He Sees Me

He Sees Me

He was talking to his desciples before he was to be crucified saying, I am going away but I leave you with my Holy Spirit. 

Not long ago I was listening to a radio program and on there an man talked about having the Holy Spirit and his power in Christian living. He also referenced that the majority of believers go about three months without so much as noticing the Holy Spirit or the lack there of in their daily lives before they feel like something is missing. I think sadly that most of us haven't learned how to live in unity with the Holy Spirit so its far longer and far more devastating. I cannot help but wonder though I hear him and I missing him also?

This Christmas I have felt so disconnected from Him. In this last year I have had trial after heart ache over and over and my spirit is just warn down. Every year nearing christmas time I am so excited to read, share and understand further the story of Jesus, his birth and the power of it. This year I was not even close to the zeal I normally have. In all honesty I have lacked that zeal in every other area of my life as well for a long time, and I have my reason and even still they feel, seem, and appear valid, justifiable and understandable. 

The last six months we have been just a breath away from homelessness. Normally I want to get our tree before Thanksgiving but this year we were counting our pennies to keep food on the table and gas in the car. I had to cancel my Insurance policy for my healthcare due to lack of funds and I felt a cloud of grief roll over me as I entered into December as though I was beginning to walk in to the marsh of sorrow and weeping. 

I set up my daughters advent tree so that we could attempt to follow through but I had no desire to read daily stories outlining the beautiful journey of the birth of Jesus Christ, so I unwrapped each orinamint and watched as she decorated her little tree. While watching her I grappled with the thoughts of "I should be thankful and this tree is enough, size doesn't matter it's the meaning the story." But as right sounding as those thoughts are, it's those thoughts that kill the heart or at least mine. 

All through life I settle for less because I try to convince myself that its better for everyone if they see me smile and except things. I have done that in nearly every area and in this past year I have done this with Jesus. The pain of not having the more, the all; and walking the marshes of unmet desires cast larger shadows over my heart then I can handle.

Spending time with Jesus like I often do I poured my sorrows out to the only one who really knows and within a few days my husband received some side work and we were able to get a tree, but by this time we were well into our second week into December and though my needs and desire for a tree was met, the true desire is to have not struggled to have put it up before thanksgiving in the first place. I wanted to get an artificial tree to secure my desire for next year, but I was out voted by the budget and I settled for a real one and thought to myself! I should be thankful, perhaps God has a good memory in store for us when we get one. But, it was miserable stressful and void of joy. I just wanted to get a tree and leave and so I put a smile on my face did everything possible to make everyone happy just to get a tree, picked up my trimming for my door wreath and garland and left. We got the tree home and up, and all I could feel around me was disappointment, my disappointment. 

The following day we decorated the tree and as Paisley walked by the and tree fell over shattering many of my favorite glass ornaments and everything in me saw this whole experience as a continuance of my unbelievably hard year and I found myself wishing I had skipped Christmas all together this year.

Christmas has come and gone and we were able to get our daughter a couple of things and watching her open up gift looking for something specific that we were unable to get her brought with it the unrelenting disappointment that I have felt.

Waking up this morning to a flooded bathroom and going from sleep to stress in .5 seconds opened the flood gates of frustration. I broke again, I really don't want a halfway relationship with Jesus, or Christmas, security and compromised dreams. I want it all or nothing. I want to give Christmas not strive to bring it home, I want to feel each waking moment the glorious power and presents of the Holy Spirit, I want zeal and excitement for what is to come. So I solder on, pressing in gripping with all my might I am where I am supposed to be. 

Gratitude! I have so much to be thankful for. God did provide for us Christmas and perhaps it was all that I deserve, most likely much more and in the midst of all my anger he has not been silent. He provided money and people to invest in my health. Still on my way home from the store it dawned on me. Even if God had provided all the money to address my multitude of economic issues my heart just like the servant that was forgiven his debt would be sad, distant, lonely for God, and slapping at the illusions of life for an ounce of control, grounding. 

Yet for every bit of misery there was a counter blessing (well just about) and that reassures me that I am far from alone. I lost my diamond from my wedding ring and on Christmas Eve I found out that I am being sued for money I don't have and honestly there are no words. But I also was asked to go in for an interview for the law offices of Lerner and Rowe, so perhaps he has a job for me to take care of these debts accused over the last 6 months of no word and skimping by. 

