Perfectly Paisley

Perfectly Paisley part 3

We had to wait till Paisley was 4 1/2 years old before she could speak. I sometimes felt for sure that we would never hear the sound of her beautiful voice. It was almost 3 years ago to the date that Paisley and I would have our first form of communication. To this very day it brings such great emotion. If you ever wondered if you'd here you child say I love you, or I want a drink to as simple as yes and no then this might be a little silly, but for this family and most for families with children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, it a very real reality and heart breaking longing that for far to many go un-grieved.

Edward, Amber, Paisley and Myself attended family fall festival at a new church we were attending. Amber, Edward and myself were changing shifts serving both the community and by taking care of our Paisley. It was difficult, and that would be an understatement. While Paisley's mood was tolerable we were having to take her off the performing concert stage which happened to be her favorite place to be. She wouldn't interact with anyone and when there was to many people around her she would met down, into pulling her hair, biting her arms till they bleed, and blood curdling screaming that seemed to last for hours. It was best that I take her home. I knew she was exhausted, after all I was stretched beyond reset button so I knew she must.
I plucked her cuteness into her car seat strapped her in so tight, trying to apply pressure everywhere to calm her down. After about 15 minuets she began to calm. I got into the car and began the drive home. The car was quite warm and you could barely hear the humming of the engine. I adjusted my review mirror so I could see paisley, and I said " Paisley do you want to take a bath?" and there was silence........ for about 5 minuets, then paisley replied "no", I felt my heart jump so I said "Paisley do you want to go to sleep?" and again there was complete silence and it seemed to just drag on and on and on, I was just  beginning to agree in my heart that she really was not talking to me and that she just said no when Paisley reply "yes!"   and it accrued to me that we had just had our first conversation. Though it was simple as a yes in no response my heart was leaping for joy! I tucked that sweet angle in next to me and I held her the rest of the evening.

By this time we were well into our was of being that family that celebrated every achievement wither great or small with cheering and extravagant love. Thank night God was letting me on a secret. Conversation happens at his pace and the success of that with Paisley will take time and believe me if this could be measured in monetary  sums in my opinion it was work millions and I had just won the lottery, the lottery of communication.

This was the platform where speaking with paisley would begin!
In the following year we began to decode paisley language for different meanings by unraveling our Perfectly Paisley

Snuggle = rub my armpit lightly till I fall asleep and at 7 it still means the same thing.
Aaah = Protest of what ever is happening
Poke = I have a rough potion on my finger nail and it still is that way.
Shock = means sore throat and it's used now for anything that is bothering her in the mouth or throat.
Vada = Chocking

And as she has grown they have expanded, but rarely were any of these used in a manner that made sense, but that didn't matter to us.
Don't smell the butt it's a rude
It's dangerous to fly a bike to the hokey pokey
Don't hit the friend be kindness
Hey we are professionals
Mom do you need Jesus coffee
Yes that right awh ha
Think about it if it's smart
Don't poop on the dog
It's not good to cut your finger
The eye is not for pulling on
Bad breath is not good it's bad
Don't touch the butt
Grace is amazing
Don't say shut up say shoot and it's not nice to flick the squishy arms.
Tink we are almost to the boarder
Blooding is not fun
If it doesn't work it's broken and needs to charge
Huot's not happy honey with the light off
Just look at the sky it's there
The sun makes pepper in the eye


Remember to Listen slowly, follow carefully, strive to understand every mood expression sound and grab every moment being a mom and dad has to offer.


Perfectly Paisley part 4 to come.

Perfectly Paisey

Perfectly Paisley It's a love story pt2

My husband, our oldest daughter Ambrose, and myself jumped all in this journey to discover how to be the best family for Paisley. We all went to play "trainings" on how to play with Paisley, to make eye contact, and to understand the ups and downs of Autism. Paisley began her speech, and occupational therapy's.

We had been working together as a team, but as a mother going to her doctor appointments and filling out those forms that tell how your child is developing was painful. I could feel that there was this fear deep in my heart that occasionally spilled out. At every doctor appointment she was falling on average 2 months behind each time and the in your face proof that she wasn't progressing.

We had worked and worked and worked on her interacting with children of her age, to engage in simple play. We'd get so excited if she even stood next to a child, or picked up the toy they had first played with, to even playing with a toy in it's intended form. Our daughter was rounding 2 and she was becoming more and more introverted and my heart was quaking.

After 6 to 8 months of continued therapy hard work and concentrated methods of development strategies, I took Paisley to a neighborhood park where children her age were playing. I watched as she walked out onto the play ground and just stood there. I look as the other children were climbing little steps going down little slides and communicating with there parent/s, pointing and interacting, then I looked at my daughter, she went under the play ground equipment and started to bang her wrist on the cold steel. I walked over to her and called her name and she didn't even look up. I picked her up and put her on the slide, where as soon as she reached the bottom she went right back to the steel pool and commenced banging her wrist. My heart broke. Months of heard work, interactive play therapy OT, Speech, Doctors appointments and so on had not changed anything right then. I sat on a bench and overwhelmed with defeat I cried. I said for the first time out loud that this isn't working and that I had no idea how to fix this.

In between my heart sobs I heard His voice, What so wrong with her the way she is? I paused and my tears stopped falling. Well nothing my heart spoke back. Then his voice again said... I have made her perfect, flawless. When will you see her for how I made her instead of who, what or how she is socially excepted. She is not meant for the charts but for celebration.
It was as if there was a burden lifted. I didn't need to fix what was not broken but instead to celebrate every good thing, every positive experience, and every tiny goal achieved.

 We started doing everything at Paisley's pace. I have not looked at a chart since we decided that the only people that needed to change was us.  Our compassion grew, our patients seemed to have no end, and as a family we really fell in love with our new perspective of Paisley.

It took us months to figure out that between trial and error our daughter was suffering from terrible motion sickness and because she couldn't communicate anything to us regarding that feeling she would be overwhelmed. We learned that every little thing had to be done in certain number sequences and every task had to be broken down into do able step. We had to show paisley by pictures, and talking what was going to happen so that she wasn't fearful. We worked for hours on going in and out of the car, what side to enter, and in what order would we put on her seat belt. It had to be done the same why all the time. We were learning to live life in a routine.

OUR GREAT MOVE

We moved to Arizona when Paisley was 2.5. she wasn't talking still although she was using a communication binder and a few unrecognizable signs. Paisley started to exhibit different behaviors then what we were used to. Her jumping and flapping became a almost all the time behavior along with self stimulation. Though our patients were growing so were the signs that our daughter had autism. I took her to a Phycologist at children where I had received a soft diagnosis.  But, because she was under the age of three she would not receive any services. So I prepared. I had what seemed like hundreds of pieces of paper that made up her medical records. I began to place them all in a binder by the year, and placing the most important and most asked for often document near the front for easy access. This binder system would become my life savor.

