not based off of circumstances, friends, community, or even family. It is a muscle thats stead fast in its resolve and conviction that everything that God permits is good for me.
Joy, is not glee, or gittiness, it is found in the deep caverns of suffering and is harvested by the soul and brings you into perfect union with Christ, our Father and his heart. That is joy

   Joy is what we give up when we cave in to temptations, and attractions of the flesh. Joy is what we slay when we entertain thoughts that are contradictory to His will. What joy can be found in giving up.

  Weather your temptation is smoking like me, or leaving a church for what might happen, or because we are offended, or going to others to seek validation of our worth, our walk with God, our righteousness. Every time we dip into temptation we bury joy.

You are my refudge and my sheild I put my hope in your word. Psalms 119:114

Unwavering

Unwavering

   The times are drastically changing and the everyone is noticing it. From the believer, to the world its as though the atmosphere groans and the hearts of people grow darker then ever and you can smell the sulfur of satan and his dominion.

   It's been in the last three years that I have seen so much in your face wickedness. The reasons I am writing this particular post is because the way we reach the world must change. It's so desensitized confused and it backs disfunction and punishes the just. I see it in our churches where the children of the Godly become lovers of the world and bring hate and malice to strike out at Christ and where he is worshiped. I am watching the young teens accuse there Godly parents of abuse because they will not let them bring perversion into their home be ravaged by CPS because a mother stood her ground and now is at risk with her other children. In my job I witness the rejection people face from families, and a system designed help fail over and over again.

  What is it going to look like in 10 years in our churches in ministries in youth programs, in men and women's ministries? I cannot help but be pretty sure that what will be packing our hospitals of hope is the moms and dads of those who have rejected Christ, who have chosen to love the world. Or it will be the ones that have lost there songs from being ravaged by satan and his dominion. So what will our ministries look like? How we offer hope and healing to a world dripping with evil?

   I think we have to be experiencing God more tangibly then we are experiencing any circumstance we face. I think we have to set aside fears and inhibitions and become radical followers of Jesus Christ fierce freedom fighters with the courage of lions and the genteelness of humming birds. Its more important now then ever that we be drinking and eating the word and giving thanks to Jesus Christ for what is coming. For though we have begun to see signs of the end it will get worse and God promises that the place we are going there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more evil.