Life

~Life~

My eyes have seen your beauty

but burn with fresh falling tears

Cradle them so gently Lord

so that I know you are near

Hold this heart that fell apart

with mighty hands dear God

Switch this destiny my heart cries out

breathe on me breath of God

Bring to life to my shattered remains

till your glory shines through this pain

For what good is this story dear Lord

if the amazing does not come true

Shatter my unbelief so that again I may see

your overwhelming love pour out over me

YBY GLORIAZ

Love Loss And Hope

Love Loss And Hope

Waiting and watching the time pass and little bits of my baby's life come to a close I began to become angry. I watched in tears while the dreams of a deserving family come true on TV. I felt angry because my daughter was just a moment earlier expressing her frustration with the lack of provision. Her painfully unmet desire, as well as our desire to have a home and not have to move. I turned off the TV declaring almost shamefully that I did not want to watch this again. I went to my room and set stout and hard on my bed. Edward lay across the bed gently touching my knee and said I am listening. That was like the only door that needed to open and my words singed my mouth as I spoke of all that I gave to be here in this place and how up to that moment I had only experienced moments of relief. I gave my beloveds to come here for God, I would give them up again because I love him. I do not work because he has asked me not to, yet knowing that it would help us out, but we are not making it. I hope and give and believe, move and sing of all his goodness and here I am flushing bits and pieces of our baby down the toilet. For what I cried, for what? I want more then a moment of deliverance, I want complete freedom. Financial, health, children, relational, and community freedom not just bits of it. Where is this life to the full? because right now that life is being crushed out of me.

I could feel the spirit cringe and I knew that I had grieved him, this tore my heart. Was all his goodness not good enough for me? I layed down in exsaustion next to my husband and he so tenderly stroked my hair. I looked at his eyes and they were filled with fresh tears. I realized that this was not just happening to me but my husband was hurting as well. I embraced him but my arms were like a dry sponges I could not comfort him I sucked every bit of strength from him that he offered. 

Laying side by side tears filled and overflowed our eyes. My husband spoke and his words seemed to carry across the distances of fear, beckoning the warmth of his tender-words. My arms are not big enough. God is the only one I know that can hold this as tight as it needs. I do not know how to heal or relieve your broken heart. All I know my beloved bride is that God loves us more than we can understand and that his ways are not like ours. That although I do not understand the path that we are on, I am confident that the life that God has for us is worth this suffering. Lets give this to him our baby our broken hearts our sorrow our fear. It was as if our God gave my husband the strength to carry me across this bloodied battle field to the foot of the cross, laid me there with our sweet baby. He paved a way of prayer where I thanked God for the time with this life that he had given us. I asked for forgiveness for my anger because I really do love the Lord. I begged the Lord to scrape all the glory off this battle ground. We prayed for strength and courage to try again, but most of all to make us moveable with in his timing and purpose.

Through out the evening peace was restored in its most fragile state. Not in fear that it would not meet us in our need but for right now it was all that we needed. My bleeding began to slow and once again I began to fight for life. Because I had not fully miscarried yet, perhaps God was going to pull off something amazing. It was as though my heart began to take flight again. This morning I had a Dr. appointment. I felt hopeful almost as if it did not matter what she said I new that God was bigger than our understanding. She did not even test my blood or do a exam she told me that I was going to, if not already, miscarry. Not letting her poison faze me I agreed to come back in two weeks to see what happens. I was exhausted just going out sapped me of my energy I began thinking of yesterday I began to feel that my baby had gone to be with Jesus. Our youngest fell asleep and my oldest left for the day and I fell fast asleep. I woke with a pounding on my door. I slowly opened my door to see a jolly man standing there with a parcel of food. Trying to keep from fainting I shortly exclaimed that I did not order any food. He apologized and went away. I ran into the bathroom and there my baby came out. I stood over the toilet with tears in my eyes I could not flush. How can I separate from this pain how do I flush my flesh? Struggling deeply with how do I do this again, there was a pounding on the door. I quickly flushed out of shock or out of fear or even shame I am not sure but it startled me and as I reached the door I realized what I had done. All I wanted to do was fall to a heap on the floor. I opened the door and there was the same man apologizing to me because this food was a gift from a dear friend. I do not remember what words were exchanged if any. I called my friend to thank her but my voice was week and I could not talk. I felt like l was floating through life reactions of cause and effect. I called my husband and told him and he said he'd be home shortly. I sat at my computer to write but I could not write. My email was blinking and there in my inbox were 20+ messages of love. Saints and my beloved telling me how much God loves me and is with us and I was reduced to weeping.

My husband came home and we shared our sorrow and tears, but we were also able to share in hope and encourage each other. I am sad we are sad. I do not know how not to be sad but we are at peace. There is a relief that I did not have to have the strength do go through this alone, that though it is bitter, there is a refined sweetness in my marriage. We suffered together, we hoped together, we lost together, and together hope is restored. 

Emmanuel Jericho Bauerle

Conceived ~ May 19th 2011

 Home Free ~June 26th 2011

Waiting to be united with Daddy and Mommy

Big sisters Ambrose and Paisley

Release

~Release~

Without faith my hope is dead. It is as though faith gives validity to hope, that the hope that should come in the wake of faith is worth stepping into the unknown for. Hope gives in return this relational worship saying all the while that there is so much to have faith for. That hoping is what brings the core of courage  to move into the battle field of the heart and mind, and the faith of each step forward carry us up and through to the other side of victory. 