I discovered that we were fast approaching having awkward conversations with people regarding our daughters behavior.  Our daughter was self stimulating more and more and it was not something we were able to stop, we tried all our newly established tricks and it just was not taking. One day we were approached by a church pastor. He asked about our home life, if Paisley had experience trauma or if we subjected our daughter to adult movies. He went on to explain that church staff was really uncomfortable not reporting us to CPS for child abuse and wanted to know why paisley played with her self.  It wasn't that we had not explained our child or her behaviors but they just did not understand. We were unable to alleviate their fears and so we were asked to pull our daughter out of children's church. My husband and I started a knew and much more challenging phase of parenting.

As paisley grew so did her behaviors and her what we call now melt downs and they seemed daily. I wanted to pull my hair out. Amber would just cry sometimes because we would be at a loss. For somethings that had worked stopped working and we felt the heavy pressure of finding new solid ground.

Documents to hold onto and never ever loose:

All diagnosis
Make sure that doctors are specific in what they write, not leaving any room for error.
Immunization
Birth Certificates
IEP's
All Evaluations
All doctor appointments and results

Part 3 of Perfectly Paisley Love story coming!

Perfectly Paisley { The Journey of Autism }

Perfectly Paisley { The Journey of Autism }

After several miscarriages my husband and I gave birth to a beautiful little girl we named Paisley Opal in 2008. Paisley was born early due to complications and spent the first week in the NICU. Upon bringing her home it was followed by weeks of intensive care to monitor her heart and oxygen levels . But none of that mattered. We were thrilled and considered her life a blessing.

Paisley was a unique baby girl, she hardly ever cried and preferred to sleep in her crib from the start, she was quite. It was about 15 months into being her parents that we noticed a significant change in the progress of her development. You all know those signs as parents when your child is to meet the basic mile stones of development, our little Paisley stopped progressing, stopped making eye contact and even wouldn't eat certain things.

I was concerned that something was wrong so I took her to her pediatrician, but to no conclusion I was dismissed as an overly concerned mom, who was anxious due to past miscarriages and complications. Her decline was not slow, in fact it was abrupt and what I would consider violent. Our sweet Paisley went from being content and interactive to no interaction what so ever, to starring off into nothing, to banging her head on the walls and scrapping her nails past the wick to the point of bleeding with no registry of pain. She began to choke on her food and instead of swallowing she would play with the food in her mouth.

We took Paisley back to her pediatrician and explained what was happening to our little girl and my concerns were just increasing. Again I was dismissed and told that every child develops differently. Our problems increased daily and leaving the house as a family became tremendously difficult. We noticed that most things we did with Paisley as simple as activities of daily living had to be done in sequences of three.  We had to sing certain song to calm her extreme melt downs. She stopped making sounds all together. I felt hopeless, I knew that something was happening with my little girl but could not get any help. Thus began my husbands and my mission to unravel the mystery of our Paisley.

Because I couldn't get the attention of her pediatrician I kept a three week journal of everything Paisley, from the foods she was given there times, our daily routines, house moods, behaviors she displayed and the way we tried to redirect them and how many times we tried, melt downs, what was happening prior to them and how we calmed her down. Things she tended to enjoy and her overall cognitive functions. During this time we started to research how to put a name on what Paisley and our family was experiencing. After 3 weeks of doing this I made another appointment and the pediatrician would not look at my journal and I was frustrated. So I asked to see a different pediatrician who echoed the first. So I continued what I was doing. It was when Paisley was nearly 2 that I finally got her pediatrician to believe me. I had taken her to the doctor again and by the mercy of God Paisley began to demonstrate self mutilation tendency's and I didn't try to stop her. Her behavior became disruptive for the doctor, so when the doctor tried to stop the behavior with out success, she gave me a referral to a Washington program called Birth to Three.

During this time my husband and I had discovered that we were experiencing what most parents of children with Autism would describe. We also discovered the many hardships these families faced, and the difficulties children, people with Autism Spectrum disorder experience. We had our first evaluation, but because Paisley was to young to receive a diagnosis we were forced to settle with possible Interactive Sensory Integration Disorder.  In short Paisley wasn't able to process basic sensory functions. We were assigned two wonderful therapist who would later become part of our family is a huge way.

Here are some of the things we were dealing with before her official diagnosis.
Screaming for hours
Hitting her self
Hitting her head against the wall
Biting her self
Not eating
Loss of ability to swallow
Staring into nothing
Would not look at faces but past them
Would not respond to voices
Decline in mobility from walking to crawling to scooting along the floor
Would sleep for hours on end
Couldn't take her anywhere without screaming to the point of vomiting
Melt down triggered by certain songs / tones / smells / lights

She responded well to the following things.
Light touch in certain places
Heavy or weighted objects laying on her
Covering her eyes and putting her in a blanket to swing her
Singing certain songs
In sink breathing
Pattern lights
Door bells

More to come on the next blog:

A Journey Worth Taking

                                 

A Journey Worth Taking

Finding Hope In Marriage

What we look to we rejoice in ~ Gloria

I have been with my husband 11 years and 8 of them married. It's true that most marriages go through the 7/11 year blues, and I'd have to say in part because we change, and hopefully in a upward trajectory. But, I believe mostly that most woman set the bar for how they are to be treated far to low. I set mine unknowingly so low that a potatoe bug could have rolled over it. I am not saying that my husband is a potatoe bug but I can tell you that my perception weather I voiced it or was unaware at the time of making my vows was based out of desperation. Not desperation to be married, but out of operating out of survival.

My check list went something like this
1. Love Jesus
2. Love my daughter
3. No pornography
4. No abuse
5. Handsome

No bad right..... Well wrong there is so much missing from this list not that it needed to be 10. long, but rather more detailed in the five. Really as long as he said acted out those things then he was golden. The problem is I came into our marriage so damaged that I didn't really know what any of the above really looked like except for #1,3, and 4 and even in those I was pretty elementary in my knowledge.

Most of you might be asking what about loving you..... Well I believed that if he loved Jesus and didn't look at porn and didn't abuse me then he must love me. Really! this is the level of dysfunction I came into our marriage with and is just now coming around to take it's pound of heart, but it really feels more like 10 pounds of heart.

Though I understood a little bit about Jesus, like he constantly raises the bar for his kids to follow, he is absolutely crazy about me, and no matter what I am going to heaven and he is seeing to it. I really didn't understand enough to apply those attributes to the necessary requirement to win my heart. The abc's of Jesus were not applied to my marriage, and 11 years  later I resemble more of a hopeless, warn out, beat down woman then in my life and once what was enough is no longer even close to what it takes to keep my heart. My poor husband.