He's Wild

He's Wild

    Following God into the unbelievable seems less of a truth today then in the days of Moses. It's a catastrophic mistake to not share the radicalness of God. Recently I posted on face-book about some land that God said He was going to give me. For those of you who have not read it let me regale you with my rather interesting story. 

   I was working from home at the time and because I had been out in corporate America earlier that day I was dressed in business attire. Anyone who knows me at all understands that God and I have had an on going dialog for many years. 

    This afternoon I herd God say to me: Get to a stopping point and go for a walk. I responded "really you know I don't like doing that." Common he said, I have something to show you. So with that I found a stopping point and walked out my front door and said which way God. 

From there I followed his simple instructions. I came to a major road and running in front of me looked like a coyote that had just given birth. I thought to my self. "Oh God, you want me to rescue puppies!" Then he said follow that dog and I did. The Dog ran into a field and disappeared into desert brush and tall field grass. So in my heals and fancy cloths I hopped a fence and went after the dog. As soon as I was on the other side of the fence about 10 strides in I heard God say STOP, so I did. Then he said. "See this land I am going to give it to you." I laughed and said well, thank you. What do you want me to do with it God? Build me a house of thanksgiving he replied. 

      I noticed a truck driving down this gravel road when God said go talk to that man. So I ran across this field, jumped a fence ran a crossed another field. The man in the truck noticing me running toward him stopped his truck. I had no idea what I was going to say when I got to him nor did it occur to me how that must have looked to him this overly dressed woman running a crossed fields jumping fences. 

     Reaching the man and out of breath I asked him who owned the field and he gave me the name and shared with me is utter disgust with the upkeep. I asked the man if I could walk around the land giving thanks for it and blessing it. Sure he replied, that shouldn't hurt anything and off he went. 

   A few weeks later I went over to once of the neighboring homes to ask for the number of the man who owned the land. I went up to this house and it looked like no one was home. I  spoke to the Lord as I walked to the front door. If this is really you make someone be there. Either way Lord I am okay with being foolish for you. 

I knocked on the door and it seemed it took forever for anyone to come to the door. Just when I was about to walk away a man opened the door. I asked him for the number of the man who owned the land. Why he asked? Do you believe in Jesus Christ I asked. Yes, the man replied. Good! Do you want to hear a story I asked? Sure he said. I told him the story above. Well, he said if he gives it to you I know a man who will buy it from you and you can make a mighty profit. Let me get you his number. He returned with the information and said. Good luck honey I don't think he'll just give it to you. I responded, that is between him and God! Have a great evening. 

Now if that is not strange enough I actually have gone over there and walked the land with my husband and we have been praying over it and thanking God for it. 

    Recently after to large speaking events I went to God with my heart and wanting to know his thoughts about some things. Here is the page of my journal with Him. When its God speaking to me you'll see this * and if its me replying then you will see this ~.

~Okay God I'm hear to listen to you

*Beloved I am so in love with you. I am proud of you.

~How can you be God, I didn't even put your name in my speech?

* Oh my Glorious beloved I am your speech, I am your voice, your courage, your love, your goodness, your generosity and I am always in you, in you're coming and going, in your hopes, dreams and desires. What people saw but did not recognize is me. Beloved you glorify me.

~Lord you know my thoughts and I'm bless you do. Thank you for hearing me. Lord I fear this land. I called the owner and there was no answer. I feel so awkward.

*Beloved I am awkward, foreign and appear to be delusional, irresponsible and mind blowing rude to some. Beloved I have given you that land so go claim it. 

~Lord I want to but I don't know how.

*Tell the man the I AM / GOD gave it to you.

~Thats it?

*No but I will take it from there. 

~Okay, when?

*Call till you reach him, search till you find him passionately CLAIM what I have given you.

~Okay I will. 

*Awh Sweet heart this is life and it is good! Go get it! I love you. 

    The following day at work I called the man with the land again. This time he answered. I introduced myself and told him I was calling about the land and that God told me that he was giving me the land. The man laughed and said no thanks and hung up. There was a part of me that was really relieved and sad at the same time. I put the number back into my wallet when a card fell out with a scripture I had written on the back of it landed in front of my eyes.  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid" John 14:21 That man called me back less than five minuets later. 

     He asked me if I was a God fearing woman. Yes, I am. He said, "That was the bravest and craziest call I have ever gotten. What are you prepared to offer me for this land? God said you are going to give it to me I replied. He then said okay, but what are you prepared to offer me for it. And I replied God. And I asked if he believed in God? The man said don't call me again and hung up. 

