Merry Christmas

Crows Nest

I lay on my bed curled up and crying out to God about the direction the evening took with my husband. My heart felt etiolated by enemy fire. I am at the mercy of everyone and suddenly became completely aware that I was not enough and that what ever I bring to life falls tremendously short and the one person I needed to arrive on the battle field came dressed for dinner not war. I have nothing to bring other than me and me is not enough. And so I cried out to the Lord. 

A few months ago words were spoken over our marriage that were profound. Our marriage was a ship out to sea. I was in the crows nest and my husband at the helm with the Lord. God has given me the gift of seeing the unseen, yet me seeing is just seeing and does not control the direction that is taken. Although I can see what otherwise is somewhat hidden to some, my attitude and beliefs keep me from seeing the whole picture. So often I see the storm coming and I find myself pleading that my husband take us in a different direction. It was that way when we started going to church, that way again when we moved to AZ, and several times in between and after. 

The other night I was consumed by the storm that was raging all around me and was rendered prisoner to despair. Despair is a interesting word; its meaning in purest form is nothing other than to turn your back on God. I was unable to see where God was taking me in the midst of the storm because of my despairing thinking. 

If God has given me the gift to see, then seeing would mean all that His will desires. I know that the desire of my God is goodness, and therefor would want me to see His goodness too. To see the hope on the other side of the storm. To see it all the bigger picture, the war, His beauty, His glory, and with that sin and the death it brings and the depravity it carries. If I can hear God in 10 different ways then could I also see him in those same ways too? I think so.

So I uncurled my self and reclaimed my place on the battle field declaring that I was never going to be enough for my marriage, friendships, ministry, and then found my peace in knowing that God is enough in me. I picked up my sword and God silenced the enemy.  I faced what would have taken me out for days and dusted myself off, and advanced on our enemy with the power of the word. 

~Beholding Beauty~

The tapestry of a woman's heart is so complex or at lease I thought mine was. But really is simple beauty is  more powerful then my feeble state is used to carrying. Perhaps it’s not our complexity that baffles us all but the power in our beauty that has us in awe.
Growing up in a home where beauty was distorted and cursed, to being taught that beauty was something that was for the opposite sex, my understanding of what God really designed as beautiful is slowly creeping to the surface and its nothing of what I understood. Being made in the image of God to reflect His glory? I cannot help but think that perhaps that my beauty is just as vital part of my healing as my heart.
While studying with what I can call my best friend, Revelation this gentleman asked a simple question that started this unraveling of my heart. His question was “What will you tell God you did with your time”? I immediately thought of a story that I understood to be about money, but really its not about money at all. There were three men given each a specific amount of money to use wisely. One buried it so that he would keep it for his master, the other invested some and saved some and the third invested the whole amount. When the master returned to see what each man did the first dug up his gift and said I have saved this for you. The Master rebuked him because his did nothing with what he was trusted with. The second man brought back a slight increase of what he was given but this man was also rebuked because he did not give his all. The third returned with 3x as much and he was praised for his was faithful with what he was given.
This got me thinking, am I faithful with my gift of salvation? What man am I like? My heart began to hurt. I am more like the second man than I want to be. The one area of my life that has always neglected is my beauty. I have hated myself, and all though I would not have admitted it before, I was just really waiting for Jesus to come back. How can I ever look at what has been so scared and decimated with satisfaction. In my refusal to see my beauty I have gained a significant amount of weight, and my health is in shambles.
Not long ago my health gave me a scare. I knew I would need to do something about this weight issue. But in my heart I was irritated that God wanted to use me. Secretly I just wanted him to take me home. The very idea of looking at myself as beautiful has been so hidden under blankets of contempt. I have denied myself beauty and therefore have created a standard in my marriage where my husband will not fight for it either. I had berried my beauty beneath my broken heart and was investing only what I though was worthy.
This morning I lay on my bed talking my best friend. Both of us sharing where we are in marriage, and parenting, our struggles and accomplishments. My friend shared with me how she thought I was a good mother, Yet everything in me could not receive her affirmation. My heart so wanted to. I wanted to believe what she believes, to see what she sees. Just like I want to see my self as something beautiful yet no matter how many times I look in mirror I would not even look into my eyes. I realized that my refusal to embrace my own beauty it has stolen joy in my life, some freedom, and most of all has damped the glory of God. Sitting on the floor of the shower I poured my heart out to God asking for forgiveness, for my unwillingness to go there all these years. 

      

                                              Unveiled

You know, there is a lot that God is doing in all of us. As individuals we have got to decide if we believe who He says we are or if we are going to store this away as a God encounter and put this with every other touching hallmark memory. For so long the Church as a whole has been sleeping with this elusion that as long as we read our bibles go to church and serve then we are models of what God had in mind. Nothing could be further than the truth. 

Many christians feel suffocated by life and are tired of searching for this life to the full that is promised. We have been dining from the scraps that fall on the floor from heaven table when we have a seat at the table.  We were meant to walk on water not swim below the surface. I believe to really walk with God we must be willing to risk our social statuses, our comfortable conversations, and our overly sensitive postures so that we can be unveiled before the world as the children of God. Where we allow the weight of who are be felt by every corner of the world. 

The glory of God will not be stifled and God will use any means for his will to be accomplished. I just hope that we as children of God reflect more of His glory then our own inhibitions or insecurities. We have to as a body become willing to bleed publicly and be willing to have others bleed as well. We are all limping and the world will see the Glory of God arrive where our brokenness meets heavens hands. 