Now en-order to have God remake our marriage there is a demanded surrender and repentance and a clear understand that though the marriage contract seems ridiculous, the promise I made to Jesus has never faded but really just grown in it's strength with Jesus and is totally valid on earth and in heaven, and this Marriage matters to Jesus.

It has taken me months just to put into some words just what is my great divide between my husband and I, and no I will not share them here but what I will share is I am the one struggling to stay in the marriage. So this is the blog for the hurting lost wife, who is feeling a loss of hope and is grieving your marriage too.

There Is Hope
Come Journey with me to stop the destruction of divorce

Here are some facts about things in life that are like bombs to your marriage and are considered major life events:

Change in community: Loss of a group that is trusted
Employment loss or lack of, unwillingness provide
Abuse/drug & Alcohol/sexual/emotional/spiritual/physical
Loss of a loved one Previous spouse, children, or child, close family member
Disability/ Mental, physical
Illness/ Cancer, and Chronic
Infidelity/Pornography, Romance Novels, emotional afire, physical afire
Loss of faith/ Change in core beliefs

If I can break this in to a percentage rate of the toll that it takes on a marriage here are the stats:
Loss of Community  = - 75%
Loss or negative employment = - 75%
Abuse = -98%
Loss of a loved one = -85%
Disability = -85%
Illness= -70%
Infidelity = -98%
Loss of Faith = -85%
And just to let you know in the confounds of my marriage we have almost experienced all of these, and so when I went to see about the ground I have for a divorce, I found that no one would blame me. Then when I went to see about the grounds that I have for a divorce under God I could not find anything giving me permission. And when you are here or at lease when I was hear I decided one of us was going to have to die. No I am not going to take any action on the thought. But, it sure does set the tone of my heart, and the level of hurt I am feeling.

Hope cannot be found with out a decision to submit your thoughts to Jesus. It's just impossible because what is seen seems to be more of a truth then the unseen. 2 Corinthians 4:18 so we fix our eyes on not what is seen but to the unseen, since what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal.
I took a 24 hour holiday from life and took a personal retreat. 2 woman I love and respect deeply spend a good amount of time listening. (For our girls friends take notes) they listened to me and did not judge or trash my husband. But instead they lifted my arms up and broke demonic beliefs that I have been entertaining regards to my husband. They blessed him and me and our marriage. This was the first step I have taken to break the thought bombarding mind field I have been under.

So today I submit my thoughts again and come under the truth of Jesus Christ that what is unseen is more true then what feelings I am experiencing because of _____(you fill in the blank)_______. Forgive me Jesus for my lack of belief in you, in your redemptive power and your ability to raise this marriage from the dead and make new. Bless my husband Lord with wisdom and truth. Thank you Lord for never leaving me to the shadows of my own sin. Amen.

I encourage you to find a Marriage Coach, and please pray for our Marriage and if you want me to pray for your marriage, please leave a note.

Here's to God resurrecting our dead marriages and giving them new life.

Dreams Do Come True

DREAMS DO COME TRUE

 

 

 

I have many dreams; dreams of starting an Orphanage, dreams of being a motivational speaker, author, a home owner with land, a dream of filling my home with sons, and many more. All these dreams like most dreamers are good.

 

I grew up in a home where everyday was a struggle for survival. You just never new if when you woke up we'd have lights, or if the phone would work, or how we were going to eat. Everyday I remember as a struggle. As a little girl I never believed my dreams would come true. It's not that I didn't dream but, that the dreams that I had I believed were (just dreams). I minimized them because it was easier than to just be disappointed.

 

Tonight my husband took me to a production Cinderella at the theater. The fairy god mother said several amazing things that just shook me to the core. She said "Once you have a dream you'll know it's yours because you'll have to fight for it".

 

For as long as I've been married my husband has wanted to own a home. But, I have not shared the same passion. Yes, I want to own a home, but I never believed deep down inside dreams really come true. My mom became a home owner after my father became an inmate at Washington State Pen, but that would have never happened without the incomes of us kids. Even after she had her home it was so stressful just to live. With my life experiences nipping at my heart steeling pieces of my courage, I unknowingly settled for a life of a dreamer and decided thinking about them was luck enough.  

 

As I watched this amazing production my heart filled with hope and a sting of regret. I haven't even tried, really tried to buy a home because I am terrified. I do not know any kind of life without deep and painful obstacles. And, though it's a dream of mine (ours),  my experience has scared my desire to push through and to fight for it. I've never known success, lived with it or have had the courage to risk. When I have risked it's been a few dollars here and there while trying to decide how this money that I was spending was going to cost me later. I definitely never imagined that God would fulfill all my dreams. This is huge for me. I felt lucky just to think that maybe I could do this, be that, but never thought that I could do that.... and be that... at the same time.

 

After leaving the play I looked at my husband and I apologized. Because I have made him dreaming to own a home and fighting for that dream so difficult. In my own pursuit of dreams after experiencing the waging war I decide as if it's second nature to stop dreaming that dream, because the cost just seems to great for the reward. I try to suffocate my hearts great desire.

 

Not much different than the cowardly lion.....

My husband so patient and full of hope for the future has been thrashing it out with a wife who's hope for the future has been solely waiting on Jesus. Such a bleak, joyless marriage he's been in.

 

After sharing with my husband my fears, of not being able to afford a home, build an orphanage, become that motivational speaker, he looked at me and said, "I know your afraid, but taste and see that HE is good."

 

My trembling hasn't left but, I have a renewed hope for the future probably for the first time in years. I have tasted; HE is good, and I know that HE has put our dreams in our heart. So we look forward to the years to come with anticipation and hope for tomorrow. And, as we prepare to be pre-qualified I will trust in the Goodness of God to make a way, His way.

 

 



A sleeping Church

A sleeping Church

I titled this A sleeping Church because most churches are sleeping and precious few are awake. Sure lots are doing good things and sending missionaries out, even feeding the homeless, but when you go and worship there is a mothers rocking her baby to sleep sway lulling you to sleep I cringe.

Most churches are stuck in a way of doing things that once worked but no longer feed starving souls. 

I have a daughter with Autism. With this diagnosis comes a never ending need for visual and physical stimulation. Her sensory processing systems are stuck in over drive. I'm using this example  because in the same way the world is stuck in a desperate need to experience Jesus in overdrive. 

Where has the passion and excitement gone in the churches? Where has the venerability and transparency gone in churches?

When will I see the elders talk about how God is speaking to them in their personal lives and how that is affecting  change in them?

When will I see the recipe for change lived out in front of me so that I may be encouraged to finish well?

When will I see a church that is less worried about their sin than passionate about the freedom they have been granted?

