On His Wings

On His Wings

Have you ever spent time watching eagles? Coming from Washington where the eagle is a common site, they are anything but common. An eagle will build her nest at the highest point to get the best view of the land scape. She will endure weather in extremes to ensure that her young will hatch.  When babies eagles are born she will stay with them making sure that they are warm and comfortable. The male eagle goes hunting often to feed the family. When the babies are old enough the female will leave the nest for moments of much needed time. When the young eagles get older and began to pier over the edge of their nest the female eagle will shake the nest. This causes fear, her chicks hunker down in the nest and she will comfort them. This begins the growing pains of leaving the nest. Ever so often the female begins to shake the nest, becoming more and more frequent till she shakes them, picks them up and drops them from her nest. Her babies will fall and she will catch them in her talons and bring them back to her nest. This happens sporadically at first then more and more often till it is happening several times a day. Through this they begin to fly. While the young eagles are flying the female eagles fly under them so that if there wings give out she will catch them. Her investment is high and her reward to the eagle pride is huge. 

Job 39:27 Or is it at your order that an eagle flies upward And that it builds its nest high up,

I write this because it has reminded me of my relationship with God on so many levels. The beginning of my walk with God was spent in the nest. Receiving food, comfort, warmth, love and healing. You may ask, "healing from what"? I would have to tell you from the journey before you were surrendered, the one where our enemy ravaged your heart and shredded your identity. 

After I began to get comfortable in my home I began to peer over the edge of the nest wanting more from life then what was in the nest. 

Deuteronomy 32:11 Just as an eagle stirs up its nest, hovers over its fledglings, Spreads out its wings, takes them, carries them on its pinions.

So little by little God began to shake things up. Things in my relationships that worked before stopped working. I began to struggle with things like leadership. From there I became fearful and I wanted to hide, but the thought of staying in the nest was suffocating me. God had awaked a desire in me for more, for deeper life. Life to the full. Searching for freedom and trying to do so with out falling, I began to seek less dangerous avenues for my release. There the Lord began to shake things more and more. In my marriage things began to change. My husband lost his job and we were up to our eyes in debt. Yet, God provided this to happen in a safe place where our marriage would be fought for. God provided Dave Ramsey and we began to get our footing. Then God shook the nest again and we had to move and within a couple of frightful days my husband landed a job and we found a place to live, but did not have money to move. Then again God provided. We moved into a wonderful place and within a month our truck broke down. We asked God to help us and believed that he would and he did. There we found another moment of rest, but just a moment. 

It was right after we were called to AZ that the shaking of our nest was happening on a frequent bases. There are so many preconceived ideas that we make of God in those moments. The truth of how we think about the heart of God begins to be tested. The enemy sees this as prim opportunity to speak to your circumstances as proof of his love instead of seeing it as training for flight. At this point knowing who your enemy is, is essential to the success of your flight. The enemy is ruthless in his attacks.

1 Peter 5:8

Be of sound mind. Your enemy the devil

prowls around like a roaring lion

seeking someone he can devour

Getting to AZ was more like being taken from the nest and free falling from great heights. It has been one fall after another with less breaks in between. From financial crash to vandalism of our personal and work vehicles to a miscarriage and now our oldest daughter getting in touch with her biological father, to being within days of eviction. The trials of learning to fly seem more than one heart can bare. Yet just before utter disaster my God has reached down with his might hand and snatched us out of our distress and set us up high in his presence. 

Obadiah 4

If you should make your position high like the eagle, 

or if among the stars there were a placing 

of your nest down from there

I would bring you," is the utterance of Jehovah

It is in the flight that we are learning to only rely on God for our all. For the win, for our strength, for our training, for our redemption and for his passionate pursuit of us learning to fly with him. Never have I ever known of any other God who love me so much so that he believed that I could fly while I was being ravaged by my enemy in the pit of complete and utter darkness.

Isaiah 45

Declare what is to be, present it

let them take counsel together.

Who foretold this long ago,

Who declared it from the distant past?

Was it not I. the Lord?

And there is no God apart from me,

a righteous God and a Savior

there is none but me.

Jeremiah 31

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to release from darkness the prisoners

To proclaim the year of the Lords favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

To comfort all who morn,

And provide for those who grieve in Zion

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes

The oil of joy instead of mourning

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

For the display of his splendor.