    This so reminds me of what it must have been like for Moses but on a grander scale for him to stand before Pharaoh and say let my people go over and over. This is why its so important to know the stories of Jesus followers not just believers because It's what give boldness and grounding perseverance, and it expands our small thinking about God and what he is doing in the hear and now. 

Grief My Friend or Foe

Grief My Friend or Foe

Its been less than a year sense my husband and I said goodbye to our son. We have learned many things in this valley of life. One of the truths we have learned is this. Without God grief will consume overwhelm and burie you, but with God you can trample with His power death and it will loose its sting. 

The last several years we have watched as many of our friends lose their spouses to cancer. We have watched how each of them pick up their lives and how they move on. It has been beautiful, yet we have also seen how that has impacted the people that have walked with them in their lives before loss and after. 

Not long like less than a day after our son Peter had died that my husband and I both said to each other, shouldn't we be sadder. Now don't get me wrong we were sad but it was different. We had hope. This hope that was being prayed over us daily by hundreds of people that held us up. It was this hope that has helped us move forward. So how is it that when a man or woman lose their spouse their able to move on when what feels like it should be more complicated or difficult for them. The thoughts that go through our minds is "How can they be honoring the memory" or How can they love so quickly again? How can they move forward while others still grieve? 

So here is the down low on grief dear brave hearts. Grief exposes. We ask God to help us heal, we ask God for hope when all seems lost and when we are in grief so big that the darkness is so thick it will choke you God swoops in and lifts you up and you began to heal and God is not a waster of time. Healing without God is impossible. So to those who have lost children or a loved one that was an interrogate part of your life, let me give you permission to say Death has lost it sting and has no grip over me. What grief exposes is where we find our life and if our all is wrapped up in God or those we love and our circumstances. 

God asked me for my son before he was born and I have always said that my children belong to the Lord but in that moment the reality of that, it hit like a heavenly weight. I knew that I could not give my children to him the way he had given His Son to me. Ouch. Yep I realized that given the choice I would have been selfish. Claiming what is His as mine. Another thing that grief exposes is that when the spouse that remains here on earth decides to move forward others that loved the passed spouse often feel indifferent and upset. Not understanding how come it can happen so fast. Healing requires other to address their grief and without permission demands that we face grief and surrender to the weightiness of God. 

Grief is it your friend or your foe? I would have to say my friend. It wilds such a dependance on God that allows God to be God in my life. It breaks us, and in a blink of an eye we are brought to our utter smallness, and His bigness and our heavenly perspective changes. Grief is a quick humbler and brings your heart into complete submission or you demand your answers. Grief my friend strips away human fronts and posers and allows God in your brokenness to bring a crazy light to a world being swallowed into darkness without hope. Without grief and a clear understanding not just through knowledge but experience of it you realize how alive and active Jesus is. Everything changes everything. 

Now grief hurts and sometimes it hurts for the entirety of our life. And, pain is not a symptom of a lack of healing it is like a book marker that God had moved the foundation of this life because he intends to use what is His for the advancement the Kingdom of Heaven. I hope that you let pain be your candle stick and hope as your flame. There is hope for the broken hearted and healing to be had, but none of it is possible without entering into grief. Grief the door to a life unleashed for the Kingdome of Heaven.  

Joy a Power Struggle

Joy A Power Struggle

     Not long ago I shared a story of my husband bathing me in prayer to free my heart and mind from addiction and debilitating depression. It was powerful and God has done a good work in me through his prayer. Although I have been set free the temptation to give in is sometimes so alluring that it takes it all nearly out of me to not give up. Now when I refers to giving up I liken that to one mental gesture. Several years ago my husband and I both quite smoking. Because of the power of my husbands prayer over me I no longer crave it. Yet, just this morning while battling PSD attack the first thing I though of was giving up and throwing in the towel meaning I should just start smoking and forget about life. As quick as that thought entered my mind so did another. "If you do you declare with your actions that my power is not sufficient for you and you undermine my victory in your life". Wow!

  Thank God for his faithfulness to my heart. No, I was not going to give up. I believe God is getting at something much much bigger. I have been wrestling with the joy found in grief for over a year now. I have battled and trampled my heart and even beaten it down to silence its cries so that I could move forward in this life. But, its joy that I fall so short of. I am often frustrated with Paul because I am not understanding with complete clarity what he was talking about. But, thus far I understand this much.