I long for the stories of leaders who are living out scriptures who share both their struggle and rescue from the pulpit. I long for true authentic relationship with Jesus modeled for me, by those who have been hand picked by God to do so. 

There is a vast difference in hearing other people's stories then seeing the story lived out in front of you. And, perhaps I am stuck in a cycle of sensory overload, but I just don't think so. 

Believers are the most powerful and influential beings other than Jesus Christ here on earth. We hold the power of Jesus Christ with in us and the power of healing and resurrection. So why are we so sleepy, so apathetic, so busy self promoting. 

I am driven to desperation for an active church here in America, and dangerous church that doesn't worry about it's outside appearance but it's inside vital signs. I am driven to desperation for a church where the heart beat if heard and a dead world goes there for life. 

It was 8 years ago when I went to one of these churches, and I was a wreck. A woman said to me. "you know God is changing someone on the inside by how the outside changes too." She was right and in the same way it's true for church. I am not talking about a building, I am writing of a love, compassion, friendliness, an eagerness to love others beyond comfort zones. 

Awake, awake, Church clothe yourself with strength! Put on your garments of splendor; Shake off your dust, Rise up Sit enthroned. Free yourself from the chains on your neck.

Listen those of you who seek righteousness and who seek the Lord. Look to the rock from which you were cut and the carry from which you were hewn. The Lord looks on all your ruins with compassion and will make your deserts like Eden and your wastelands the garden of the Lord. Be Filled with Joy and Gladness and fill your mouth with Thanksgiving and the sound of singing. Listen to me my people here my instruction my righteousness never fails and my justice will become the light of nations so draw near to me speedily .

He Sees Me

He Sees Me

He was talking to his desciples before he was to be crucified saying, I am going away but I leave you with my Holy Spirit. 

Not long ago I was listening to a radio program and on there an man talked about having the Holy Spirit and his power in Christian living. He also referenced that the majority of believers go about three months without so much as noticing the Holy Spirit or the lack there of in their daily lives before they feel like something is missing. I think sadly that most of us haven't learned how to live in unity with the Holy Spirit so its far longer and far more devastating. I cannot help but wonder though I hear him and I missing him also?

This Christmas I have felt so disconnected from Him. In this last year I have had trial after heart ache over and over and my spirit is just warn down. Every year nearing christmas time I am so excited to read, share and understand further the story of Jesus, his birth and the power of it. This year I was not even close to the zeal I normally have. In all honesty I have lacked that zeal in every other area of my life as well for a long time, and I have my reason and even still they feel, seem, and appear valid, justifiable and understandable. 

The last six months we have been just a breath away from homelessness. Normally I want to get our tree before Thanksgiving but this year we were counting our pennies to keep food on the table and gas in the car. I had to cancel my Insurance policy for my healthcare due to lack of funds and I felt a cloud of grief roll over me as I entered into December as though I was beginning to walk in to the marsh of sorrow and weeping. 

I set up my daughters advent tree so that we could attempt to follow through but I had no desire to read daily stories outlining the beautiful journey of the birth of Jesus Christ, so I unwrapped each orinamint and watched as she decorated her little tree. While watching her I grappled with the thoughts of "I should be thankful and this tree is enough, size doesn't matter it's the meaning the story." But as right sounding as those thoughts are, it's those thoughts that kill the heart or at least mine. 

All through life I settle for less because I try to convince myself that its better for everyone if they see me smile and except things. I have done that in nearly every area and in this past year I have done this with Jesus. The pain of not having the more, the all; and walking the marshes of unmet desires cast larger shadows over my heart then I can handle.

Spending time with Jesus like I often do I poured my sorrows out to the only one who really knows and within a few days my husband received some side work and we were able to get a tree, but by this time we were well into our second week into December and though my needs and desire for a tree was met, the true desire is to have not struggled to have put it up before thanksgiving in the first place. I wanted to get an artificial tree to secure my desire for next year, but I was out voted by the budget and I settled for a real one and thought to myself! I should be thankful, perhaps God has a good memory in store for us when we get one. But, it was miserable stressful and void of joy. I just wanted to get a tree and leave and so I put a smile on my face did everything possible to make everyone happy just to get a tree, picked up my trimming for my door wreath and garland and left. We got the tree home and up, and all I could feel around me was disappointment, my disappointment. 

The following day we decorated the tree and as Paisley walked by the and tree fell over shattering many of my favorite glass ornaments and everything in me saw this whole experience as a continuance of my unbelievably hard year and I found myself wishing I had skipped Christmas all together this year.

Christmas has come and gone and we were able to get our daughter a couple of things and watching her open up gift looking for something specific that we were unable to get her brought with it the unrelenting disappointment that I have felt.

Waking up this morning to a flooded bathroom and going from sleep to stress in .5 seconds opened the flood gates of frustration. I broke again, I really don't want a halfway relationship with Jesus, or Christmas, security and compromised dreams. I want it all or nothing. I want to give Christmas not strive to bring it home, I want to feel each waking moment the glorious power and presents of the Holy Spirit, I want zeal and excitement for what is to come. So I solder on, pressing in gripping with all my might I am where I am supposed to be. 

Gratitude! I have so much to be thankful for. God did provide for us Christmas and perhaps it was all that I deserve, most likely much more and in the midst of all my anger he has not been silent. He provided money and people to invest in my health. Still on my way home from the store it dawned on me. Even if God had provided all the money to address my multitude of economic issues my heart just like the servant that was forgiven his debt would be sad, distant, lonely for God, and slapping at the illusions of life for an ounce of control, grounding. 

Yet for every bit of misery there was a counter blessing (well just about) and that reassures me that I am far from alone. I lost my diamond from my wedding ring and on Christmas Eve I found out that I am being sued for money I don't have and honestly there are no words. But I also was asked to go in for an interview for the law offices of Lerner and Rowe, so perhaps he has a job for me to take care of these debts accused over the last 6 months of no word and skimping by. 

He's Wild

He's Wild

    Following God into the unbelievable seems less of a truth today then in the days of Moses. It's a catastrophic mistake to not share the radicalness of God. Recently I posted on face-book about some land that God said He was going to give me. For those of you who have not read it let me regale you with my rather interesting story. 

   I was working from home at the time and because I had been out in corporate America earlier that day I was dressed in business attire. Anyone who knows me at all understands that God and I have had an on going dialog for many years. 

    This afternoon I herd God say to me: Get to a stopping point and go for a walk. I responded "really you know I don't like doing that." Common he said, I have something to show you. So with that I found a stopping point and walked out my front door and said which way God. 