Being Created

Being Created

I have found myself in the position of being offended by corrective criticism. I mean, really who wants that? I have been called into ( what I call the principles office ) more times then I can count. Most all in which has been for my heart. Yet each time wether I have a point that needs to be made on a specific topic or not, God usually keeps me humbled and shares a lesson for me. I am finding that God will not stop for any reason to set my heart free. He will use anyone and any thing to get me to understand that he is passionately after me.

I have never ever thought of my self as spiritual. It has only been in the last couple years that I have felt that I had more to offer my children then brokenness and pain. I have known that I am a leader but a leader that really has not wanted to be the main leader of anything that had to do with helping people. I just fear making mistakes and leading them astray. I could not bare the shame of misrepresenting God to the masses. I have seen more of my fare share of interesting perspectives of who people have figured out God to be through interpretations of theology. I firmly believe that God has me on a journey of self discovery and who he is in those experiences. 

Until I was about 27 I only understood God to be what others had said but mostly the way that I experienced him in my own life.  I do not believe I am to far off in stating that most people view God by how they experience him. This can be both heart wrenching and redeeming. The God I know cannot be described through theology. The God I know can only be known through personal experience. In the beginning of my walk with God I was undone. It was like God needed to strip me of my old thinking, old identity and build me up the way he had designed from the start. One of my analogies that is in my swing study describes this like a spool of thread.  When we come to Jesus we are spun with all kinds of experiences, beliefs, memories, failures and successes, heart ache and love. It is through that we measure what is right and good and fair. But, God in his amazing heart for us says NO. That is not your measuring line, I am and he begins to unspool us. It is only after we are willing to be completely undone can he begin to rebuild the core of who we are. In the process of being undone I have lost parts of me. Not that they were a pure, true representation of who I am, I had to let them go so that those things could be restored. If I could explain it better. Its like going from broken relationship to broken relationship expecting different results. The desire for relationship is good, just the process in how you get there and what it is built on needs changing. That is me. 

God has taken me, healed me, restored my heart, now he is wanting to work on the other parts of me that I had lost along the way. I am encouraged by Phil 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. The way that God speaks to our hearts through any means if we chose to listen will dramatically change the life we life for him and with him. To know him personally is far more valuable in it riches then to know about him. One of the newest parts of me he is building is understanding him through unthinkable circumstances, revolution in to his mysterious ways. His divine finger prints are on every part of me and he is revealing a his glorious plan.

Jeremiah 9

Thus says the Lord: "Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom,

Let not the mighty man glory in his might

Nor let the rich man glory in his riches;

But let him who glories in this,

That he understands and knows Me,

That I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness

Judgment, and righteousness in the earth

For in these I delight," says the Lord

Jeremiah 24

"Then I will give them a heart to know me,

That I am the Lord

And they will be My people

And I will be their God

For they shall return to Me with their whole heart. 

Finding It

Finding It

When I came to the place in my life where I was fully committed to being more than a fan of Jesus, but rather a follower, I had decided that there was nothing in this life worth keeping if it meant separation between Jesus and me. Isn't that so typical? We think we have tried everything else out for our life and it doesn't work and more times than not we choose Jesus last. I was much the same. 

So thus began my journey. I felt more like clay being pounded. I had to choose between my biological family and Jesus and at the time that was my whole life. Choosing to let them go for the sake of the cross was losing my life to find it. 

Yet, like most things as I walk with God my interpretation changes some. Later in my walk with God I came to a place in my walk with God where he was asking me to set my way of doing things down and surrender to my husband and my church leaders. This transition also felt like loosing my life. I had become so accustom to taking care of my self and trusting no one for the sake of my well being and with my relational heart that it felt like I was risking it all again. While battling the complications of leadership and submission, I came to the cross roads in church while our pastor was speaking and God asked me to get on my knees. Anyone who knows me I have been a front row girl. I want to be as close to God as I can get. So when He "God" asked me to kneel I said, but God in front of everyone and there is not a worship song playing? Do it know he said with the most stern voice I have herd him use. In that moment I choose to lose my life for the sake of the cross. 

