My Pride

My Pride

A couple weeks ago while spending time in a study that our church is going through. I came to a place of disruption concerning my pride. 

Recently we completed what God had called us to do at a previous church and so followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit to leave. Yet, before leaving it was brought to my attention that a few people considered me to be more holy or righteous then they were, or at least I made them feel that way. Although I had really only herd those words from one person it was all that I needed to here. This bothered me to the core as I have never considered myself righteous or even one who could claim it. But, what bothered me so much is why they felt that way? Why was this even about me? 

About four months ago I purchased a study for my husband and I to do. We needed to be fed spiritually en-order to poor out. I was searching for some food and felt the Holy Spirit leading me to do this study. Even though we are just now doing it I cannot help but feel that I put God on hold for what he had plan, desired for me (us) in this. 

I did not see myself as prideful, but as I read these two different stories from the old testament I began to see my pride. The story is of two kings Rehoboam and Asa. 

Read Chronicles 12:1-5

Rehoboam established a strong kingdom and because of his pride his heart filled with sin, and he lead his nation away from God. God brought up an enemy to punish Rehoboam for his rebellion. Because God loved Rehoboam and his people he wanted them to understand why the nation was under attack. So God sent to him a profit to explain.

Read Chronicles 12:6-7

The King humbled himself and declared the righteousness of God and, God spared them. Yet the next king Asa was different.

Asa began his reign as king after Rehoboam and Asa did some really great things for the kingdom. He started out in complete obedience. Even though Asa was a Godly leader trouble come his way. Asa cried out to God and God spared him. God honored Asa for his faith and blessed him.                   (2 Chronicles 14:2-7) (2 Chronicles 15) 

Then several years later when trouble came again Asa responded differently. Instead of Asa turning to God like before he turned to the Syrians for help. God sent a profit to rebuke him, but Asa wouldn't listen. (2 Chronicles 16:10,12-13)

I asked myself which king am I mostly like in my day to day responses. I wanted to say Rehoboam but I would not be truthful. Far more times I have been a Asa in the sense, I have not wanted to ask for help. Time after time our family has needed help, and this was a time that was no different. I needed to ask our church for help, but I didn't want to be seen as below, needy, or lacking in blessing. The truth is that I want to give to others not in a way of recognition but as self assurance that we are doing what we should be, and there fore God has given us favor in the form of financial blessings. I want to be a righteous to be a Godly woman, but I wanted this without my depravity being exposed. 

We had two days before we had no phone, no electricity and I had already prepared out last meal, and to make matters more uncomfortable we were out of gas so going to the food bank which seemed to be that lesser of my evils was out of the question. I knew God was asking me to call our church for help and I wanted to do everything but that. Isn't it true that it is easier asking someone you may never see again for help verses someone who is going to see you several times a week? God was wanting this out of me and it was gripping me. I just got through telling my husband that God was wanting me to call our church for help and even that seemed like a sort of admission to my pride. Then the neighbor come over and shared with us about a new program that the electric company has as far as a government grant. It was as if I was through an easy way out. But, then I remembered the Syrians. As soon as our neighbor left I said I cannot got to the Syrians for help, I mustn't. I picked up the phone and called the church and as I spoke with our new pastor I could feel a deep clean smooth cut of the masters hands in my heart as if reforming a deformed part of me. My pride broke and I became humble. 

I think what was seen in me at our previous church was in-fact pride. Yet God is faithful, and even though Satan was good at distracting me from what God was wanting for me clear back in April.

Thank you Lord for you deep clean cuts, and your transforming of the mind, and restoration of my broken heart. 

Amen