From there I followed his simple instructions. I came to a major road and running in front of me looked like a coyote that had just given birth. I thought to my self. "Oh God, you want me to rescue puppies!" Then he said follow that dog and I did. The Dog ran into a field and disappeared into desert brush and tall field grass. So in my heals and fancy cloths I hopped a fence and went after the dog. As soon as I was on the other side of the fence about 10 strides in I heard God say STOP, so I did. Then he said. "See this land I am going to give it to you." I laughed and said well, thank you. What do you want me to do with it God? Build me a house of thanksgiving he replied. 

      I noticed a truck driving down this gravel road when God said go talk to that man. So I ran across this field, jumped a fence ran a crossed another field. The man in the truck noticing me running toward him stopped his truck. I had no idea what I was going to say when I got to him nor did it occur to me how that must have looked to him this overly dressed woman running a crossed fields jumping fences. 

     Reaching the man and out of breath I asked him who owned the field and he gave me the name and shared with me is utter disgust with the upkeep. I asked the man if I could walk around the land giving thanks for it and blessing it. Sure he replied, that shouldn't hurt anything and off he went. 

   A few weeks later I went over to once of the neighboring homes to ask for the number of the man who owned the land. I went up to this house and it looked like no one was home. I  spoke to the Lord as I walked to the front door. If this is really you make someone be there. Either way Lord I am okay with being foolish for you. 

I knocked on the door and it seemed it took forever for anyone to come to the door. Just when I was about to walk away a man opened the door. I asked him for the number of the man who owned the land. Why he asked? Do you believe in Jesus Christ I asked. Yes, the man replied. Good! Do you want to hear a story I asked? Sure he said. I told him the story above. Well, he said if he gives it to you I know a man who will buy it from you and you can make a mighty profit. Let me get you his number. He returned with the information and said. Good luck honey I don't think he'll just give it to you. I responded, that is between him and God! Have a great evening. 

Now if that is not strange enough I actually have gone over there and walked the land with my husband and we have been praying over it and thanking God for it. 

    Recently after to large speaking events I went to God with my heart and wanting to know his thoughts about some things. Here is the page of my journal with Him. When its God speaking to me you'll see this * and if its me replying then you will see this ~.

~Okay God I'm hear to listen to you

*Beloved I am so in love with you. I am proud of you.

~How can you be God, I didn't even put your name in my speech?

* Oh my Glorious beloved I am your speech, I am your voice, your courage, your love, your goodness, your generosity and I am always in you, in you're coming and going, in your hopes, dreams and desires. What people saw but did not recognize is me. Beloved you glorify me.

~Lord you know my thoughts and I'm bless you do. Thank you for hearing me. Lord I fear this land. I called the owner and there was no answer. I feel so awkward.

*Beloved I am awkward, foreign and appear to be delusional, irresponsible and mind blowing rude to some. Beloved I have given you that land so go claim it. 

~Lord I want to but I don't know how.

*Tell the man the I AM / GOD gave it to you.

~Thats it?

*No but I will take it from there. 

~Okay, when?

*Call till you reach him, search till you find him passionately CLAIM what I have given you.

~Okay I will. 

*Awh Sweet heart this is life and it is good! Go get it! I love you. 

    The following day at work I called the man with the land again. This time he answered. I introduced myself and told him I was calling about the land and that God told me that he was giving me the land. The man laughed and said no thanks and hung up. There was a part of me that was really relieved and sad at the same time. I put the number back into my wallet when a card fell out with a scripture I had written on the back of it landed in front of my eyes.  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid" John 14:21 That man called me back less than five minuets later. 

     He asked me if I was a God fearing woman. Yes, I am. He said, "That was the bravest and craziest call I have ever gotten. What are you prepared to offer me for this land? God said you are going to give it to me I replied. He then said okay, but what are you prepared to offer me for it. And I replied God. And I asked if he believed in God? The man said don't call me again and hung up. 

    This so reminds me of what it must have been like for Moses but on a grander scale for him to stand before Pharaoh and say let my people go over and over. This is why its so important to know the stories of Jesus followers not just believers because It's what give boldness and grounding perseverance, and it expands our small thinking about God and what he is doing in the hear and now. 

Grief My Friend or Foe

Grief My Friend or Foe

Its been less than a year sense my husband and I said goodbye to our son. We have learned many things in this valley of life. One of the truths we have learned is this. Without God grief will consume overwhelm and burie you, but with God you can trample with His power death and it will loose its sting. 

The last several years we have watched as many of our friends lose their spouses to cancer. We have watched how each of them pick up their lives and how they move on. It has been beautiful, yet we have also seen how that has impacted the people that have walked with them in their lives before loss and after. 

Not long like less than a day after our son Peter had died that my husband and I both said to each other, shouldn't we be sadder. Now don't get me wrong we were sad but it was different. We had hope. This hope that was being prayed over us daily by hundreds of people that held us up. It was this hope that has helped us move forward. So how is it that when a man or woman lose their spouse their able to move on when what feels like it should be more complicated or difficult for them. The thoughts that go through our minds is "How can they be honoring the memory" or How can they love so quickly again? How can they move forward while others still grieve? 

So here is the down low on grief dear brave hearts. Grief exposes. We ask God to help us heal, we ask God for hope when all seems lost and when we are in grief so big that the darkness is so thick it will choke you God swoops in and lifts you up and you began to heal and God is not a waster of time. Healing without God is impossible. So to those who have lost children or a loved one that was an interrogate part of your life, let me give you permission to say Death has lost it sting and has no grip over me. What grief exposes is where we find our life and if our all is wrapped up in God or those we love and our circumstances. 

God asked me for my son before he was born and I have always said that my children belong to the Lord but in that moment the reality of that, it hit like a heavenly weight. I knew that I could not give my children to him the way he had given His Son to me. Ouch. Yep I realized that given the choice I would have been selfish. Claiming what is His as mine. Another thing that grief exposes is that when the spouse that remains here on earth decides to move forward others that loved the passed spouse often feel indifferent and upset. Not understanding how come it can happen so fast. Healing requires other to address their grief and without permission demands that we face grief and surrender to the weightiness of God. 

Grief is it your friend or your foe? I would have to say my friend. It wilds such a dependance on God that allows God to be God in my life. It breaks us, and in a blink of an eye we are brought to our utter smallness, and His bigness and our heavenly perspective changes. Grief is a quick humbler and brings your heart into complete submission or you demand your answers. Grief my friend strips away human fronts and posers and allows God in your brokenness to bring a crazy light to a world being swallowed into darkness without hope. Without grief and a clear understanding not just through knowledge but experience of it you realize how alive and active Jesus is. Everything changes everything. 

Now grief hurts and sometimes it hurts for the entirety of our life. And, pain is not a symptom of a lack of healing it is like a book marker that God had moved the foundation of this life because he intends to use what is His for the advancement the Kingdom of Heaven. I hope that you let pain be your candle stick and hope as your flame. There is hope for the broken hearted and healing to be had, but none of it is possible without entering into grief. Grief the door to a life unleashed for the Kingdome of Heaven.  