Recently this has taken on a new form that has caused my eyes to open. I was at a worship performance and just struggling to finish what God has called me to do. Feeling the wait of the enemy, his spirit of exhaustion, isolation, desperation, the last thing I wanted to do was be present for others who I know would not feed this aching need for fresh water. I was standing and praying for Jesus to just pour out his Holy Spirit. Now normally in fact every other time I have stayed in that prayer till I could feel his spirit on me. This time I did not. I could feel my heart hard and it scared me. I asked myself " Has my heart become so detached that I cannot wait for His Spirit to come before I become distracted"?  Then it hit me, I was willing to lose my life up until a certain point. My heart was so guarded and hurting that I was unwilling to give of my whole heart for the sake of not being hurt any more. I was actually considering setting my wants and needs as well as understanding of the process above Gods call on my life. I was floored and tears filled my eyes. I was holding out on God I was for fear of dyeing inside holding onto what I have know previously as life to the full. On the way home I knew that I had to make another decision to lose my life to find it. Upon coming home I could feel the enemy slither in as I opened the door and I knew that this was the time. Will I hold my ground and lose my life, or will I buy a spot in the phew and become church mice. Our family hit our knees together and thanked the Lord for his mercy and wisdom, and there we choose as a family to once again lose our life to find it. 

It's so complicated, the letting go process. The letting go of everything that make sense for the wild ride of following the holy spirit. It is our thinking that is so small. Matt 16:25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. We hold on to what ever we think is the only way to finding life and in the process we lose track of our position in the greater story. I first thought that letting go of my family was the hardest thing ever, but no not at all. Letting go of my gift from God was much much harder, this time letting go of the control of how to manage my walk with God seems to be a whole other level. You know that song that says " I feel like I am just one step away from you leaving me this way is how I have been walking thus far". The sad thing is that walking like that is not freedom. He said I will never leave you nor forsake you. My heart in his hand will not grow hard, my heart in his hands will not grow weary. Matt 11:29-30 Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Don Schwager said it perfectly 

"Lord, inflame my heart with love for you for your ways

and help me to exchange the yoke of rebellion for the yoke of submission to your holy and loving word.

Set me free from the folly of my own sinful ignorance and 

rebellious pride that I may wholly desire what is goo and in accord

with your will."

Lord let my heart be humble and forgive me of unfaithfulness to your heart. You my God are all the life there is and apart from your there is none. Forgive me and find favor, I am surrendered to your plan for my life and declare that your knowing is good.

I love you my beloved Lord my awesome God...

A New Creation

Wow! God you take my breath away. Your playground is big and your shoulders are wide. You have allowed me to freely choose other things than you, and with a gated watch you've seen me fall. Lord my anger gnashed at you like frost bite while your whispers sang I love you. Lord my God your heart is being etched on my shattered remains. O my lover my God in your mercy my cries have captured your gaze and you covered my shame by your crimson robes. There you gathered me to you to wipe my ash stained face. You dress me Lord in suites of salvation and robes of righteousness. You touched my face and placed a royal crown on my heart, while telling me stories of forgiveness. 

   There I lay naked and cold on the damp prison floor. Where ash tears stained my face. Years of betrayal and genocide on my heart had crippled my word in which I could not speak. Cringing in agony while watching the moon filter in my cold cell floors I glanced with one last drop of hope. Then I froze with quick terror my door opened where no one had been in here. Could this be the end of my life, the end of this prison inside? I could not see the face, but what I felt for sure. This person had not been here before. In graceful movement ever so close this figure moved like that of a man. I berried my face in my hands, I could not let him see this hideousness of shame that expand. Ever so gently his words pieced my cry, and with silence I held my breath inside, please just take me for I am not alive. 