Joy, is not a feeling it is an action of the will born out of a holy belief that what you are going through is working in you an eternal glory that cannot be put out. Joy, is not based off of circumstances, friends, community, or even family. It is a muscle thats stead fast in its resolve and conviction that everything that God permits is good for me.
Joy, is not glee, or gittiness, it is found in the deep caverns of suffering and is harvested by the soul and brings you into perfect union with Christ, our Father and his heart. That is joy

   Joy is what we give up when we cave in to temptations, and attractions of the flesh. Joy is what we slay when we entertain thoughts that are contradictory to His will. What joy can be found in giving up.

  Weather your temptation is smoking like me, or leaving a church for what might happen, or because we are offended, or going to others to seek validation of our worth, our walk with God, our righteousness. Every time we dip into temptation we bury joy.

You are my refudge and my sheild I put my hope in your word. Psalms 119:114

Unwavering

Unwavering

   The times are drastically changing and the everyone is noticing it. From the believer, to the world its as though the atmosphere groans and the hearts of people grow darker then ever and you can smell the sulfur of satan and his dominion.

   It's been in the last three years that I have seen so much in your face wickedness. The reasons I am writing this particular post is because the way we reach the world must change. It's so desensitized confused and it backs disfunction and punishes the just. I see it in our churches where the children of the Godly become lovers of the world and bring hate and malice to strike out at Christ and where he is worshiped. I am watching the young teens accuse there Godly parents of abuse because they will not let them bring perversion into their home be ravaged by CPS because a mother stood her ground and now is at risk with her other children. In my job I witness the rejection people face from families, and a system designed help fail over and over again.

  What is it going to look like in 10 years in our churches in ministries in youth programs, in men and women's ministries? I cannot help but be pretty sure that what will be packing our hospitals of hope is the moms and dads of those who have rejected Christ, who have chosen to love the world. Or it will be the ones that have lost there songs from being ravaged by satan and his dominion. So what will our ministries look like? How we offer hope and healing to a world dripping with evil?

   I think we have to be experiencing God more tangibly then we are experiencing any circumstance we face. I think we have to set aside fears and inhibitions and become radical followers of Jesus Christ fierce freedom fighters with the courage of lions and the genteelness of humming birds. Its more important now then ever that we be drinking and eating the word and giving thanks to Jesus Christ for what is coming. For though we have begun to see signs of the end it will get worse and God promises that the place we are going there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more evil.

Majesty

Majesty

    It wasn't that long ago in fact it was about four years ago when without a second thought I'd say, yah! God lets do it. The beauty of child like faith and where has it gone? Has it been lost in the blizzards of winter in my heart or how about the scorching heat that withered any young bud or dried out every thing leaving it cracking and bleeding? Have I followed Him into the great unknown or was it a mirage? Have I become drift wood lifeless in the great sea of God? Maybe all of the above, either way I have lost this abandon reckless love that once gave me wings to fly through the winter, the scorching sun and the endless oceans and crashing waves.

        His shoulders are wide and His play ground is big my friend told me about three years ago. I loved His play ground and some where in the changing seasons and landscapes the play ground has changed its appearance and I have lost my way back. As I was pouring my heart out to my husband I began to think even if I could get back it would not be the same. This evening as my husband was walking my dog. He was noticing that the stars in winter in Washington that shine in the sky look vastly different then the same stars that shine here in the desert 1500 miles away at the same time. They are the same stars in the same sky but they look different. O hope you are like waves. Slapping the shores of my heart and then reseeding back into the vastness again, and the slapping the shores again.


        Lately when I hear God calling me to do something or say something or what ever, instead of saying lets do it, I have found that I ask the question in my heart... What's the cost? I do not want to be the scorned woman. The women looking at the empty space in the sky. I want that little girl abandon reckless faith that was not afraid of the majesty of God but that knew that His majesty is mine.

Autism Giggles

Autism Giggles

               This blog is to share with you the daily one liners that come from the most creative and beautiful autistic little girl of mine. So I will spare you no longer for the wisdom of my five year old!

Oh goodness don't smell their butt its rude dude, And don't burp on the gray seat! 

Jesus doesn't take naps okay all right relax, daddy will fix it for you!

Its dangerous to fly a bike and do the pokey pokey

Don't hit your friends honey be kindness!

Veda; choking sounds gross! Hey we are professionals!

Mom all we need is Jesus and coffee! Think about it if its smart!

Don't poop on the dog good grief! It's not good to cut your finger!

The eye is not for pulling on. Bad breath is bad and not good!

Don't touch the butt. Grace is amazing!