The couple days I wrote about my day. My heart ached with heavyness. Yet for the freedom of it I must write it out. The object of sharing such stories is to validate the truth that I am not the only one who has suffered loss. This is one of the ways Satan grips his claws in me is to get me thinking that I am alone. Then the enemy has got me curled up in a ball of fear I become prey of his legions because I am not moving my hands upward to grasp that ever so tight grip of Jesus Christ. It is that place that I must choose to stand risk the deeper threats of the enemy and stand with all my strength and reach with my hands lifted up and call on the name of Jesus. 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in ALL these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:35-37. The choice to allow there to be a switch in my destiny. I think about Ester being taken to be married to a king that wanted her for only her looks. Not long into there marriage she was left wanting and he was receiving from other woman. Then when she was faced with the fate of all her people she was asked to go before the king which could cost her very life. Mordecai reminds her that perhaps she was born for such a time as this. That her position and power was thrust on her because she was the one that could believer her people. She had this moment where she chose to go to her husband the king yet calling all of the jews to fast with her and for her people and there deliverance. 

Perhaps I was made to stand at such a time as this. Not that it feels good because I am sure Ester was not feeling to good about her situation but that it is necessary that we stand in faith that the hope we seek is worth far more than anything in this world. Could I have the ability to change my thinking in the most unlikely circumstance. Where David did in the psalms where he was in despair and In the midst of his breaking before God he was comforted. I want nothing of my old self, nothing of my fear and nothing of my doubt, but I will leave it all behind for the sake of freedom and stand naked before God where he will cloth me once again. Where I will receive a deeper purity and a deeper beauty revealed. 

That I can release life and receive life as it is given to me from God. That the moment it is realized that I have the courage to give back to the giver of life all the more in which he has already given me. The knowing that He knew us before we were conceived and he loved us. Before we were known as boy or girl He knew, before what we have done or not done, before what we do for a living or who our friends are.

~Emmanuel~ 

Oh what timing you seek

the mystery of your works 

Strengthen me my beloved Christ that I

may follow you deeper

Allowing me to feel life sweetest treasure

Not for my sake of gain here, but for the sake 

of treasured stored in heaven. 

So in this that I can let go of life given

and taken, for the beauty of your

Majesty. 

In this glorious release

cause me to exhale to be in rhythm

to the beat of your heart while

I lay this child at your feet

I Choose Now

~I Choose Now~

Today I received the news that it is most likely that I will miscarry this little baby. My heart feels as though it has been ran through with a knife. I had with out even knowing it put so much on the expectations on this little life.  This was my victory flag of healing, my flag of stomping out evil and his lies. Not even a week into my pregnancy and two ER visits later and I am being told not for sure but most likely your body will not carry this baby full term. 

Did I not hear from God? Did he not tell me to do this and to be venerable through it?  I swear I am and when and where did I go wrong in this process. I know that it is no ones fault that this is happing least of all mine or my husbands. It would be so much easier if there was someone to forgive, but there isn't. This morning I must have had to repeat my story of past miscarriages and abortions like 10 times everyone wanting to know what was wrong with me. Some which did not have anything to do with my health care. In and out of the waiting room we were put. Finally the last time on our way out to the waiting we were told that they the nurse would come and gather up and put an IV in me. My heart gathered a deeper sense of alertness. Were they going to perform a DNC. No I do not want to world to take my baby. My sense of attachment reeled through me and I began to crack and not hold my composer very well. 

In my silence I recalled my first abortion and the hardness of my heart and my dearly missed friend who took me there. The years will never erase those memories. Never will I forget the body of my baby placed in a tub and held in front of me with a woman asking me if I would like to hold my baby. The realization that I took this little babies life. Then pulling me out of my thoughts one of the 10 would enter into my room and ask me what was going on? After them leaving was like a heavy cold dark door slammed on my mind. Could that choice then made a difference now? How much different my life would be today. Oh I miss my children. 

The tears rolling down my face and my husband whispering in my ears the truths of life the truths of love and it was like opening a window. Where fresh light and hope piercing through the darkness. The truth that we are not finished yet and that God loves us deeply and this little baby. Trying to hold on to hope while feeling like a train of sorrow is raging through me. My heart cannot keep up, for every glimpse of hope there is a symphony of worldly reality. Needing desperately to hear the glory of his saint in battle. I turned in my bible where God told me once before that I would carry my daughters on my arms and my sons would come from afar.  And I ask, should I have waited was my mother right in saying that my body just was not meant for this. That I should let this go and adopt. In the moment of hearing this I reminded myself by saying to my mother, God told me too, and then I herd her ever so slight dismissal of it's relevance. I began to disqualify her once again from advising me. Was I wrong and if I was wrong in this how many other things have I been wrong in. 

On our way home not barely a word spoken. I herd my husband talking about his dislike of the hospital while I just did not care. The feeling that he was not bothered by what was going on raced by as quick as lighting but left behind ripples that slapped against my mind. In utter desperation that I couldn't fight another battle I had to ask him for shire releasing of my mind. I asked him why he did not seem to be affected as deeply as I am? His glorious answer shed light in my darkness. He said "because I do not have more then my desire to have a son riding on this pregnancy, where with you it is more than your desire it is a statement of freedom it is a belief. I remembered that this wasn't just happening to me, I just had more then he did riding on it. That fire was quickly stopped and we were able to cry together. We stopped at the store on our way home to get lunch supplies for the family and I found my self in puddles I was a wreck the tears would not stop coming and my heart feels like is has been wrung out over and over. On coming home I spoke with a beloved dear friend of mine whom I need not remain strong. I longed for the safety of my heart and my mind. Where the believers lines are strong and there is rest for the broken. In her tender words and wonderful voice her hope reached across the miles. Her light is simple and her hope is like fresh springs. We talked about choosing to celebrate life while we have. 

I slept in the arms of my husband who has held me and has remained strong through this whole process. I awoke to knowing that life must go on. For this night we are celebrating the advancement in our oldest daughter going in to high school. My eyes are still burning from the tears stinging my face. I just did not have the strength to appear strong for anyone. My tears are there feeling every slight disturbance. My daughter asked if I was going to be sad forever? That if I did not think about anything then I'd be just fine. I need to feel I said I need to process all of this. We came home and I spoke to my husband about how I am feeling on a spiritually shaken level. My faith is strong but my heart was shattered. In talking to him I realized I did not know how to celebrate life when the prof of death was emanate. I am afraid to get my hopes up for life like at the start of this pregnancy for the worlds reality to slam the door of hope over and over again. 