Ever so gently his hand touched my hair as he said what beauty is this none can compare. My soul escaped and betrayed my stifled cry and moved in harmony of this new hand on my thigh. It had been so long sense before anyone wanted to touch me let alone call me adored. I was washed in warmth of he who entered my cell door. Carefully he sat me up to see with my eyes close tight he touched my hands and feet. Chains of heaviness lay waste at my side, and it was then that I opened my eyes. I could not see but the shackles that lay waste at my feet, then I thought who is this to free me? His hand so gently cupped my face more tears began to fall on my already ash stained face. Oh my bride he said in time I have come that you would have life. There he lifted me to stand and washed me clean from the filth of man. So softly and gently he said look and see do not be afraid for you are the beauty of me. There I stood and seen in the mirror that be, there it shown something I had never seen. My gowns are white garments of grace, where shoes of peace replaced my shackles an chains. My face reflected the royal jewels. A crown he did place of my cascading hair of forgiveness for those who put me here. On my hand he place a ring to be his bride. It was then he said you are mine for life. He carried me out of this prison of mine and set me next to him as he read my birth right. For all the world to hear this is what he said:

This is my Glorious delight

this is my beauty at my side

I have called and choose her to be

adopted and apart of my royal family

I redeemed her, your claim no longer stands

She is apart of heavens bigger plan

Long before the earth was made 

I predestined her to be this way

She's my beloved and I am hers

no longer will your words hold power over hers

I set her free forever to be, never will you

keep her from me

This was it was for me on my wedding day

. Gloria ,

Beautiful Lord

Beautiful Lord

Lord, when I start to write about your love it's magnificence over takes the depths of my mind. My mind cannot grasp how wide your love is for me.

You've captured my heart,

dear friend

You looked at me, and I

was hopelessly

in love

How beautiful your love,

dear,dear friend

far more pleasing than a 

fine, rare wine.

Song of Songs Message 4:8-10

Just the very idea that the God of all being, who with one breath spoke all the creation into existence loves me. There isn't a thing in which I have done to win his full affection. He made me and fell in love. Gen:2 says even the place he created for me before I was born was laced with fine gold and resin thats aromatic. Where four streams of living water flowed through. Later he made beauty with one touch, he created the crescendo of all his creation from flesh, there in the most beautiful place the only suitable place for the beauty of God to take on flesh form. He made woman the giver of life and who sustains it. 

Oh my God my lover in you is my strength and in you is all my hope. I cannot help but let my heart wonder to the places I have taken it, while with complete knowledge that you knew I'd take it there, and still you say it is with one glance and it takes your breath away.  And, you say with honey lips~

Come and look, sisters

in Jerusalem

Oh, sisters of Zion, don't

miss this

My king love, dressed and 

garlanded for his wedding 

his heart is full

bursting with joy

Song of Song 5

To know that my God is bursting with Joy and that I "me" affect his heart. How much more personal does this get. Even in all his power all his Lordship he chooses to allow me to have access to his heart . Wow!  him feeling deeply matters. So many times I have herd get over it, your making to big a-deal out of it. I will confess I have at times, but when you feel deep pain and sorrow of the heart  this feeling of being crushed in spirit is the same that which my God King Lover risk feeling and has so that he could win my heart.

Take me dear Lord my Groom my prize. You Lord I have done nothing in service to earn your affection.

Shell we start again my

blessed redeemer, my awesome God

you took me back to a little

girl where we had our first date

Still you court me with banquets of roses

Lord though I have crushed 

your heart, you turned my heart

into acres of hope

Cover me God with your royal robes

carry me on your shoulders

Your hand gives me hope

Your lips feed me life.

Y From my love journal Z

More Than Mere Sheep

More Then Mere Sheep

My relationship with God echos something deeper then just one of his sheep, even deeper than a servant. When God speaks to me he talks to me with tenderness and passion, as if he is revealing the most tender part of his heart. Everything that I know about the heart of God "although it is not much, the joy of being in love means I have the rest of my life to discover who he is". Simple truths, that his heart for us is profoundly good, not only because of his sacrifice and the way that it happened, but because of who he was when he came as a man. Knowing who Jesus is has everything to do with how we talk about him. If you read scripture as a way of information about how we are to conduct our living and Jesus as the example it leaves little room for the heart of humanity. When I talk about my friend I cannot describe her like an instruction manual. A respected pastor said If you were to try and describe a  what a kiss is as two vestibule oris touching while exchanging bodily digestive fluid, anyone who has been kissed knows that although that may be the technical term of a kiss, that is not a kiss. The same is how we talk about God. So often we here the messages delivered in such a way that removes the humanity of God. We get lost in the words and there greek or spiritual meaning. So much of what I know of him is how I have experienced him, like I experience romance, or friendship, even comfort from a friend, and discipline from my husband.

