Loving Me In Repentance

Loving Me In Repentance

Somewhere in the deep confines of my / our heart is this belief that if we want to experience the release of holy grace then we need to be holy. That we need to walk blameless before man and God. 

Although in simplistic terms of be good, and God will reward you; makes sense in light that the terms that the world lives by. Like, if you work hard you will be wealthy. But, the ladder seems to fall so short from the heart of God. 

But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Cor 12:9)

There are countless times in which I have fallen short of the Glory of God. It seems in my good doing there is a flavor lingering that taste of selfishness, pride and most often fear, you might as well through in jealousy. I am the least deserving of His sufficient grace. At each and every time of repentance it's taste is so bitter. I have spent and believe I will continue be  on my knees in repentance. I know that this is a sure sign of his love for me, but the experience differers from what my flesh expects. 

We fall in love or lust and both feel good. Lust withers away and dies by the way sides of our heart while love brings comfort to your bones even in the desert. The same is in repentance, and being sorry. Sorry is a generally painless apology where repentance brings you to a level of humiliation with the hope that God will restore you to good standing. For me sorry comes to easily. I not long ago was telling my husband that there is a part of me that wishes I could stand before the world and ask everyone how is it that I'v hurt, or disappointed. Then offer a blanket apology. I know as efficient as this sounds  my heart would be removed and in the end I would be left unchanged and hard hearted.  This is what I could not bear. My heart unchanged. It is my hearts cry that He would carry me to the table and bleed me to see the depth of his love will not leave in me all that He has intended to complete. 

I used to think that I was so lucky to read a book or listen to some story and learn the biggest lessons in life as to avoid uncomfortable aches of humility. God in His commitment to the romancing of my heart takes me through this journey not unscathed but limping so that I can remember that all the while it was him that sustained me, that it was Him who carried me through. All the stories and books have been the journeys of those that have walk this road before me, not in the place of me. 

Lord to you this I pray I lay it all down 

pour over me your merciful hand

Find me at the cross each day 

my God this I pray 

Guard my mouth and the words that stray

silence my flesh as all I want to here

Is only what you would say

Set this Absalom free, I am pleading to be

like you lord in all that I say and do

Lord take my pride and crucify it 

till none remain

Then my God my Lord and Holy Spirit

takes its place in me

That I may be a blessing to you

a sweet smelling sacrifice worthy of my blessed King

~Amen~