This Child Of Mine

This Child Of Mine

I have had the privilege to be my daughters mother for little over 14 years. Seven of those years have been along side my husband Edward. Together we have learned so much about the heart of God for us through our oldest daughter among so much more. Because of her gift we have become better parents, and people. 

The relationship with my oldest daughter is just getting to a place where the level of intimacy changes from complete dependence to less dependence and more friendship. So much of the process of this transition reminds me of the journey we take with God. Yet, at every unforeseen change my heart goes through a wrenching of sorts. A few months ago Amber my oldest daughter got in contact with her biological father. He has not been in Ambers life for nearly all of it. The reasons for me keeping them apart are no longer the same as before. We are both different people then we were. For if it were my sin counted as cost who am I to be her mother. I knew in the back of my mind that this day would come, but it was as if my heart was as always moving at a slower rate then life. I set up a communications contract for the both of them to foster a slow start, a safe start and thus it has been followed to the tee. Not in contempt but in complete respect for my heart and honoring to my husband, as well as Ambers. In my heart I want this to go good for Amber. For the father wounds can take our whole lives to heal from it seems. But, I had this remnant of desire that he would live up to his old self and walk back out of her life. Thank God that is not the case. 

Although we are 1500 miles away from Him ( Jason ) I cannot help but see the gracious side of God in dealing with my untrusting heart. I think that as mothers we have our grip on our families (children )the most. It is flesh of our flesh and can there be any stronger connection to the is world outside of God and our husbands: Gods mercy displayed to me through time in letting her go. Even thought Jason and Amber have not seen each other sense Amber was four years  old, planning with Jason and his lovely wife there reunion has at times overwhelmed me with deep tearing of my heart.  I never thought that I would ever have to share my child in this capacity. Let her be a missionary, a light to the world but thus I would be her only mother. I never in a million years thought that I would ever have to face the fact that I would have to share this part of my heart with anyone else. She was just my gift and the fear of letting her go to be a gift to another mothers heart is more frighting then any other release. Yet, for all the gifts in the world that God has given to me who am I to not trust God with her, with me, with this outcome. 

I find myself spending time in prayer about a quad parenting plans that has my flesh removed. Knowing myself I would make things nearly impossible for flourishing relationships. Yet, for every single thought that is not from God his guiding Holy Spirit is there to help me write it out. The removing of me and making it all Gods plan is a constant surrender. I think of the mothers who send their children off to war and hope and pray that God will find favor on their lives and return to them. My heart cries out, who will battle for her heart while she is away, who will guide her spiritually. Who will stand against the devils schemes and teach her perseverance. I can suddenly see all the areas in my parenting that I fell so short of what is needed to get her ready for life apart from me even for just a few months at a time. So the words of God lightly dance through my heart, "Are you willing to loose your life to find your life"? Will you my glorious beloved let your children be fully mine and let me have all of my will in their life? Will you let control be mine? It is in this place that my heart breaks and surrenders to the majesty of the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Where I am at the foot of the cross, crying out Lord my God set us free, set me free.

Isaiah 12:2-6

Surely God is my salvation I will trust and not be afraid

The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song

He has become my salvation

With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation

In that day you will say:

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name;

make known to the nations what he has done

and proclaim that his name is exalted

Sing to the Lord, for he is done glorious things

let this be known to all the world

Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion

for great is the Holy One of Israel among you

Thank you Lord for your wonderful works in me. How great is your love for me that you would not let me suffocate in my flesh but call out in me a new song to sing and worship your wonderful name.  Amen