My relationship with God has been ascending in a direction of intimacy. When I first surrendered my heart, my life to him I was so broken it was as if the potters hand rested sovereign on me shaping me into who more then lump clay. It was as though I was pounded till I broke and became moldable by the most tender hands. Then my relationship moved from the calling me to be more. Where I became completely dependent on him providing me with protection, food. I am the sheep he is the shepherded. Yet although we are moving upward in relationship because before I was being shaped it lacks tremendously. I, as a sheep am completely reliant unable to give back to the heart of God that which he made me to be, there is no interplay of giving and receiving. 

The relationship moved still in a upward climb and I became servant. This is unfortunately where most christens stop the climb. We become experts in efficiency, we become busy crossing off our to do list. We expand the mind in terms and debate interpretations of scripture. We strive to serve do more in less time and we began to study the mind of God and his heart is still missing for the equation. Although at this point I am no-longer inhuman in its metaphor. But it falls a far cry to short of the father relationship. 

God as my father has been the most transforming of places for me. I did not have a father that was good to me so my understanding was so warped. But if I look at it like this, my children get the best part of me. When I have money I pour it into them, when my oldest shares a desire with me I do my best to get that for her, I want them to have the best of me. If I had credit cards I would give it to her so that she could go shopping, but I am totally different with an employee / coworker. Sometimes I will get them flowers or even cards, maybe even occasionally use words of endearment, but that is the pretty much the extent of it. Having God show up as a father is the most healing for my heart, for my story and God knew that. So many times I have said Father I am in need please provide and he has never not provided. The love from him in understanding that there is nothing  Nothing that I will ever do that can separate his love from me. Fathering is where we move that he loves us from our head to our heart.

Then there is a transition to friend. This is interesting because when my daughter was younger it was all about me providing. Although she filled my heart to where she could but it really was a one sided relationship. As she gets older we share struggles and walk with God through them. Our relationship is deeper and richer because there is the divine interplay of relational worship. Thus is the heart of God. Where he calls us to come with him not because he needs us but for the sole purpose of wanting to hang out with us. For me this friendship has been the most satisfying in many ways. He has called me up to do things I never would just to face my fear with me while he is my biggest cheer leader. This is the place where God personality comes out like a good friend in which you joke around with, carry the inside joke and have your secrets. 

But, the romance of God that simply takes your breath away. The way that it can be completely freezing outside and the sun comes through the clouds and warms your back only as though the Lord himself has wrapped his royal robe around you, or the way that God has made the ocean waves not to high or to small so that we could stand in them, or how he has hung the moon, or the way the sun kisses the night with the morning rise. What about the way the light filters through the trees as if to light a mystic path. The enchantment and mystery of my lover God mystifies me.

This relationship is vastly missed. I wonder what God thinks of how we interpret his heart and worse how much of his heart we leave out. I wonder how you would feel if your child described you the way that we describe God, or if your husbands / wives pursue your heart the way that you pursue the heart of God. Sadly this is so common that is why divorce rates are so high. There is so much to God to be discovered beyond the although correct description, servant master. It is in the discovery of his heart that we become filled with life and out of that life we pour out.

God is passionately in love with you as thought you were his only creation! How do you picture Jesus in your life in your experiences where is he and what does he think about you, about your heart?

Crescrndo

Crescendo

It is as if his heart longed for beauty beyond heaven and earth. 

The light he made was not enough though quaked through the darkness

 and divided the night. 

Gods heart swelled with all that it could be 

so he created a place, there it is as if God began to dream. 

Searching the longing of his own purposed plan 

God created the water and around the earth it span. 

This is so beautiful his thoughts did take 

and he place the moon in the perfect place. 

His heart sang hight as if it would beat through the sky, 

so he made earth spring forth with life. 

God toughed every seed for in them he breathed , 

there the garden began to spring. 

This place is perfect for her you see, 

but we are not ready for her grand entry.

 God walked out in the wild of the night 

and crushed the stones there he created life. 

He place in him his strength and power. 

Crowned him in splendor and covered him with desire. 

God put in him his character and valor, 

placed the man over it all in splendor. 

There had to be something so strong and endowed 

to hand this beauty that God was bringing down. 

