I Choose Now

~I Choose Now~

Today I received the news that it is most likely that I will miscarry this little baby. My heart feels as though it has been ran through with a knife. I had with out even knowing it put so much on the expectations on this little life.  This was my victory flag of healing, my flag of stomping out evil and his lies. Not even a week into my pregnancy and two ER visits later and I am being told not for sure but most likely your body will not carry this baby full term. 

Did I not hear from God? Did he not tell me to do this and to be venerable through it?  I swear I am and when and where did I go wrong in this process. I know that it is no ones fault that this is happing least of all mine or my husbands. It would be so much easier if there was someone to forgive, but there isn't. This morning I must have had to repeat my story of past miscarriages and abortions like 10 times everyone wanting to know what was wrong with me. Some which did not have anything to do with my health care. In and out of the waiting room we were put. Finally the last time on our way out to the waiting we were told that they the nurse would come and gather up and put an IV in me. My heart gathered a deeper sense of alertness. Were they going to perform a DNC. No I do not want to world to take my baby. My sense of attachment reeled through me and I began to crack and not hold my composer very well. 

In my silence I recalled my first abortion and the hardness of my heart and my dearly missed friend who took me there. The years will never erase those memories. Never will I forget the body of my baby placed in a tub and held in front of me with a woman asking me if I would like to hold my baby. The realization that I took this little babies life. Then pulling me out of my thoughts one of the 10 would enter into my room and ask me what was going on? After them leaving was like a heavy cold dark door slammed on my mind. Could that choice then made a difference now? How much different my life would be today. Oh I miss my children. 

The tears rolling down my face and my husband whispering in my ears the truths of life the truths of love and it was like opening a window. Where fresh light and hope piercing through the darkness. The truth that we are not finished yet and that God loves us deeply and this little baby. Trying to hold on to hope while feeling like a train of sorrow is raging through me. My heart cannot keep up, for every glimpse of hope there is a symphony of worldly reality. Needing desperately to hear the glory of his saint in battle. I turned in my bible where God told me once before that I would carry my daughters on my arms and my sons would come from afar.  And I ask, should I have waited was my mother right in saying that my body just was not meant for this. That I should let this go and adopt. In the moment of hearing this I reminded myself by saying to my mother, God told me too, and then I herd her ever so slight dismissal of it's relevance. I began to disqualify her once again from advising me. Was I wrong and if I was wrong in this how many other things have I been wrong in. 

On our way home not barely a word spoken. I herd my husband talking about his dislike of the hospital while I just did not care. The feeling that he was not bothered by what was going on raced by as quick as lighting but left behind ripples that slapped against my mind. In utter desperation that I couldn't fight another battle I had to ask him for shire releasing of my mind. I asked him why he did not seem to be affected as deeply as I am? His glorious answer shed light in my darkness. He said "because I do not have more then my desire to have a son riding on this pregnancy, where with you it is more than your desire it is a statement of freedom it is a belief. I remembered that this wasn't just happening to me, I just had more then he did riding on it. That fire was quickly stopped and we were able to cry together. We stopped at the store on our way home to get lunch supplies for the family and I found my self in puddles I was a wreck the tears would not stop coming and my heart feels like is has been wrung out over and over. On coming home I spoke with a beloved dear friend of mine whom I need not remain strong. I longed for the safety of my heart and my mind. Where the believers lines are strong and there is rest for the broken. In her tender words and wonderful voice her hope reached across the miles. Her light is simple and her hope is like fresh springs. We talked about choosing to celebrate life while we have. 

I slept in the arms of my husband who has held me and has remained strong through this whole process. I awoke to knowing that life must go on. For this night we are celebrating the advancement in our oldest daughter going in to high school. My eyes are still burning from the tears stinging my face. I just did not have the strength to appear strong for anyone. My tears are there feeling every slight disturbance. My daughter asked if I was going to be sad forever? That if I did not think about anything then I'd be just fine. I need to feel I said I need to process all of this. We came home and I spoke to my husband about how I am feeling on a spiritually shaken level. My faith is strong but my heart was shattered. In talking to him I realized I did not know how to celebrate life when the prof of death was emanate. I am afraid to get my hopes up for life like at the start of this pregnancy for the worlds reality to slam the door of hope over and over again. 

I began to realize that I will not understand. That if I have faith then it is worthless if not in movement. James 2:14 What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can his faith save him? I need the songs of my heart to make my voice ready for the battle calls of the believers to be louder then the enemies symphony. I need to choose what I will believe. The boarder-less God who lives outside the understanding of humanity as a whole. Not to hurt us, but to give us a life that set apart from him we will never have, or will I choose to believe in the things that I understand in a world where the symphony rages in my head?

I Choose Now