I began to realize that I will not understand. That if I have faith then it is worthless if not in movement. James 2:14 What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can his faith save him? I need the songs of my heart to make my voice ready for the battle calls of the believers to be louder then the enemies symphony. I need to choose what I will believe. The boarder-less God who lives outside the understanding of humanity as a whole. Not to hurt us, but to give us a life that set apart from him we will never have, or will I choose to believe in the things that I understand in a world where the symphony rages in my head?

I Choose Now

Taking The Offer And Living Desire

Taking The Offer And  Living Desire

We, my husband and I found out the we were expecting and our hearts were bursting with joy. We stopped at target the other day to pick up shoes for our 2 year old when I began to spot. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach, which began to sink into the depths of despair. This was a gift and I was venerable and did not keep it secret for in the surrendering of this outcome. My thoughts began to receive darting messages of, Why would God want to take the gift that he gave my husband on fathers day weekend? We came home quickly and we began to pray. Releasing the whole outcome of what could happen. The ache from past miscarriages set fresh on my delicate heart. I found myself trying to figure out what I had done wrong. It did not take long for me to slip into a familiar coat of shame. The reintroduction of a old lie that there is something profoundly wrong with me. The sicking truth is I had not miscarried I had just spotted and I was already assuming that this was all to good to be true.  The assault from the enemy is ruthless in his pursuit to shatter the heart and pervert the interpretation of the heart of God.

Our oldest daughter came quietly in the room and sat sadly on the edge of the bed. Her eyes filled with tears as she asked if the baby was going to die? I could not relieve her sadness for mines was on every unspoken word. We prayed together and with a heavy heart she walked quietly out of the room. 

With strength and tenderness my husband came in and offered redirection. Thank God!. Why are you allowing yourself to act like you have already lost our child? "He asked," How you act now could determine how this whole thing ends up. He was painfully right. There is a huge difference in releasing the have to of expectations and killing desire. 

How many of us desire something so badly and so purely that when we get it there is a remanent of disbelief. While I was in Target our enemy saw the fear fill my face and tears fall from my eyes and he new he had me. Nothing better for him to steal the joy we were experiencing as a family. With out even taking captive my thinking I believed the worst because I had said it earlier before we knew for sure. That if we were pregnant it would be to good to be true. Nothing like opening the door for the enemy.

The thing is that we desire so much and receive very little of what we think we desire. I longed for a family that loved me and saw me as something valuable. I did not know that the whole time God was trying to give me this awesome desire I fought him the entire way. Finally four years ago he gave not just me but my husband and children that greatest family in the world. "The Church" not just any church but he started with one glorious light in a small town in Duvall.

 

What about desiring to have a spiritual leader in your home. I know so many woman who have talked cried and wept for this desire to be filled. Yet I would say nearly most of those same woman will not let control go so that God can take control with their man. This desiring and not getting what we desire has so much to do with are we willing to get out of the way. 

A few years ago I was ranting on my husband about how he needed to lead me or I was going to have to do it myself. I constantly was asking him if he was spending time with God. Finally with righteous anger my husband told me bluntly to "butt out of the relationship between him and God". All I had done in that moment was kill any desire he had to spend time with God and he was more irritated and not only did he not want to spend time with God but time with me was out of the question. There is nothing like spending time with someone who does not think that you measure up. A wise woman and friend said once that to the depth and passion that we love our husbands is to the depth and passion that we love the Lord. I was convicted to say the least. How I behaved was not how I thought I loved God, yet it was how I treated the very man that he gave me to lead me, to fight for me, and to love me the way he loves me. 

I had to make a change. Would I be willing to let everything fall apart according to the order in which I believed I was managing? Would I not pick it up and let God and my husband pick it up? Would I be willing to trust God past my past experiences? Although up to this point I had never given up complete control so to say I had done it before is not true. What I am referring to in past experiences is when you are betrayed by the very people who have power over you. Father, Mother, older or more dominate brothers or sisters, and Pastors. Not to mention the relationships that we had before coming into our marriages. Would I let things fall apart and not respond to the red flags flying of "We all know where this leads". Would I let the flags crumble in the wind? 

This has not been an easy journey to say the least and I pickup control less and less. I do need to say that this journey of release has been more rewarding than I have words to write. Watching my husband lead and trusting his leadership has made him more desirable to me than ever before. He carries leadership with strength, where I unwillingly would admit that I struggled to carry. Our men were born to lead to fight and to fiercely defend. There is nothing better than watching this happen and never have I ever felt more beautiful and loved by the Lord. 

In the book "Desire" John talks about desire like this: "The time has come for us to stop playing chess with God over our lives. We cannot win, but we can delay the victory, dragging on the pain of grasping and the poison of possessing. There are two kinds of losses in life. The first is shared by all mankind the losses that come to us. Call them what you will, fate acts of God. The point is that we have no control over them. We don determine when, where, what, or even how. There is no predicting these losses; they happen to us. We choose only how we respond. The second kind is known only to the pilgrim. They are the losses that we choose. A chosen loss is different from repentance, when we give up something that was never ours to have. With a chosen loss, we place on the altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much. It is an act of consecration, where little by little or all at once, we give over our lives to the only One who can truly keep them. 

Spiritual surrender is not resignation. It is not choosing to care no longer. Jan a friend of John's describes, "It is a surrender with desire, or in desire." Desire is still present, felt welcomed even. But the will to secure is made subject to the divine will in an act of abandoned trust.

