So much life

So Much Life

Its been far to long sense my last post, but a recommendation from my bereavement nurse that I began to write again. 

I am mid way through my 27th week of pregnancy with our beautiful son Peter Roman and we are planning his going away celebration of life. On one aspect I am blessed that I have the oppertunity to put thought into what we are and will be experiancing when we lay our son down. Yet I am so torn. I do not know how to grieve. I feel a great sense of responsibility in grieving with hope for those who are watching and because I love Jesus. There are so many women who have gone through this and yet I feel as though I am blazing a new painful trail.

I am loved, supported and encouraged by hundrends of beautiful people and yet I feel utterly alone. Like my world has stopped but everyone else is in movement. I don't know how to carry my son, feel his movements and stay emotionally and spiritually level. I hate being the center of tragitiy and that there are few times in my life where there has not been tragitiy on some level.

This is my 10th pregnancy and I have two living children, and I wish that was all the tragitiy but far from it. I beg to go home, I beg God to take me home because I am utterly broken and the older I get the harder it is to remain vonrable and the less I trust. I don't want to be that person but it feels so out of my control. I feel ship wrecked and fear I have lost who I am.