Joy a Power Struggle

Joy A Power Struggle

     Not long ago I shared a story of my husband bathing me in prayer to free my heart and mind from addiction and debilitating depression. It was powerful and God has done a good work in me through his prayer. Although I have been set free the temptation to give in is sometimes so alluring that it takes it all nearly out of me to not give up. Now when I refers to giving up I liken that to one mental gesture. Several years ago my husband and I both quite smoking. Because of the power of my husbands prayer over me I no longer crave it. Yet, just this morning while battling PSD attack the first thing I though of was giving up and throwing in the towel meaning I should just start smoking and forget about life. As quick as that thought entered my mind so did another. "If you do you declare with your actions that my power is not sufficient for you and you undermine my victory in your life". Wow!

  Thank God for his faithfulness to my heart. No, I was not going to give up. I believe God is getting at something much much bigger. I have been wrestling with the joy found in grief for over a year now. I have battled and trampled my heart and even beaten it down to silence its cries so that I could move forward in this life. But, its joy that I fall so short of. I am often frustrated with Paul because I am not understanding with complete clarity what he was talking about. But, thus far I understand this much.

Joy, is not a feeling it is an action of the will born out of a holy belief that what you are going through is working in you an eternal glory that cannot be put out. Joy, is not based off of circumstances, friends, community, or even family. It is a muscle thats stead fast in its resolve and conviction that everything that God permits is good for me.
Joy, is not glee, or gittiness, it is found in the deep caverns of suffering and is harvested by the soul and brings you into perfect union with Christ, our Father and his heart. That is joy

   Joy is what we give up when we cave in to temptations, and attractions of the flesh. Joy is what we slay when we entertain thoughts that are contradictory to His will. What joy can be found in giving up.

  Weather your temptation is smoking like me, or leaving a church for what might happen, or because we are offended, or going to others to seek validation of our worth, our walk with God, our righteousness. Every time we dip into temptation we bury joy.

You are my refudge and my sheild I put my hope in your word. Psalms 119:114

Unwavering

Unwavering

   The times are drastically changing and the everyone is noticing it. From the believer, to the world its as though the atmosphere groans and the hearts of people grow darker then ever and you can smell the sulfur of satan and his dominion.

   It's been in the last three years that I have seen so much in your face wickedness. The reasons I am writing this particular post is because the way we reach the world must change. It's so desensitized confused and it backs disfunction and punishes the just. I see it in our churches where the children of the Godly become lovers of the world and bring hate and malice to strike out at Christ and where he is worshiped. I am watching the young teens accuse there Godly parents of abuse because they will not let them bring perversion into their home be ravaged by CPS because a mother stood her ground and now is at risk with her other children. In my job I witness the rejection people face from families, and a system designed help fail over and over again.

  What is it going to look like in 10 years in our churches in ministries in youth programs, in men and women's ministries? I cannot help but be pretty sure that what will be packing our hospitals of hope is the moms and dads of those who have rejected Christ, who have chosen to love the world. Or it will be the ones that have lost there songs from being ravaged by satan and his dominion. So what will our ministries look like? How we offer hope and healing to a world dripping with evil?

   I think we have to be experiencing God more tangibly then we are experiencing any circumstance we face. I think we have to set aside fears and inhibitions and become radical followers of Jesus Christ fierce freedom fighters with the courage of lions and the genteelness of humming birds. Its more important now then ever that we be drinking and eating the word and giving thanks to Jesus Christ for what is coming. For though we have begun to see signs of the end it will get worse and God promises that the place we are going there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more evil.

Majesty

Majesty

    It wasn't that long ago in fact it was about four years ago when without a second thought I'd say, yah! God lets do it. The beauty of child like faith and where has it gone? Has it been lost in the blizzards of winter in my heart or how about the scorching heat that withered any young bud or dried out every thing leaving it cracking and bleeding? Have I followed Him into the great unknown or was it a mirage? Have I become drift wood lifeless in the great sea of God? Maybe all of the above, either way I have lost this abandon reckless love that once gave me wings to fly through the winter, the scorching sun and the endless oceans and crashing waves.

        His shoulders are wide and His play ground is big my friend told me about three years ago. I loved His play ground and some where in the changing seasons and landscapes the play ground has changed its appearance and I have lost my way back. As I was pouring my heart out to my husband I began to think even if I could get back it would not be the same. This evening as my husband was walking my dog. He was noticing that the stars in winter in Washington that shine in the sky look vastly different then the same stars that shine here in the desert 1500 miles away at the same time. They are the same stars in the same sky but they look different. O hope you are like waves. Slapping the shores of my heart and then reseeding back into the vastness again, and the slapping the shores again.


        Lately when I hear God calling me to do something or say something or what ever, instead of saying lets do it, I have found that I ask the question in my heart... What's the cost? I do not want to be the scorned woman. The women looking at the empty space in the sky. I want that little girl abandon reckless faith that was not afraid of the majesty of God but that knew that His majesty is mine.

Autism Giggles

Autism Giggles

               This blog is to share with you the daily one liners that come from the most creative and beautiful autistic little girl of mine. So I will spare you no longer for the wisdom of my five year old!

Oh goodness don't smell their butt its rude dude, And don't burp on the gray seat! 

Jesus doesn't take naps okay all right relax, daddy will fix it for you!

Its dangerous to fly a bike and do the pokey pokey

Don't hit your friends honey be kindness!

Veda; choking sounds gross! Hey we are professionals!

Mom all we need is Jesus and coffee! Think about it if its smart!

Don't poop on the dog good grief! It's not good to cut your finger!

The eye is not for pulling on. Bad breath is bad and not good!

Don't touch the butt. Grace is amazing!

Don't say shut up, say shoot and it's not nice to flick the squishy arms!

Tink we are almost to the boarder! Blooding is not fun.

If it doesn't work its broken and needs to charge.  Huots not happy honey when the lights off

Eat your food and don't throw it all around.  Just look to the sky its there

Keep your pants on at church! It's okay to cry.

 

Jesus loves you okay all right come on . Bubbles pop     

The sun makes pepper in the eye!                                                                        

       I hope that you find these just as helpful as I have and use them in your household. 

Most always used best in a serious conversation and always great advice to give someone who is confused! Use with little discretion its much more enjoyable for everyone. 

Paisley's wisdom

 

Broken is Better

Broken is Better

    I have prayed for healing, redemption, saving grace and prosperity, for convenance, and for things to go my way. In fact I don't think that I am that different then most people who pray. I really don't want hard ship, struggle and inconvenience. I find it interesting that though I pray for all these things my life is littered with well quite the opposite. Perhaps I have got to change what I am praying for.