Will I surrender on the alter of Jesus Christ all the direction of my life fully trusting him past the planned outcome of my circumstance? To come boldly to the lover of my soul and ask in thanksgiving according to the desires which he has given, while all the while laying down the outcome and its timing. Moving to AZ and letting go of my beloved church has been one finger at a time. The offer of release has come in gentle laps of release. One finger at a time I have laid down at the alter my desperate need and longing to be seen and known for truly who I am with an abandon trust that God sees me and knows me and will lift me higher then the sparrows. It is not that I no longer desire my beloveds but it is coming to the realization that they we never just mine. My children are not just mine, nor is my marriage. Letting it all go, while my desires burning brighter than ever has been filled me with more glory that can only be described in holy worship!

In his hands

~In His Hands~

I was seventeen when I discovered that I was pregnant with my first child. The very idea of having a child shock me to the core. I was a mess emotionally. My daughter saved my life. She was born and she carried a part of me that I disliked. I am dyslectic and if you doubt it read all my other blogs! I was at best a high school drop out with the formal education of a third grader. I picked up a disney book to read to my daughter. But I could barely read the first page. When my daughter was about 4 I decided that I wanted to get help so that I could read her stories. I went to Everett Community Collage and tried to get my G.E.D. My reading what so atrocious that they provided me a privet tutor.  There in the small dinning room of my first apartment with my daughter I learned how to read write and comprehend. I never acquired my G. E. D. Math is ever worse for me. 

As time went on I realized that my daughter struggled with reading. She would memorize her stories in stead of reading them. Her journey through school has been less than desired. I wasn't repaired as a mother to battle for her education. I felt less qualified then a stranger when it came to the subject of her best interest. It was not till last year when my oldest was going into the eight grade that I felt God was asking me to home school her. By this time her self esteem has taken hit after hit and I saw for years the damage of humanity and dyslexia. 

Through the time of Amber's childhood I had two abortions and miscarried a few times. The beliefs that God overcame in me about what kind of person I am has taken years of tears and tender loving. My husband and I married in Dec of 2007 and God gave us a gift. 

In 2008 we gave birth to our second living child. Paisley she is nearly 3 and is so adorable. There were complications with my health during the pregnancy that caused the Dr. to induce labor. Baby Paisley had an allergic reaction to the medication and arrived through emergency C-cection. It seemed like a long time went by before I herd her cry and the tears rolled down my face with the thought that I had caused Paisley to die. 5 days in the NICU and the most stressful experience in my life.  Our whole goal was to bring our baby home. 

Paisley is healthy and living wonderfully but, little paisley has Autism.  She is just now starting to talk and for every new word it seems the sun shines so much brighter. It was about a year after Paisley was born that I miscarried again and my heart sank and it was shortly after that we realized that there was something special about our little darling Paisley. I struggled deeply because my husband is a brilliant man and I had never considered myself intelligent. It was only in the last year or so that I felt as though I had something to offer my daughters other than my shattered past. God began to work in my a new idea that perhaps I could offer my children an education. 

About 8 months ago my husband began talking to me about wanting more children. In my heart it began to churn some deep pain. In a almost plea I suggested that we adopt. He replied with alright someday but lets try to have another. I want a son from our marriage. Just before we moved to AZ we attended our last marriage study with our beloveds in Washington state. The experience of the delivery with Paisley came up. I believed that there was something wrong with me. That I could not bare children that would be considered intelligent by the world standards and I could not bare to see the crushing blows that the world has to offer others that carry a vastly different calling then them selves. I could not believe that depth of my belief. I did not deal with this deep rooted issue at that time because we were moving and I struggled deeply with leaving. What started to happen was I became fearful of becoming pregnant either of miscarriage or the I would have unbearable complications and deliver a child that would struggle it whole life. I began to put intimacy on the back burner. I do not remember making a conscience effort to do that it was as though I climbed into a shell and rarely brought my whole heart to my marriage. I became to busy and life became to hectic and slowly our marriage began to suffer. 

The enemy is sneaky in the way that he delivers blows. The conversation came up several times our intimacy being under attack and having children finally I said I do not want any more children. My husband in his passionate pursuit of my heart asked if it was because of my fear of how my child will turn out or if I was just ready to move on in life. He new it was for fear and so did I. On the cuff of our conversation I went on a retreat where I had decided that this was becoming an issue in our marriage. A marriage that God had ordained and blessed and provided. I did not feel united with my husband and I new it was because of me. With the determination to work through with God the damage I hit my knees in the stillness of my privet room. There I poured out my  heart to God in the early morning hours. That weekend I released all exceptions of what my children would end up like because of me. God spoke to me about my brilliance to him and the importance my children have in the kingdom of God. I was humbled and moved. 

Isaiah 49

See I have got you engraved in the palms of my hand

your walls are ever before me. 

I began to understand the the love of God for my children has his grip so tightly around them that they are engraved, embedded in the palms of his hands. In order for me to move into a direction of faith I needed to act accordingly. I wrote my husband a letter releasing myself and asked for his forgiveness. This was one and a half months ago and we are now expecting a new baby. My breath is taken by the grace that God has given us. There was no better time for new life to spring into our lives and God new this. I know that the plans God has for my children a vastly larger then any-other, but for today and tomorrow I will rejoice in the freedom of giving life. Although Satan deems to steal my desire my fierce God and husband fought for it and reclaimed it by the tight grip that my God has on me. 

Nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ.

