Crows Nest

I lay on my bed curled up and crying out to God about the direction the evening took with my husband. My heart felt etiolated by enemy fire. I am at the mercy of everyone and suddenly became completely aware that I was not enough and that what ever I bring to life falls tremendously short and the one person I needed to arrive on the battle field came dressed for dinner not war. I have nothing to bring other than me and me is not enough. And so I cried out to the Lord. 

A few months ago words were spoken over our marriage that were profound. Our marriage was a ship out to sea. I was in the crows nest and my husband at the helm with the Lord. God has given me the gift of seeing the unseen, yet me seeing is just seeing and does not control the direction that is taken. Although I can see what otherwise is somewhat hidden to some, my attitude and beliefs keep me from seeing the whole picture. So often I see the storm coming and I find myself pleading that my husband take us in a different direction. It was that way when we started going to church, that way again when we moved to AZ, and several times in between and after. 

The other night I was consumed by the storm that was raging all around me and was rendered prisoner to despair. Despair is a interesting word; its meaning in purest form is nothing other than to turn your back on God. I was unable to see where God was taking me in the midst of the storm because of my despairing thinking. 

If God has given me the gift to see, then seeing would mean all that His will desires. I know that the desire of my God is goodness, and therefor would want me to see His goodness too. To see the hope on the other side of the storm. To see it all the bigger picture, the war, His beauty, His glory, and with that sin and the death it brings and the depravity it carries. If I can hear God in 10 different ways then could I also see him in those same ways too? I think so.

So I uncurled my self and reclaimed my place on the battle field declaring that I was never going to be enough for my marriage, friendships, ministry, and then found my peace in knowing that God is enough in me. I picked up my sword and God silenced the enemy.  I faced what would have taken me out for days and dusted myself off, and advanced on our enemy with the power of the word.