Utter Honesty

Utter Honesty

I haven't written a lot on my blog about my past because of it's sensitive nature. But, what God is doing in me cannot be passed up. 

I grew up the middle child of nine children. In a very broken home, where I was sexually abused from the age of 3-16. Do not worry for I will spare us all from the details; but, for this one. Which is my reason for writing this blog. 

I have struggled for along time with my thoughts and impure thinking. I have also struggled with impure dreams perverted in there nature. But, the worst is that I fear I will do what has been done to me. I used to read romance novels and this is that is what I practiced my reading on. Yet, to this day I can recall most every story that I read, but this doesn't come with out the price of remembering them being read to me as a young girl. As quick as that my past come railing through my mind and heart like a freight train. 

Weather the memory is pure or disgusting it pulls from me a physical experience and my thoughts are carried through as if they are me, my heart, my thoughts, desires. 

Yet, complete truth in this couldn't be established without raw venerability. I am no different then any other woman who struggles with impure thinking. The difference is where some of us take captive our thoughts, in this area I have not. I stuff them way deep down where I hope and pray that I do not have to tread through my past again. I have lied to my self in believing that I do not struggle with impure thoughts, that they are the remnants of my broken past. Although that is true, it is not all true. I struggle with my flesh to. In the meantime Evil has had the freedom to trample my heart and ravage my soul. Satan and his attempt to take me completely out has convinced me to some level that I have made to big deal about my freedom, other wise I wouldn't struggle with impure thoughts so much. 

Lies, lies, lies. This is not true but I have lived as though it is true for a while. 

I am comforted my David and his repentive heart in    Psalms 32:1-5

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven

Whose sins are covered. 

Blessed is the man whose sins the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.

When I kept silent, my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy on me;

my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.

The I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover

up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" and you forgave me the guilt of my sin

Lord, I confess to you that I have not taken the responsibility of taking my thoughts captive. That through my dishonest perspective of myself I made your glory small in my life. Forgive my shame and wash me clean from the guilt of my sin. Restore to me a mind that is after you. 

Lord, Thank you for setting me free and redeeming all that the enemy would steel kill and destroy in me that is from you. I love you Lord with all that I am and who you say that I am!

AMEN