A Shift in our Destiny

A Shift In Our Destiny

We had been living in the desert for nearly five months. Most of my things that I cherished were still packed away and the things that were unpacked were because my husband had unpacked them. It has been as if the letting go of the "how" my life was going to have a glorious pan out was being release from my tight fist one finger grip at a time. My amazing husband seeing that this vicious circle of grieving was not longer health graciously invited me into to bravery. We spent a couple of day unpacking and decorating. Now I know thats not along time but we really do not have much things. For most were sold before moving, but the things that we did keep had sentimental value. The slow thawing process for spring to move in can reveal things about how you carried your self in the midst of winter. Out of pure determination to move toward what God wanted me to do I had to release one more tight finger in my fist. My husband and I put up our bed and hung our wedding pictures on the walls and without realizing what was happening I began to cry for the release of my heart. It was as if I could breath a little easier. I was committing to staying on a heart level. It was as if Jesus was so gently gathering the peaces of my broken heart born out of an expectation of security through a family that was finally given. I cried not for my brokenness but that I had been refusing to see a new beauty that God had for me. 

We were have been struggling financially for a long time, but never as bad as we have sense we moved to the desert. We new that we were not going to have the money for rent as time went on. Every bit that we did have has been carefully and sparingly dulled out to put just a bit of food on the table and ration our electricity, while paying bits and peaces to keep water gas and the phones on. We were falling further and further behind. Mean while my daughter and I were talking about overcoming our fears. No better time then to bring up fear. I trust God, but I had little to no trust past the point of our needs and understanding. I began considering that we may not be able to make the rent. Never have we ever not payed our rent and just the thought of that caused my gut to wrench and twist in my heart. Just the very thought of being homeless caused my to dive into the depths of despair. Truly I was and had built a barracks out of fear. I had my grip so tight on control and what being in control looked like that it gave God little rum to move. I am not sure about you but, my God will not be contained! I tried! The thought came into my mind what will I do if God does not provide rent?__________. Then I asked well then what am I going to do?__________. After a series of question it came to well I am going to still serve him and give him everything I got. I had more peace but I was not complete by it. There is nothing natural or responsible about not paying for your rent. On the days leading closer and closer to the end of the month and the beginning I had to choose daily even momently to lay down my fear. I began to ask for prayer. Prayer is an awesome tool one that we must use daily and momently, but my prayers were circumstantial. God help my husband find a job that meets the needs of our family, God help us understand, God do you see what is going on, God please help my husband receive a bonus or a substantial raise.

A wonderful couple that both my husband and I had the pleasure of meeting at a silent auction for Living Water Retreat Center just a month earlier, Richard and Joan Webb became instant kindred spirits. Joan who is a speaker and writer and life coach in AZ asked me a question after I hand asked for her to pray. If money and education, circumstances were not an issue what would your husband want to do? I realized that moment that I ask a big God for small crumbs. That the God of all heaven and earth who made us who loves every bit and peace of us wants more then just crumbs. So I hit my knees and began to pray with my husband for the 11,000.00 for his education and the provision in between and after. I had forgotten all about the fact that in just a few days we were going to have to come up with over 1,000.00 and we did not have it nor a way to get it. Our prayers went from begging for the crumbs of a king to purposeful and power pack prayer. The following morning Kathe Wunningberge came by while the morning air still was light and rested easily in your lungs. Together while I was still in my PJ we fellow-shipped and drank coffee. Her words were like shade from the heat of the burning sun. She offered us a gift of some relief and it did. It kept the lights on for one more week and put dippers on my toddlers bottom. She prayed over me with words of comfort and ministered to my heart in remembering that we are not suffering this alone. I was beginning to be filled with peace and I wrapped my arms around it and held on for dear life. It was in this peace I could breath it was in this peace that my soul was quiet enough to hear God speak. There began to be a shift in our destiny. 

Before our destiny shifts something of a chiastic structure happens. Chiastic structure is an inverted parallelism. Where a phrase shifts and it cause it to mean something different. Like "Ask not what your county can do for you, ask what you can do for your country". In the same way Isaiah 53:2-5 where Jesus was described to not have and beauty or majesty to attract him to us. Nothing that we would desire him. Yet this being God in flesh King of King and Lord of Lords. God who is beautiful God who is full of righteousness made himself sin so that he could conquer sin in order we could be made righteous. 

The shift began to build when in both my husband and I had complete peace in a situation that we normally would be striving about. Where we normally would be franticly buzzing about trying to keep from imploding yet we were praising and thanking God. A dear friend of mine Desiree gave a some insight of when the process of silver is becoming pure. The silver get heated up and impurities come to the surface. The master gently removes the impurities, while watching all the while waiting for his perfect reflection.  This story brought a reason to our suffering. We began to invite God to turn up the heat if he must. There in nothing that we want to stand in the way of our relationship. Yet covered in complete peace because knowing that my Beloved God is the one watching and waiting to see his reflection in me means that He is with us the entire way. This peace is the pivot point. This reversal is not always where we expect it to be. In-fact most reversals happen in the middle of the night where the rest of the world is quiet and our soul begins to reveal the tapestry of the previous day. And, God of all heaven ascends on such a moment of these. 

We were shifting from the 1st of June to the 2nd and the rent was not payed. Paisley our daughter would not go to sleep. She was unusually restless. She finally gave up the fight about 1 am the second of June. Ever so carefully I began to tiptoe my way to bed. I came out of my room to check on her one more time when there was a pound on the door. My heart jumped into my through. Who in the world was coming to our house at 1:30 in the morning. I quickly woke up my husband. We went to the front door where I made a noise and an officer identified him self. We found out that our tires had been slashed by our neighbor. Edward half awake and me still freaked out by the pounding on our door made our way down the path to our SUV. All four tires were completely flat. While looking at the tires to see if the air was not just let our we noticed that my Husbands company vehicle had two flat tires in the back. We were discussing what to do next and I called the complex security so that an official report could be made. We began the long process of learning how it happened and gathering up our insurance information. A neighbor payed a 15 year old girl a beer if she would slash our tires. An 11 year old little girl was there with them partying and she became afraid and told her father. The father called 911. We figured out that they had done over a 1,000.00 dollars in damage between the two vehicles.  On top of that Edward was going to have to miss precious work. We came inside because there was nothing we could do now and about 3am the officer came in to let us know where we stand and the process that we should expect. The officer bless him was more angry with the situation than we were. I found myself trying to pick up his frustration but I could not. We were bothered but not to the point we normally would be. We found ourselves having understanding for the people that victimized us. We were saying things like "this is so sad", that 15 year old girl is getting the wrong impression of what life was intended and my neighbor is so broken that the only things she know is how to hurt others. 

