Beautiful Release
When I am faced with any change in my life that reqires me to face uncertainty I grapple with fear. Tremendous fear. I had made fear my advisor in life. Currently we are facing a life changing circumstance. We are currently planning the celebration of life service for our unborn son. This is much like an Abraham journey. I have viewed letting go of something loved as a valley experiance, much like a funeral of the heart. And it has felt very much like that. Choosing to remain pregnant till God chooses to recieve our gift I aliken to the walk Abraham made up the mountian with his son Issac.
The other day pre labor contractions started and I was fludded with fear. Not of the death of our son, but all of the unknowns and the pain. My loving husband lay next to me as I wept and frustrated with his unablity to take this from me, he washed my broken spirit with the word. Suddenly the question came to my mind. why are some healed and others not, why do we pray and pray and press into the father and still recieve that what we do not want. I am possitive that Abraham wrestled with the same questions as he packed his bags and headed for the mountain top. Then God gently spoken to my clinging to fear heart. Do you believe really that I am good? And, in that moment being completely honest I was having my doubts. Sometime the losses feel greater then the rewards. It was as if a old veil was being removed from my eyes. If I believed He was good and his desire for me is good then my fear is really a lack of belief in him. If I believed he was good then my journey up the mountain would be a relief my obediance to His desire to have our son to Him self would be my greatest pleasure. What I was veiwing as a valley experiance would be quite beautiful, quite holy.
This is devine holiness. And, this has changed the way I pray as I walk this mountain. I pray that my mind is kept pure, that I do not stumble, that I am able to rejoice on my way, singing new songs. Songs of His generostity, goodness, and His faithfulness. I want to celebrate the unknown and misunderstood mystries of God and His marvolious heart for us.
Earlier in this journey I was grieving hard and asked a dear friend how do I find joy in the midst of my suffering, how do I suffer well. Purhaps this is what Paul was talking about. Joy in suffering is when we let go of it's sting.
So I let of my life line called fear and reclined in the lap of God and swang in peace from this mountain top. From here the veiw is stunning, and worth its suffering. It is a beautiful release!
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