Don't say shut up, say shoot and it's not nice to flick the squishy arms!

Tink we are almost to the boarder! Blooding is not fun.

If it doesn't work its broken and needs to charge.  Huots not happy honey when the lights off

Eat your food and don't throw it all around.  Just look to the sky its there

Keep your pants on at church! It's okay to cry.

 

Jesus loves you okay all right come on . Bubbles pop     

The sun makes pepper in the eye!                                                                        

       I hope that you find these just as helpful as I have and use them in your household. 

Most always used best in a serious conversation and always great advice to give someone who is confused! Use with little discretion its much more enjoyable for everyone. 

Paisley's wisdom

 

Broken is Better

Broken is Better

    I have prayed for healing, redemption, saving grace and prosperity, for convenance, and for things to go my way. In fact I don't think that I am that different then most people who pray. I really don't want hard ship, struggle and inconvenience. I find it interesting that though I pray for all these things my life is littered with well quite the opposite. Perhaps I have got to change what I am praying for.

   This past three years have taught me so much about my self. I spend a great deal of energy tears and time trying to avoid catastrophe and more times then not I find myself smack dab in the middle of it. Either people love me and tell me or they do not and they tell me that to. I will pray "Lord, help things go smoothly," or I will pray please protect my heart from breaking. Yes, I pray that. Yet I have found that God my God our God my loving most passionate generous God has aloud deep heart break. I am not going to list them for fear I will fall into self pity but want I am attempting to do is share something I am learning about my extravagant God.

   Ruined, yep ruined for Christ. Will I gladly be humiliated, ruined and trampled so that I can be made small dependent, humble, and desperate for the cross to tread over me? I pray that I will be used for the Glory of God, I say to God all the time, "I give you my life." I think though the much bigger ask has been don't let me hurt. So really what I am asking God for is to be used as long as it remains easy, comfortable, and painless. No where and I have looked does it say that we will be kept from harm. In fact everyone that has been used by God to advance the Kingdom of heaven died doing it. Not comfortable in their beds but in prison, upside down on the cross, beheaded, and even beaten and spat on.

   So I asked myself, Do I really want to be used by God if what my largest prayer request has been  healing, and comfort? This is what I came up with. To seek comfort and the easy life would be directly opposite of every follower of Jesus who gave their lives for him, and to demand healing and comfort in the hear and now, or will I let the cross of Jesus tread over my heart ruin it for him while clinging to the promise that one day when I go home I will be healed, and there will be no more tears and no more pain.

  I plead with you Jesus to tread over me

Autism Heals

    I am a blessed mother of a 5 year old little girl who has Autism. But, I did not always feel so blessed. In-fact I have struggled deeply with being her mother. All the normal methods of parenting do not apply when you have a child with Autism. In fact it's a deep mystery that exposes every insecurity, sinful though and drives you to the end of your rope. Paisley, that's her name, was about 1 when we knew something was special about her. I was soon to find out that I was the mother of a special needs child. The stigmatism that I associated with that has been huge. The beliefs that this life was lost.

   When Paisley was 2 1/2 I took her to the park and realized that after therapy, speech she had made little to no progress. Not because her therapist were not good but because my daughter was in a world all her own and I was unable to enter. I was looking at my daughter who was in the corner of the kiddos play ground alone and reverted to a behavior we had worked on a year to stop. I was over come with despair, and disappointment. When suddenly I heard a whisper in my heart that said, "When will you see her the way I see her and not for where the world sees her?" It was in that moment that I began to except that she was perfect the way she was and that she didn't need to meet those mile stones, and from then on I decided to celebrate every word, eye contact, gesture, and hug because hers meant more than most.

    Now I have gone to wonderful groups for moms with children my daughters age to glean from them. I want to say out front that I think these groups are good and vital to mothers raising children, but this is written from the perspective of a mother of an autistic child.  The regular topics consisted of obedience, organization, listening, temper-tantrums, and sibling fighting, making quality time, teaching your children about Jesus. My issues have been self mutilation, smearing poop on the wall, pulling at her eye balls, many many many sleepless nights, hitting others, throwing objects for no known reason to me and hitting her head against the wall till blood spattered. I have never had time to teach her to share, or to have patience. Secretly in my head I was thinking. If only we could trade problems I would in a heart beat. I have felt so alone and with thoughts like: I should not be her mother, I should put her up for adoption, what would christians think of me if i did that, To putting my daughter in her room for her own safety to putting my self in my room for her safety and calling her father and telling him to call the police because I cannot be her mom anymore, to understanding why some women kill their children. Yes, these are the thoughts of a mother that is dealing with years and years of no answers and where the world around her is experiencing something so very different.