We had compassion because we new that God was watching and we new that he would go to bad for us. That we would be alright but there trouble was just beginning, not that God was going after them but that he was allowing them to have things the way they wanted and that path always leads toward destruction. 

The following day a tow truck came and moved the work truck and found out that all four tires were slashed on his work truck, for a total of eight tires. While the tow truck was on its way I realized that I was out of drinking water. I called a near by friend Julie and she offered to come and help us get water. Upon her return with the water she informed me that she would love to purchase our tires. I was taken back. Her generosity filled my heart. It amazed me that she wanted to give so efforetlessly. We did not except this gift at the start because we wanted to know if our insurance would cover any of it before we took any gifts for this reason. As the day went on we discovered that both our insurance's did not cover vandalism. Yet all the while we had complete peace. We went and talked with the apartment complex to see if they could work with us on rent considering our circumstances. We were not successful in our attempts. I called Julie and said if the offer still stood we could use the help. Her response was it would be an honor! I received a phone call from another dear friend wanting to know how we were doing in regards to making rent and rent was the last thing on my mind. I was tired from just receiving a couple hours of sleep. I shared with her about this amazing peace that I had and how we were confident that God had all of this planned. She encouraged me further and We felt loved and supported. Early that evening after I was able to nap We were blessed by yet another kindred spirit who gave according to what God had called while completely unaware of our circumstances. Her sweet venerability was touching to my heart. 

As time went on I had forgotten to feed my family or even what to make for dinner. I was completely lost in the tides of love we were receiving. I received a call for my friend Diana and her husband Kelly Bowers. They may or may not be stopping by but wanted to let me know just in case. I was delighted and thought O someone to pray for us to encourage us again. Little did I know when they showed up they would be carrying bags and bags of groceries and dinner ready to just put into our oven. I was in tears, God had thought of everything. 

With the money given from we were just a few hundred short of making our rent. The quote that we received for our tires was a bit less than what we payed for the tires on the truck less than a year ago. We were more than pleased with how God came through for us. Later this same evening Frank a dear friend of our and the husband of Desiree stopped by and surprised us. I thought that he wanted to scope out the damage and offer manly support for my husband. This couple has been such a blessing to our family. It has been difficult to find that family inviting presents sense we moved here and they offered it to us so generously. There tenderness and venerability provided us a softer place to feel. They welcomed us into there family as one of them and my husband and I were deeply grateful. I ran to see if my beloved Desiree had come, but she was needed at home. Frank spoke to us with such tenderness. It was as if a Lion stood before me yet carried for a moment his heart so that I could see. He held out an offering that he and his wife took up from a few from our church. Here we were just a part of a body for just a little while and they were offering us a hand of hope. It humbled us to know that we had not build any trust and this family new family of ours was offering us there hand. It was enough and all that was needed. 

There is no other feeling worse than the one of hiding out. Our neighbor, she spends her days and nights in hiding. Guilty and wrenching in fear. It has been sad to know that the things she will face is so much more damaging then what we faced with 8 slashed tires. Delighted to the core that we were able to get in our truck and drive to church was a victory dance in its self. For I was bound and determined to get there even if we had to walk and I melted on the way. Walking in the ACC from our truck was like stomping on the neck of evil. We socked in every bit of it. During worship I felt like the Lord was reminding me that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers of this dark world. After service a darling woman Tamara whom I am just beginning to know handed me some money. I told her that we had all that was needed for us to pay rent, and get new tires as well as give back to the church. She said keep it. So I told her about how I felt like I was to remind my neighbor that even though God saw what she had done he still loved her. We used some of that money to reminder her. Doing this loving her in the place where then enemy wants to shred her was like dining at a feast with the Lord in the presents of my enemy whom will never ever partake in it glorious riches, aromas and taste. That this beast of lies and fear no longer had me in chains. My God was bigger and mighty is his name.

Our circumstances are still the same as in my husbands job, the shift is that we are bold in our walk and our confidence in Gods way is deepened. Peace that surpasses all understanding is what protects our souls from for this intense heat. We are more determined to walk with God no matter what the cost then ever before, because we love Him and He loves us...

The switch in destiny was when a routine sequence of events turned into a story worth telling...

~From my journal~

A Better Role

A Better Role

My husband and my self were taking a class at church to find out our gifting and the place for us to serve that would meet both our desires and the needs of our new church. The program it's self was interesting because of the process that we arrived through to discover our calling. It is a mans attempt at bestowing identity and it is respected as that, with the understanding that the heart behind the idea is good and pure. 

Both my husband and I were pretty confident in who we are before coming to ACC but the roles that we would play and the direction that we are to take is more a submitting to the holy spirits leading. This program is a plat form for us to do just that. To release the way we think God is leading to just following his leadership. It's a beautiful dance in the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord. 

The way the relationship between my husband and God, and God an myself is vastly different. With my husband if you'll picture with me and I believe this picture is quite accurate is God walks along side my husband giving him the inside scoop of what direction the men that are marching in to battle are going to take and where collaboration on the best plan of attack. 

As far as my self it is more like I am walking with God and my eyes are completely on him and that is where he wants them and I like wise.  God holds my hand in anticipation of showing me his glory. Then one amazing moment at a time he moves my gaze and shows me this amazing life, this amazing journey. Yet there are times where the path seems so narrow that its less wide then my feet and I know that we are in battle and the danger is high. I want in that moment to run to the end of that sean and God holds me still so that I can feel in the grip of his hands his fierce devotion.