I have to risk it all, we must risk it all. We Must become unveiled. 

Day 2 of Jordan:

I awoke again to the call to prayer. I felt that to pray during that time to proclaim my allegiance to God was really important. I felt this urgency and warning of battle. We met as a group after breakfast and Kelly came up stairs and had our time with the Lord where we were able as a team to listen on her behalf of who she is and how God sees her. It was beautiful to watch how God began to encourage Kelly with words of affirmation and blessing. After lunch we went as a group to pray for Syria. It was interesting, we were coming into a team that was on the last day of interactive prayer together. There we participated and it pulled at the comfortably of our team, and began to cause us to be extraverted in our pursuit of prayer. We moved into a time of warfare and it was there that God confirmed in through strangers things he was wanting me to pray out loud. I began to take a set in watching how God was moving in and through our team.

From there we went and saw a castle that was build during the crusades. Just the location made me feel as though God was calling me to physically walk in who I am not just a picture or understanding. That we are His children and He is God and so therefore we not address him in brokeness, but in freedom. It was as though my heart was taken to flight. 

It was that night that we got the news that two members of the Olive Branch had been admitted into the hospital with extensive injuries. What little we knew we began to pray. Yet I felt that we need to be praying with authority and conviction and that we needed to pray for the fathers. I have never felt this before but I felt the power of the Holy Spirit pumping through my arms and hands as I prayed for the hearts of the fathers to break and turn to you. I saw a picture that confirmed Bill and Jeremy that people needed to lay hands on these men. Matt and his friend went and prayed over them. While our team interceded . We felt that we needed to pray till we were released to go to bed. So Patty George and Susan prayed for the next hour till Matt called and released them to stop. 

This was a powerful picture of the positions that God had in mind for us on this trip. Yet I began to notice a spirit of fog and in me impatient spirit. I was to exhausted to go into that night so I decided to address this with the call to prayer the next morning. 

Jordan:

This is the trip through my eyes! Thank you for your loving support and your powerful prayer.

I have spent some time trying to put into words just how to describe the time that I was in Jordan with our prayer team.  I must say that this was harder then expected. Yet, when I began to look at not what we did but how God is moving it brought wings to the words. Please bare with me as this letter may be longer than expected.

Prior to going to Mafraq Jordan while spending time with God, He made it clear that this journey was just as much for our freedom as a team and individuals as it was for the interceding on behalf of our family in Christ abroad. With that being said please keep track of the footing of the Holy Spirit. For often times he calls up into a much smaller picture of what he is training us up for. 

We did not know each other well before we went. In fact, I did not know everyones names and as embarrassing as the sounds it is true. Yet we were all called and in like mindedness. That morning the tangerine sun kissed the night sky and laced the sky with ribbons of turquoise and hews of peach. It was the furthest away from my husband as I had ever been. We boarded our plane in Phoenix and headed out. Full of anticipation for what God was going to do. I do not think one of us did not have expectations. It was the goodness and the holiness of  God that exceeded my expectations and blew my mind. 

We landed in Jordan and I suddenly felt way over my head. Not that I was not called but, that my life could be snuffed out in just getting to our home base. Where direction of traffic and lanes are merrily just a suggestion and one that is not taken that seriously. My nerves were raw in the hour or so trip to our apartment. I did not sleep well and at 4am the call to prayer woke me up. I took the opportunity to pray. I asked God what he wanted to say to me and this is what he said. 

My beloved Glorious. I love you so much. What I have for you is going to change your life and the way you live it. There is no resistance to great. I will heal you. You are to walk on water and we will be filled with Joy. My beloved glorious Im going to use you . Be prepared in your heart because Im going to speak through you. 

Lord, I said, how do you want me to prepare my heart? 

My beloved, He said, Be with me so that you can hear everything that I will tell you. 

Lord I responded, What should I expect from you this week? 

My glorious he said, You will not disappoint me, I have been training you for times such as these. Be ready for me to transform you and others through you.

This was the beginning of the first day. We met as a group and prayed for the Lords leading and set aside our expectations. We wanted our team to function out of who we are, so we began to ask God for our identity as individuals. For some of our team member for the first time they were affirmed in who they are. From there we went down stairs and saw Kelly, where her neighbor was visiting. What a beautiful woman. I will call her Abigail! She is the second wife where she is the mother of four beautiful children. She is not a believer but I am confident that God is moving in her broken heart. Us ladies spent the afternoon and evening getting our hair done by Abigail where we were able to bless her. It was in those hours where we were able to love this beautiful family and children. Each of us had things to offer the young children that was unique to our hearts. Susan drew pictures of hope Love and beauty  for the young girls and Patty's arms were full of love. My self it was VBS song that came to mind and they loved it. Just before we left I placed a ring on Abigail's finger and let her know that Jesus is in love with her and we blessed the family.

TOMORROW YOU WILL GET THE NEXT DAY IN JORDAN

On the edge of my dream


  I stand on what it seems the cliff of dreams. Where I am seperated by what is left to lay down and the banner that my heart carries for the Kingdom. This journy of writing my book has been completely transforming on every level of who I am and how I see my self. 


The dream has been on the wings of freedom from fear. None which would have been possible if the dream had not beat wildly on my heart to the point of rushing the wall of fear that seperated me from my heart. 


   Today my book is at my editors! Thank you for all your prayer and encouragement.  Check out my website www.freedomischrist.com