    How Autism is healing me is both beautiful and just astounding. Often you will here people say that children with Autism are incapable of empathy. That is not true. During this last year while caring our son that did move to heaven shortly after his birth, our daughters heart blossomed in a miraculous ways. She first noticed my tears and would touch them and think then taste them, then she started wiping them and putting them on her eyes and saying this is sad. For the first time I had a little girl that in the middle of the winter in my heart was like the sun of heaven and I knew she knew I was sad and that meant she could feel sadness to. She used to ask her baby brother to come to paisleys room to play, she was excited and when he was born it was as if everything she wanted she'd got. She held him, the little girl that has so often refused affection was giving affection. During this time we were having all the problems listed above. Something beautiful was happing to my daughter. Something that I had not seen before and it was here in a time where these wasn't really anything I could find to smile about. It was paisley that spread a smile across my face of despair at least once a day if not more, or she was curling up on my laps saying Jesus loves me too.

    I'v heard every diet plan, healthy option, and vitamin tips and trick to better behaviors through natural methods. Now some of these methods are legit, and those that are cost thousands of dollars a year and is not covered. So unless you are a millionaire it's not an option.  Yet I do all that I can and Paisley is die free, dairy free for the most part, but she is not gluten free because she is not allergic, and to tell you the truth, changing diet didn't change her behavior at all. I faced the social free and put my five year old on medication and with in a month she had stopped nearly above listed behaviors and I have a little girl who is expressing what I think has been waiting to get out. My daughter Paisley who has Autism is being used by God to heal my broken heart. I am the perfect mom for her, and I am glad that Paisley has autism. Because of this I will alway be her mommy, weather she is 10, 30 or 50. Because of Paisley I have more courage, boldness, and bravery to pursue my dreams. That way I can cheer her on into her dreams. She cannot accomplish her dreams unless I chase mine. Is it still hard? yes, and am I still unraveling this mystery no. It's not mine to unravel, but to enjoy. My daughter laughs now, speaks to me, hugs me and wipes my tears. She, dances with daddy and she sleeps with me sometimes. She sings everything to the tune of amazing grace and talks to her fairies about Jesus. My daughter with autism is transforming my life into the most beautiful experience.

He is making all things new.

The power of prayer

Not to long ago; my husband and I gave birth to a little boy who would move to heaven only 74 min after birth. As much as you can prepare your heart to shatter there is no logical practical solution in escaping the shock waves that rattle you to the core.
I was consumed with grief and I am still grieving, but the purpose of this blog is to share with you a secret I have found in the power of prayer.

Before the loss of our son, I had somewhere in my heart had decided that we had faced enough hardships in this life and our turn was over. As temping as these thoughts are they are simply no true. I mean after growing up in cult, and abused by my father and braking free from their control, I really felt then that was enough. But, when you loss a child it changes you and something moves into your heart in a way and grows like ivy and it chokes the life out of you. This is FEAR. Three months after my son passed away I placed myself in a job. I needed to keep busy very busy. The depression that comes when your child dies is overwhelming to put it lightly. And as long as I could keep busy then I was not able to be drowned in the assault of wave after wave of the kind of depression that causes you to plead for death.

Whenever I stop; and by stopping I mean putting my phone down turning off the computer, no book reading to keep knowledge pouring in. Just stopping and being my heart fills with fear and it feels as though an ocean of grief will wash over me and I start to have panic attacks. Tonight was just such a night. My husband and I trying desperately to fight for this hard place in our marriage decided that we would have time together and turn off and put away all distracting things. As we lay next to each-other my heart began to pound, and fear was right there to great me like an abusive companion and I cowered like a beaten down victim  and I began to cry. After my husband asses the situation and try to understand the logic of it all and to make some sort of sense he came to the conclusion that this was a God invitation of perfect proportion. And without hesitation he invited Jesus into our bed and into our thoughts. He came against the spirit of fear with the power of Jesus Christ and blessed our marriage. It was as if fear had been slapped and as quick as it had come over me it had retreated and I could breath again.

This isn't the first time Jesus has been invited into our bed and it will not be the last time. I just wanted you all to know that though I am week, and at times feel powerless over death I must cling to the truth that death has been defeated and the one who defeated it LOVES me. I just need to call out his name. Jesus

Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of God rule in your hearts