Through this journey of ours. I have had a fear of being lost forgotten and alone. For most of my childhood that is what it was like although I was born in the middle of a family of nine kids. I was forgotten and unwanted and left to be devoured by the enemy. Because of this I have taken the leadership role in my life. That my happiness was just up to me and if I wanted to be wanted then it was up to me to make myself wanted and seen. In the last couple years I have been asked by the Lord to step more in the supporting role. Well, in truth he has been asking me a lot longer than a couple of years ago. I have not been entirely obedient. God in his mercy understands my fear but, because he loves me he will not let me live in this fear. 

A couple of years ago I was asked by the Lord to serve the mens and woman's ministries by cooking for them. O man I did not want to do that. I love them deeply and want to serve them, but I was terrified of being lost and forgotten in the kitchen. I kept having thoughts that I'd end up like my mother unhappy and silent within my own tears. The very though caused my heart to hurt and I realized that God was working something out in me. I decided that what this request had brought up in me I no longer wanted to own so I talked with the leader of the ministry and I was excepted with tremendous eagerness, which made me even more nervous. Under my voice I kept reminding God that he had told me once I choose to be obedient in this that he was not going to leave me alone in the kitchen.

I served for just about a year in this ministry before God called me out of it. Yet this ministry brought me tremendous joy. I was anything but lost or forgotten and God made sure of that. I was received and loved and encouraged. I had a wonderful time pouring my heart into some thing new and bringing something fresh and different to the men and woman of our home church. 

Now we are in a different place and God is asking us to step into roles that carry the same level of urgency for the growth and intimacy of our walk. My husband is stepping more into a leadership role and the idea of that made me so excited. I love who my husband is and will become through the power of Gods leading in his life. My position because of this calling is taking more of a supportive role. Once again I found my self worried that I would become the forgotten house wife with nothing more to talk about then the chatter of toddlers and the drama of teenage living. I began to become ambivalent about this. In one hand I want to follow my husband leadership and support and love him absolutely, but on the other hand I struggle with the idea of being Edward's wife Gloria the fear of being introduced as This is Edward Bauerle and oh yah his wife Gloria. I do not want to live in the shadows of a former calling a former glory.

Last week while driving alone I was talking to God about why I was feeling this anxiety over the supportive role. I love my husband and there is nothing I want more then to see him shine in his kingdom. To see him live out of his identity and calling to change the world with his strength and brilliance. God reminded me of the time I feared being in the kitchen. I new I was desperately terrified to be forgotten to blend in to the background. This was going to take a transformation of the mind. Why would the God of all heaven and earth who is passionately in love with me forget about me, have my light go out? While his very nature is to cause our light to shine. The very worship of his love for us depends on intimacy in relationship. This is the very reason that he created us. To walk in the Glory of God. 

The perception of mother hood and being a wife had to change. It has only been a year ago where I felt I had something to offer my daughters other than brokenness. It has been only three years sense I had began pursed the deepest heart of my husband from a place of freedom. I have a feeling the journey of the supportive role will be more fulling than any other ministry pursued. No greater gift next to salvation have I been given. Lord help me to handle this gift and transformation with your heart. How Lord do I call up and out greatness in my husband and in all my children? Lord how do I foster and environment of rich growth in the light of your Glory. To teach my children to hear your voice and to seek you in the early day? To walk with you and become warriors for you? 

A Few days ago my daughter saw this girl who has been bulling her for a while. My daughter was in the house next to her father and I. She dropped to her hands and knees and crawled out of the room and hid in panic. I realized that this was a perfect moment for her to realize her Ester anointing and rise above impossible circumstance. To teach her that she has the power to take what Satan uses to destroy her and change her world, her community. Currently we are getting ready to launch a bulling freedom rally in our community. Neither one of us have done this before but we are stepping through doors that God is opening. 

Gods grace is not given to us according to our fear,

Gods grace is given according to our need.

For is desire is to not feed the enemy of fear, but rather

Gods whole purpose of grace is to empower us to change the world.

Deuteronomy 33:29

Blessed are you O Israel, who is like you

a people saved by the Lord?.

He is your shield and helper and 

your glorious sword.

Your enemies will cower before you

and you will trample down their high places:

While reading this scripture the other night while praying over how to inspire my daughter to rise above her fear I realized a treasure. Our biggest question or at least mine is God you are so mighty why not just smite my enemies. Really God I don't mind, I know you can do! But what God is saying to me is that We are a people that is special set apart and loved by God. There is no one or nothing in the world that can separate us from the love of God. His love for us is so awesome he does not want to boost in his might through our suffering but rather he decided that he wants to use his power through us to stomp on the neck of evil. God's power is seen by the world when God used the weakest to trample down the strong. 

So will you choose to along with my daughter and my self let go of fear and lift your hands to God so the he can fill your hand with weapons so that we can trample down their high places. For our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers of darkness.

Starving for Water

Starving for Water

It has been said beliefs are as brittle as the dried up trees stripped of life in the desert. From afar they offer the promise of water in a weary land and you dig and dig finding nothing but crumbling roots and sand. Our hearts grow tire and soon it isn't water that we are longing for it is rest from the grueling sun. We as believers are dyeing thirst. What happened to the promise that if we drink from His cup we will thirst no more?

I have deprived my self of water before and have become extremely thirsty, but if I do not drink when my body tells me to then the sensors turn off the trigger of thirst.  This major thirst happens when you are exerting a lot of energy. It's when you pour yourself ice cold water your drinks are deep and they are refreshing. What if we had warm water in those moments and we just sipped even just wet our mouth would we be satisfied? The complainant christian is a warm water drinker. Not drinking to much a sip just here and there. 