God placed on man a name of Adam, 

there they walk and talked in the garden. 

The time was drawing near so God gave Adam 

all the beauty of the earth for his care, 

From his gift he gave wild beast that echoed a dangerous beauty 

that someday would stand at his feet. 

Adam loved them and noticed in time that everything on earth 

could spring forth with life. 

His heart began to come alive 

from where God had covered him with desire. 

Adam slept with peace, for here God formed her into being. 

Finally for all that he had made 

this beauty from flesh was coming today. 

He formed in her beauty, wisdom and insight, 

God touched her and she was filled with life.  

She opened her eyes and her flesh was formed 

and before God she stood and there he adored. 

Like a prism all of heaven rejoiced,

It was all for a reason 

beauty was created was for Eves enchanted being.

Her beauty was with out blemish

 and God dancing in delight

the perfect crescendo of man and woman 

to emulate is entire being 

No other way could God see fit 

that man love anything more than this

Y Gloria Z

My Son

My Son

It was his vision so long ago 

he thought you up for the world below

He knew the world in where it would stand 

So God endowed you with strength

and called you to stand

He placed on you a calling 

then named you man 

Little did I see then, yet have come to believe

 that you my son God set free

The trials of life we have been

through adventures of loss an pain

Here God gave you the place to display 

All his love in you he did create , 

Eve so glorious in her beauty to capture your heart 

in this God set you apart

Both tenderness and strength

 does this display 

For this may be one reason God did create

Man so brilliant in all his stature 

No mother could be happier

You I give my love and pray life's blessing from above 

Go free in love, believe my son 

that God above designed you to be

a man of him This man is free

~By Gloria Bauerle~

Stillnes

Stillness

I have a tattoo, facebook, twitter account and even a blog! The moments to get away without the feeling of neglecting a friend is nerve racking. I long for the time where my flightiness becomes grounded! It is the weight of the Holy Spirit in my life that brings movement in a direction towards advancing the Kingdom. 

I live in an apartment but wish for an herb garden, vegi garden even to grow a my own meet! But the reality of that right now is slim. The bigger desire behind the life of simplicity that I long for is the stillness of my heart, a simple time and simple task. Time to walk in fields of wild flowers talking out load to my Lover, Father, Friend, Lord and Saviour. 

I was in the super market with my husband to have a conversation of great importance. We left the house to escape our children and discovered that there was no where we could talk with out the whole store coming to our isle. We moved from one isle to the next and found our selves in an a place we normally would have never been in. It was for there benefit that we left because I was becoming more and more irritated. 

The search for the place of peace is so over ran by the forces of Evil. For it is in times of complete peace that we began to hear, and began to know God. For is it greater that we know him then anything else in the world. Be still and know that I am God. I have found myself stressing about circumstances, about purpose, and life that I began to fill my mind with things that drowned out the noise instead of quieting my heart. I know you can relate to being in the third party to an argument and with out warning you snap and become more demanding and loader then the other two and to get you to shut up everyone walks away! What about instead of calling the bill collector you turn on your TV. For me when I am stressed I drive a little faster then I should. Day in and day out we live in a world where in the morning there is not peace and the peak of the heat of the day we are mad men and women, who behave like modernized cave dweller.  None of it screams Godly or Holy.

Getting back to a place of solace and peace that even during the circumstance that real out of control knowing that God is God over and under all of it and that being still is better then ramming your cart into the person who is invading your space, or cutting someone off in traffic, or yelling loader than anyone else. How different we would all be if we were still in our heart to hear what God is saying? What do you think God would be saying to you? What would you be saying to him?  

