The Windows Of My Heart

The Windows Of My Heart

Through my brokenness I find myself boarding up my heart fast. For so long I lived from a place where the only way to see or hear from me was through a tiny peephole in which a single beam from the outside world would trickle in. It was through this tiny hole God chose to faithfully visit me. It was from this tiny hole I experienced Jesus. Every once in a while I'd hear his voice and I'd know it was him on the other side. For he was the only one who would speak to me that way. Although I saw him far less then I desired in my life. The longer I stayed in my home of brokenness the more I viewed Jesus and the world through this very small perspective. Thus my view and experience of Jesus was as small as my peephole. Yet the tenderness of God only allowed me to stay this way for a little while. My understanding that Jesus faithfully visited every once in a while was incorrect in its furthest truths. There just next to my opening He'd sit waiting for me to draw near. For me this took years and he waited and waited.

As He has began to heal me through his love for me I have only started to unbind places for the Lord to enter. But, as I took down the barriers It also made away for others to enter in. There God had a community of people that are close to his heart. Never once did they look at me as broken but, rather so lovingly for the first time. This love made me want to remove more barriers then before. 

Time went by and God began to rebuild my house. Through this process I've found  that in times of deep rooted pain I frantically try to cover all the places where I'm exposed. There is no way I can board up this house for it no longer is the same. I find that I am angry, afraid, more like terrified, and hurt. Then like a depression the thought travels through my mind effortlessly saying "You idiot you should have know it all would end this way". Uh, the tug a war of the soul for the prize of my heart. Of course freedom is worth the price, but the price at times feels more then my heart can bare. 

So all this really says is that I am so small in my faith, that my understanding of Gods heart for me is limited to my exposer to him, my perception of him.  The past few weeks I've been hiding like a beaten child in the dark rooms of my heart. There through the key hole a familiar voice and light talks to me from the other side. So softly and tenderly as before He ask if he can come in again. It is not that I have chose to just shut Him out but it is everyone that I am wanting to shut out. My heart is broken and the grief is crushing me. I know that to my heart again means restoration and healing and thats what I long for. This also means that others have access to my heart. 

Not long ago a friend reminded me of the story of Peter when he denied Jesus at the time of his greatest need. The utter brokenness that Peter must have felt was tremendous indeed. I cannot help but feel that after Jesus has risen from the grave He calls from the shore to the disciples who are fishing for the sole purpose of Peters redemption. For it was Peter who said, Its the Lord and jumped in the water and swam desperately to the shore. It was on the shore that the risen Lord receives Peter and he is redeemed. 

Just the very thought that he rises from the dead and sits at the door of my broken heart time and time again waiting and calling so lovingly to me to let him in again is purely because he is in love with me. That his great love for me could not be quenched through death and fire, sorrow or time. But that he will wait only so long before he reaches in out of pure love to redeem what has been so desperately lost. It is this time of sorrow that I discover my ever living need and find that my redemption cannot happen out of my strength but through my realization of my need utter need for my fiercely devoted God who has loved me to faithfully. 

The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

they will not die in their dungeon

nor will they lack bread

For I am the Lord you God,

who churns up the sea so that its waves roar

the Lord Almighty is his name.

I have put my words in your mouth and 

covered you with the shadow of my hand

I who set the heavens in place,

who laid the foundations of the earth,

and who say to Zion, you are my people

Isaiah 51:14-16 NIV