Crows Nest

I lay on my bed curled up and crying out to God about the direction the evening took with my husband. My heart felt etiolated by enemy fire. I am at the mercy of everyone and suddenly became completely aware that I was not enough and that what ever I bring to life falls tremendously short and the one person I needed to arrive on the battle field came dressed for dinner not war. I have nothing to bring other than me and me is not enough. And so I cried out to the Lord. 

A few months ago words were spoken over our marriage that were profound. Our marriage was a ship out to sea. I was in the crows nest and my husband at the helm with the Lord. God has given me the gift of seeing the unseen, yet me seeing is just seeing and does not control the direction that is taken. Although I can see what otherwise is somewhat hidden to some, my attitude and beliefs keep me from seeing the whole picture. So often I see the storm coming and I find myself pleading that my husband take us in a different direction. It was that way when we started going to church, that way again when we moved to AZ, and several times in between and after. 

The other night I was consumed by the storm that was raging all around me and was rendered prisoner to despair. Despair is a interesting word; its meaning in purest form is nothing other than to turn your back on God. I was unable to see where God was taking me in the midst of the storm because of my despairing thinking. 

If God has given me the gift to see, then seeing would mean all that His will desires. I know that the desire of my God is goodness, and therefor would want me to see His goodness too. To see the hope on the other side of the storm. To see it all the bigger picture, the war, His beauty, His glory, and with that sin and the death it brings and the depravity it carries. If I can hear God in 10 different ways then could I also see him in those same ways too? I think so.

So I uncurled my self and reclaimed my place on the battle field declaring that I was never going to be enough for my marriage, friendships, ministry, and then found my peace in knowing that God is enough in me. I picked up my sword and God silenced the enemy.  I faced what would have taken me out for days and dusted myself off, and advanced on our enemy with the power of the word. 

~Beholding Beauty~

The tapestry of a woman's heart is so complex or at lease I thought mine was. But really is simple beauty is  more powerful then my feeble state is used to carrying. Perhaps it’s not our complexity that baffles us all but the power in our beauty that has us in awe.
Growing up in a home where beauty was distorted and cursed, to being taught that beauty was something that was for the opposite sex, my understanding of what God really designed as beautiful is slowly creeping to the surface and its nothing of what I understood. Being made in the image of God to reflect His glory? I cannot help but think that perhaps that my beauty is just as vital part of my healing as my heart.
While studying with what I can call my best friend, Revelation this gentleman asked a simple question that started this unraveling of my heart. His question was “What will you tell God you did with your time”? I immediately thought of a story that I understood to be about money, but really its not about money at all. There were three men given each a specific amount of money to use wisely. One buried it so that he would keep it for his master, the other invested some and saved some and the third invested the whole amount. When the master returned to see what each man did the first dug up his gift and said I have saved this for you. The Master rebuked him because his did nothing with what he was trusted with. The second man brought back a slight increase of what he was given but this man was also rebuked because he did not give his all. The third returned with 3x as much and he was praised for his was faithful with what he was given.
This got me thinking, am I faithful with my gift of salvation? What man am I like? My heart began to hurt. I am more like the second man than I want to be. The one area of my life that has always neglected is my beauty. I have hated myself, and all though I would not have admitted it before, I was just really waiting for Jesus to come back. How can I ever look at what has been so scared and decimated with satisfaction. In my refusal to see my beauty I have gained a significant amount of weight, and my health is in shambles.
Not long ago my health gave me a scare. I knew I would need to do something about this weight issue. But in my heart I was irritated that God wanted to use me. Secretly I just wanted him to take me home. The very idea of looking at myself as beautiful has been so hidden under blankets of contempt. I have denied myself beauty and therefore have created a standard in my marriage where my husband will not fight for it either. I had berried my beauty beneath my broken heart and was investing only what I though was worthy.
This morning I lay on my bed talking my best friend. Both of us sharing where we are in marriage, and parenting, our struggles and accomplishments. My friend shared with me how she thought I was a good mother, Yet everything in me could not receive her affirmation. My heart so wanted to. I wanted to believe what she believes, to see what she sees. Just like I want to see my self as something beautiful yet no matter how many times I look in mirror I would not even look into my eyes. I realized that my refusal to embrace my own beauty it has stolen joy in my life, some freedom, and most of all has damped the glory of God. Sitting on the floor of the shower I poured my heart out to God asking for forgiveness, for my unwillingness to go there all these years.