Stones

Stones

There will come a day to gather the 

stones that rolled away

Today it is healing for the 

stones that stayed

Crush our hearts of stone dear God 

and form them in to clay

Wash us clean from unbelief 

for in your name I pray

How can the lost see your face 

if we are cover in shades of gray

Splash up with life and color for it is

 glory to your name

Shut out the enemies roar and bind 

him so so tight

Till the lost dance free and the believers sing 

of your glorious glorious light

Who can tell the lost if we don't

 before your comings roar 

Covered in veils so our light will not shine 

Lord stop us for your cause

We hinder your glory while stuck in our small stories 

We are blessed can any tell 

of the amazing you and what you do 

as you freed us with your well

Silence all the whispers Lord 

so we can here your voice

The world is crying out for a savior here 

not just a disciple in a boat

Y Gloria Z

A New Walk

A New Walk

There is a time and a season for everything under heaven

The first two years of my walk with God was spent in what could be described as a Mash Hospital for the heart. When fully surrendering to the Lord I was acutely aware of my desperate need of healing. God had put me and my family smack dab in the middle of a healthy community that is after the heart of God. In as few words as possible I want to attempt describe a few of the steps I have taken. 

I started addressing  the truth from lies. For so long I'd been subject to lies till, the lies sounded more like truth. To break the bondage of lies it took an entire church pouring into me what was truth at every moment of my being there. When I read the bible I struggled with being able to glean real richness. Not because the richness was not there , but because it was meet and I did not know how to eat that yet. Some of it I could, but the depth I was able to receive was far to little for my satisfaction. The more I was fed truth I began to notice how many lies that were being thrown at me. From this place of being filled I was beginning to take my thoughts captive. But this took me being shown. I did not know or even understand how to do this. I began to reject lies and make them obedient to Christ. The more I began to see and believe the heart of God for me the more I was able to glean riches from the pages of scripture. For a while this satisfied my thirst. I read, studied, spent time seeking the voice of God, seeking his plan, seeking his will and, seeking his leadership in my life. Through this came transformation. I became confident in reading scripture and understanding it, I became confident in my identity and more than anything else I new I could hear from God and nothing that Satan would try to say would convince me. I love to hear from God and I longed for our time and solitude.

I found myself wanting more. I was being poured into still by my family (church) on nearly a daily bases, hearing God everyday and hearing his truth for me, and about me. I was filling to over flowing and I was wanting to pour out. I found myself in a position of being called up but not called out. What I mean by that is encouraged that I had so much to offer and that I was ready but there was no platform for me to offer it yet. My heart began to sink my spirit started to become heavy. I was spending time with God he talked to me about him not just being in church that en-fact we are mostly called to be outside the walls of church. I do not know when and where I developed a belief that to pour out needed to take place with in the church? I equated it to my absolute love and the safety this church brought to my heart. There began a shift in my thinking. I had opened a food bank through our church and occasionally I would have left over food and I would take it to a woman's transitional housing. I was asked by the house supervisor is I wanted to teach the woman how to set budgets and mentor them in steps of financial freedom? I expected the position and after sharing my testimony of the redemptive power of God through financial hardship, I began teaching the woman how to become free. In the middle of this I was invited to be apart of something special with a friend of mine. There was a woman in prison who was pregnant and I was asked to make a blanket for her baby. My heart leaped from my chest I was beginning to pour out and it was such sweet life and I started to come alive. I really had no idea what I was doing but was confident that if I walked through what ever doors that the Lord opened up I would have a chance to share how much Jesus has loved me and how much he loves whom ever is on the other side. 

I had began going to this woman's study through my church and I felt the nudging the spirit for me to share with the woman what I was doing for the woman in prison. To tell you the truth I did not want to share it. It filled me with so much life that I could not bare to hear that I should not be doing that, or that I would need to seek permission. The ways that I was able to pour out in my church were little life pockets and I was feeling stifled, suffocated. The beliefs that were being built in my heart were like a poison and it was eating me alive. I wanted to withdrawal when it is me to engage. I was becoming guarded and felt that I was not strong enough to keep that from happening. But, the promptings of the Holy Spirit were stronger than my fear and so with a pounding heart I shared with the ladies what I was doing. God was faithful to my heart and used this as a platform to make even a bigger blessing for this young lady and myself. 

I know that I am leaving out a lot of experiences that have propelled me in this direction, but I wanted you to see that with  our walk as it matures our faith goes through this defining process. 