   This past three years have taught me so much about my self. I spend a great deal of energy tears and time trying to avoid catastrophe and more times then not I find myself smack dab in the middle of it. Either people love me and tell me or they do not and they tell me that to. I will pray "Lord, help things go smoothly," or I will pray please protect my heart from breaking. Yes, I pray that. Yet I have found that God my God our God my loving most passionate generous God has aloud deep heart break. I am not going to list them for fear I will fall into self pity but want I am attempting to do is share something I am learning about my extravagant God.

   Ruined, yep ruined for Christ. Will I gladly be humiliated, ruined and trampled so that I can be made small dependent, humble, and desperate for the cross to tread over me? I pray that I will be used for the Glory of God, I say to God all the time, "I give you my life." I think though the much bigger ask has been don't let me hurt. So really what I am asking God for is to be used as long as it remains easy, comfortable, and painless. No where and I have looked does it say that we will be kept from harm. In fact everyone that has been used by God to advance the Kingdom of heaven died doing it. Not comfortable in their beds but in prison, upside down on the cross, beheaded, and even beaten and spat on.

   So I asked myself, Do I really want to be used by God if what my largest prayer request has been  healing, and comfort? This is what I came up with. To seek comfort and the easy life would be directly opposite of every follower of Jesus who gave their lives for him, and to demand healing and comfort in the hear and now, or will I let the cross of Jesus tread over my heart ruin it for him while clinging to the promise that one day when I go home I will be healed, and there will be no more tears and no more pain.

  I plead with you Jesus to tread over me

Autism Heals

    I am a blessed mother of a 5 year old little girl who has Autism. But, I did not always feel so blessed. In-fact I have struggled deeply with being her mother. All the normal methods of parenting do not apply when you have a child with Autism. In fact it's a deep mystery that exposes every insecurity, sinful though and drives you to the end of your rope. Paisley, that's her name, was about 1 when we knew something was special about her. I was soon to find out that I was the mother of a special needs child. The stigmatism that I associated with that has been huge. The beliefs that this life was lost.

   When Paisley was 2 1/2 I took her to the park and realized that after therapy, speech she had made little to no progress. Not because her therapist were not good but because my daughter was in a world all her own and I was unable to enter. I was looking at my daughter who was in the corner of the kiddos play ground alone and reverted to a behavior we had worked on a year to stop. I was over come with despair, and disappointment. When suddenly I heard a whisper in my heart that said, "When will you see her the way I see her and not for where the world sees her?" It was in that moment that I began to except that she was perfect the way she was and that she didn't need to meet those mile stones, and from then on I decided to celebrate every word, eye contact, gesture, and hug because hers meant more than most.

    Now I have gone to wonderful groups for moms with children my daughters age to glean from them. I want to say out front that I think these groups are good and vital to mothers raising children, but this is written from the perspective of a mother of an autistic child.  The regular topics consisted of obedience, organization, listening, temper-tantrums, and sibling fighting, making quality time, teaching your children about Jesus. My issues have been self mutilation, smearing poop on the wall, pulling at her eye balls, many many many sleepless nights, hitting others, throwing objects for no known reason to me and hitting her head against the wall till blood spattered. I have never had time to teach her to share, or to have patience. Secretly in my head I was thinking. If only we could trade problems I would in a heart beat. I have felt so alone and with thoughts like: I should not be her mother, I should put her up for adoption, what would christians think of me if i did that, To putting my daughter in her room for her own safety to putting my self in my room for her safety and calling her father and telling him to call the police because I cannot be her mom anymore, to understanding why some women kill their children. Yes, these are the thoughts of a mother that is dealing with years and years of no answers and where the world around her is experiencing something so very different.

    How Autism is healing me is both beautiful and just astounding. Often you will here people say that children with Autism are incapable of empathy. That is not true. During this last year while caring our son that did move to heaven shortly after his birth, our daughters heart blossomed in a miraculous ways. She first noticed my tears and would touch them and think then taste them, then she started wiping them and putting them on her eyes and saying this is sad. For the first time I had a little girl that in the middle of the winter in my heart was like the sun of heaven and I knew she knew I was sad and that meant she could feel sadness to. She used to ask her baby brother to come to paisleys room to play, she was excited and when he was born it was as if everything she wanted she'd got. She held him, the little girl that has so often refused affection was giving affection. During this time we were having all the problems listed above. Something beautiful was happing to my daughter. Something that I had not seen before and it was here in a time where these wasn't really anything I could find to smile about. It was paisley that spread a smile across my face of despair at least once a day if not more, or she was curling up on my laps saying Jesus loves me too.

    I'v heard every diet plan, healthy option, and vitamin tips and trick to better behaviors through natural methods. Now some of these methods are legit, and those that are cost thousands of dollars a year and is not covered. So unless you are a millionaire it's not an option.  Yet I do all that I can and Paisley is die free, dairy free for the most part, but she is not gluten free because she is not allergic, and to tell you the truth, changing diet didn't change her behavior at all. I faced the social free and put my five year old on medication and with in a month she had stopped nearly above listed behaviors and I have a little girl who is expressing what I think has been waiting to get out. My daughter Paisley who has Autism is being used by God to heal my broken heart. I am the perfect mom for her, and I am glad that Paisley has autism. Because of this I will alway be her mommy, weather she is 10, 30 or 50. Because of Paisley I have more courage, boldness, and bravery to pursue my dreams. That way I can cheer her on into her dreams. She cannot accomplish her dreams unless I chase mine. Is it still hard? yes, and am I still unraveling this mystery no. It's not mine to unravel, but to enjoy. My daughter laughs now, speaks to me, hugs me and wipes my tears. She, dances with daddy and she sleeps with me sometimes. She sings everything to the tune of amazing grace and talks to her fairies about Jesus. My daughter with autism is transforming my life into the most beautiful experience.

He is making all things new.

The power of prayer

Not to long ago; my husband and I gave birth to a little boy who would move to heaven only 74 min after birth. As much as you can prepare your heart to shatter there is no logical practical solution in escaping the shock waves that rattle you to the core.
I was consumed with grief and I am still grieving, but the purpose of this blog is to share with you a secret I have found in the power of prayer.

Before the loss of our son, I had somewhere in my heart had decided that we had faced enough hardships in this life and our turn was over. As temping as these thoughts are they are simply no true. I mean after growing up in cult, and abused by my father and braking free from their control, I really felt then that was enough. But, when you loss a child it changes you and something moves into your heart in a way and grows like ivy and it chokes the life out of you. This is FEAR. Three months after my son passed away I placed myself in a job. I needed to keep busy very busy. The depression that comes when your child dies is overwhelming to put it lightly. And as long as I could keep busy then I was not able to be drowned in the assault of wave after wave of the kind of depression that causes you to plead for death.