Not long ago we moved to Az. We moved from washington state. There was a time about 7 years ago where we lived in the high foot hills of Stevens Pass. The water came from natural water springs. OML! The water is amazing, there is nothing I mean nothing sweeter than fresh cool crisp clean water. I had become what you would call a water snob. I could tell the difference of good water even when living in the city limits. The water here in AZ is nothing like I have had before. The drinking water is piped in from miles and miles away from most likely a good water source. By the time that it reaches my foist it has most likely made a several day journey in the hot hot sun, gone through a few processing plants to make it drinkable again, where a 1/3 of your daily salt amount is added to make is soft water a few other things to mask pollutants that it has gathered along the way and then bam, I have the sickest water ever. 

This is much like most believers walks with God. You have a divine God moment and they'll feed off that moment for years having no new experiences or growth with God. Then one day it's realized that you have been a believer for 20 years and have no idea who you are, or why you are even hear. You've sustain so many wounds you began to question if God ever, wanted you, loved you or purposed you for anything worth while. Somewhere in all of this you began to feel like a random Israelite. Wondering through a endless deserts and grave yards of desires unmet. We are dyeing of thirst.

John Eldredge tells the story in his book the The Journey of Desire, of the sea lion that has lost its way in the desert. It's shares the depth of our being deceived. The sea lion is resting in the cool ocean tides under the fresh morning sun. Along comes a turtle who tells the sea lion that he knows of a better place. The sea lion is convinced by the turtle that there is something better out there and he follows the turtle out of the water and away from the sea. Every so often there would be a breeze off the ocean that would bring fond memories of the sea and days swimming with his friends in the ocean eating and drinking. The sea lion begins to become thirsty and tells the turtle that he should have some water. The turtle tells the sea lion that it is just a little ways off. Soon the days turned into weeks and the weeks took him far away from the sea. The smell of the sea became less and less. Then one day when the sea lion way barely able to move the turtle shows the sea lion a place to refresh. There in the near distance is a rock and a pool of water and a bit of shade offered by a tree. The sea lion jumped into the water and sank into the warm murky watering whole. But because the sea lion was famished from his long journey he felt that the journey home would be to much and so he decided to stay. Every once in a great while the sea lion could swore that he could smell the sea, but the sea was hundreds of miles away. After years of being alone in the desert and scorched from the sun the sea lion has a visitor from the sea who is stopping on the way to a journey. The visitor begins to tell the sea lion stories of the sea. The sea lion begins to remember how happy he was and de decides to go home. The turtle come by and see that the sea lion is leaving and the whole journey home the turtle is trying to convince the sea lion that he cannot handle the ocean that no one will know him for he no longer is a sea lion. 

This is not the word for word as the story is written, but the same message. How many of us have an experience with God and then along comes his most hated enemy who makes everything that is worldly seems so much more convenient alluring and fulfilling. We fall for it, maybe its as simple as grabbing an ice cream cone to feel better, or being to tired to read the bible and study so you turn on the news and watch TV for the next few hours. How about finding it easier to not work through a issue with your teenager and letting them disappear into there rooms just one night at a time. It is a slow fade. One step in the wrong direction at a time. 

I was feeling the dryness of the desert and was crying out to God. Wondering have we made a mistake. Are we being allured into the desert? I opened my bible to Isaiah 27 where Isaiah is talking about the deliverance of Israel. 

By warfare and exile you contend with her

with his fierce blast he drives her out, 

as on a day the east wind blows.

 By this, then, will Jacob's guilt be atoned for

and this will be the full fruitage of the removal of his sin

When he makes all the alter stones to be like chalk stones

crushed to pieces. No asherah poles or incense altars

will be left standing.  The fortified city stands desolate, 

an abandoned settlement, forsaken; like the desert. 

There the calves graze, there they lie down; they strip its branches bare.

 When its twigs are dry, they are broken off and the women 

come and make fires with them; for this is a people with out understanding,

It made me think of the dryness of church and battle for men to be the image of strength and not passivity in the church. It's hard to find a good handshake or even a deep conversation. The woman devour control as if its there only life line. I my self have struggled with control and the more I walk with God the role I desire to be in is not the front seat position, but rather a fierce devotion to the leadership with in my husband. The more he comes alive in who he is the more I discover that my love and beauty holds more power and influence in the advancement of the kingdom through the strength of my husband and the tenderness and venerability of my heart. No longer would I, we need to strip the desert for life or graze our calfs ( children and congregation )on the remnants of life in the desert. But, we could with stand the heat to tell stories of the sea. Out of our hearts would flow fresh water. The path of our hands and feet would bring worship and praise and glory to the Lord Jesus Christ our king! Will be be willing to drink deeply daily going where ever God is moving wether it be the past or the unknown? Will we loose our life to find it so that we will thirst for the worlds water no more?

Showing the world

Why it was important for me to be baptized!

It is the order of things. An out word expression that I will submerge all of me in God and his plan for me and the life that he has given me holding nothing back. PUBLICLY 

I became a christine when I was 12. The first words that I herd from my father was I tried that and it does not work. Looking back this was when the spiritual battle became visual and I was unprepared. 

The assault picked up a 100 fold. Satan would gladly loose my soul for eternity and make me ineffective for the Kingdom of God.  If he would make me ineffective then what kind of message would that bring? This is what the battle became about. How would I loose my heart. Would I loose it to the heaviness and pain. The feeling of hopelessness and the experience of loss and shame.  The experience of betrayal by one that God says to trust. 

Or would I give it away, give it to God to work in me a desire that had been tarnished and a love that cannot be quenched. The ability to wild a sword and fight with the power that Jesus him self has. And to love deeper and to live life and find the Joy and peace that comes only from Jesus. This would do far greater damage to the king of sin Satan. 

So today and every day after I say yes God. I want to trust like you, I want to love like you. I want the world to see that I want my life to be like you. That there is nothing that I will with hold from God, not my will, not my money, not my pain, not my desire, not my sin, not my anger, not my love, not my life.