My husband and I moved to Arizona from Washington because we herd that God wanted us to move and help at a church in here. I fearfully embraced as I felt my heart was being ripped into two. The transition in the calling to love leadership and help establish community has been more taxing on my belief systems then what we first realized. This new way of walking could not have been made with out the training of the past experiences of building faith. This journey is taking every bit of strength, knowledge, patients, and perseverance that we have. I never knew that amount of strength and courage that I would draw from past experiences with the Lord. Perhaps, this is the first time I have picked up the sward in the battle field and joined the fight? The distraction of circumstances are like a strobe light. It's demanding, and creates and allusion in the midst of battle. Our circumstances range from financial destitution, loss of our beloved community, betrayal, and gossip, miscarriage and vandalism, loneliness and bulling. The world and most believers would look at this as a mover back experience, even I have ventured my thoughts down this path. Yet every time I do I am convicted. The glory that has been taken from the battle grounds is magnificent in proportion. My marriage is better than I ever dreamed, our oldest daughter is blossoming into a beautiful woman of God. God has met our every need and than some. My husband and I are discovering not with just words but in life experiences who we really are.

There are days where this walk has me on my face and other days I am rejoicing in what God had made. The movement in growth feels in the moment dark and opposite of what make sense. Understanding that God has so much more complex thinking then we do for our three reasons not to he has 7 reasons to do. What seems impossible, with God all things are possible. There is a shift in our thinking that is taking place. A new kind of freedom that is breaking through the clouds. No longer will I be called deserted or desolate. But my land my heart will be called married.

Walking

Loving After Loss

Loving After Loss

There is such a vast difference for when your body has healed, your heart falls so far behind. It isn't that we are not working on the healing its just been nearly a week sense we lost Emmanuel Jericho. How my husband is comforted is so vastly different than I. His eyes have carried sadness these last week or so, and I have seen him differently. The burden of loss has crushed his heart and I as time moves on began to fear my body healing. For every time I bleed I am reminded of loss, yet it is not tragedy that has me fearful for it is being filled with life that has me desperately longing and fearing all at the same time. 

Knowing that giving into fear would keep us from moving toward life toward love and strength for each other. Though my pain is deep with all my strength I choose what looked like a deeper pain then cradle my fear. Our embrace was so tender and the broken beauty of venerability through shattered passion. For this time our brokenness made us whole and I cried out for life. The following morning I awoke with more passion for my husband then I have ever had before. Before the sun scorched off the coolness of the night the woes of sorrow or discontent rolled in like a low laying fog. A heaviness over our home. Tensions grew and words exchanged with in the family dynamic became colder lacking in tenderness and beauty.

I feel like we have been crippled after knowing how to run and what carried us once before no longer will. Our faith is being shaken, and even though we understand that it is through this time that our is built to be deeper and stronger the question of what are we doing here is very present. 

In the last couple months I have experienced both extremes of pain and goodness. While holding on to hope as though my life depends on it. More times then not I feel as though I am swinging my sward in the dark. Not even knowing who I am swinging it at or even if I am making any movement in the right direction. The other day I was writing in my journal: I know your ways are not like ours but it is dark in here and I have no light. Lord all I have is your voice and if you tell me where to go I know we can make it through. I am battling to drown out the symphony of evil and quiet my heart to hear from my beloved Lord. I was reminded of a quote that says: There came a time when it was more painful to remain in the bud then to risk that it took to blossom. In my desperate need for life of any kind and knowing that this life only has ever come from the Lord I have held nothing back. For every peddle broken by trauma before blossom I have freely offered to him a sacrifice. But, today I feel like a flower that has lost its last peddle and I have a onlooker telling me that I am not a flower because I do not look like one and somewhere in my life garden I have my keeper tending to me as though he is my gardener. The struggle to draw from the well of absolute confidence during the times of darkness is proving to more like learning how to walk all over again. To walk not by what I see, not by how I feel, but to walk by what I know to be true about the heart of God for me and his deep deep abiding love for me. 

He Loves Me

Baby

Baby

Oh my God hold this little life

this little life that I lost inside

Hold him close to you so tight

that I may take my next breath in time

My heart is crushed in this place of being

Hold my hand dear Lord I'm pleading

My head is heavy and 

desires they are fleeing

Catch them Lord I beg of you

I am bleeding

What beliefs have I made 

what way have I chose to take

Do they lead me in your ways 

or do they lord lead me to this grave

Take me out in due time please 

don't let this soul rot in this pit of grief

Place my feet dancing once again

where life is flourishing and desires are freeing

YBY GLORIAZ