Whenever I stop; and by stopping I mean putting my phone down turning off the computer, no book reading to keep knowledge pouring in. Just stopping and being my heart fills with fear and it feels as though an ocean of grief will wash over me and I start to have panic attacks. Tonight was just such a night. My husband and I trying desperately to fight for this hard place in our marriage decided that we would have time together and turn off and put away all distracting things. As we lay next to each-other my heart began to pound, and fear was right there to great me like an abusive companion and I cowered like a beaten down victim  and I began to cry. After my husband asses the situation and try to understand the logic of it all and to make some sort of sense he came to the conclusion that this was a God invitation of perfect proportion. And without hesitation he invited Jesus into our bed and into our thoughts. He came against the spirit of fear with the power of Jesus Christ and blessed our marriage. It was as if fear had been slapped and as quick as it had come over me it had retreated and I could breath again.

This isn't the first time Jesus has been invited into our bed and it will not be the last time. I just wanted you all to know that though I am week, and at times feel powerless over death I must cling to the truth that death has been defeated and the one who defeated it LOVES me. I just need to call out his name. Jesus

Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of God rule in your hearts

One Tear at a Time

One Tear at a Time

       Who can hold each tear or tell from the place that it falls from. There is nothing like letting your child go to heaven and not having a mother that wants to hold you through this process, or at least eachother. I am struggling with trying not to add this hurt that I am experiancing to the baggage of our relationship. Two phone converstaions in 7 months and each lasting maybe five min. 

I have found myself as I was when I was younger desparately wanting to be loved by my family and profoundly rejected. I am frusterated with my self because I desire that no matter how much I try to kill that desire. 

A Pharisee To

A Pharisee To

     Guilty by omission. Thats right I am a pharisee to. Although if you'd ask me just six months ago I would have been highly offended. This is what has made me realize that just how I fell into the pharisee trap. 

God in his mighty strength snatched me from a pit of death, planted me on sold free ground cleaned me off and began to heal me. I fell in love and my zeal for Him grew and grew. I was getting to know Jesus and his heart for me. After a while I realized that the crowd of believers that was experiancing this same zeal was smaller then the crowd that wasn't. I began to ask why they were not excited like me. How could they not. I mean did they not fall in love too. 

Then as God was willing to work with this mess called me. I began to understand and become skilled in the way of ministry. I then realized that not all leaders had zeal either and my heart started to form opinions and draw conclusions and I studied people and their walk with God. I became fearful that I would loose my zeal and therefore I became diligent in my seeking of God. The more I saught God the more I let others know that if they wanted a closer relationship with God they to must seek him, because it was working for me. 

My heart is good and I have to say that I had no idea that I was a pharisee in training. Isn't this how satan works though. You are filled with zeal for the Lord and then satan takes your gaze away from God for a split second and you realize that what you are seeing and hearing how others experiance Christ is a far cry from what you experiance. It is a deadly trap an addictive one. 

Countless times I have asked why are they leading they don't even get it, or this is a sad time the church is a mess. In my heart I have said much more. I pray that I am not the lone pharisee. 

Yet this problem begs for a deeper answer. How do you loose the joy of your salvation? How do we as leaders encourage others to lay hold of their zeal for God with out coming across as having it figuared out? How do you walk in humility, grace and understanding sometimes for years with one person or several while being passionate, determined, feirce, and bold? Those seem so opposite of eachother. I am incapeable of not sinning. 

Beautiful Release

Beautiful Release

When I am faced with any change in my life that reqires me to face uncertainty I grapple with fear. Tremendous fear. I had made fear my advisor in life. Currently we are facing a life changing circumstance. We are currently planning the celebration of life service for our unborn son. This is much like an Abraham journey. I have viewed letting go of something loved as a valley experiance, much like a funeral of the heart. And it has felt very much like that. Choosing to remain pregnant till God chooses to recieve our gift I aliken to the walk Abraham made up the mountian with his son Issac.

The other day pre labor contractions started and I was fludded with fear. Not of  the death of our son, but all of the unknowns and the pain. My loving husband lay next to me as I wept and frustrated with his unablity to take this from me, he washed my broken spirit with the word. Suddenly the question came to my mind. why are some healed and others not, why do we pray and pray and press into the father and still recieve that what we do not want. I am possitive that Abraham wrestled with the same questions as he packed his bags and headed for the mountain top. Then God gently spoken to my clinging to fear heart. Do you believe really that I am good? And, in that moment being completely honest I was having my doubts. Sometime the losses feel greater then the rewards. It was as if a old veil was being removed from my eyes. If I believed He was good and his desire for me is good then my fear is really a lack of belief in him. If I believed he was good then my journey up the mountain would be a relief my obediance to His desire to have our son to Him self would be my greatest pleasure. What I was veiwing as a valley experiance would be quite beautiful, quite holy.

This is devine holiness. And, this has changed the way I pray as I walk this mountain. I pray that my mind is kept pure, that I do not stumble, that I am able to rejoice on my way, singing new songs. Songs of His generostity, goodness, and His faithfulness. I want to celebrate the unknown and misunderstood mystries of God and His marvolious heart for us.
Earlier in this journey I was grieving hard and asked a dear friend how do I find joy in the midst of my suffering, how do I suffer well. Purhaps this is what Paul was talking about. Joy in suffering is when we let go of it's sting.

So I let of my life line called fear and reclined in the lap of God and swang in peace from this mountain top. From here the veiw is stunning, and worth its suffering. It is a beautiful release!

Confessions of a grieving mother

Confessions of a grieving mother

I found my self today grappling with the fact that God gave his son for me and I am having a hard time giving my son back. The way He asked me was loving, enduring and clearly the desire of His heart. But, why am I unable to give this child of my to God who loves me more than I can comprehend, who's plans are good for me and His will being so soverign and generious. The last thing I ever want to do is grapple with God over this one. In my heart I want to freely give as he ask, and yet I am selfish, angry at times and jealous even. I find myself questioning things I swore I never would.

If only this was the only confession. I have become critical even judgmental. I splatter my grief like a toxic paint on what seems to be everyone around me. What I complain about is not even the fact that I will be laying my son to rest when he is born. It's about everything else under the sun. My pet peaves are on a hightened sense of irritation and I am itching to voice my opion. When what is that anyway. Being right is all that is, being right, and even then most times its not worth it.

Who am I to complain? Yet, at this moment I am not as thankful as I long to be. Im in a pit of pain, grief, discontent, and even worse bitterness. I know its a mistake to look at the grass on the other side of the fence, yet at times the side I am on is some times unbearable. What I don't want is to look back at this time and wish I worshiped more, was more thankful, and offered more grace because the grace offered to me in this time of my life is truely a gift in it's self.

Just some confessions of a grieving mother.