Finding It

Finding It

When I came to the place in my life where I was fully committed to being more than a fan of Jesus, but rather a follower, I had decided that there was nothing in this life worth keeping if it meant separation between Jesus and me. Isn't that so typical? We think we have tried everything else out for our life and it doesn't work and more times than not we choose Jesus last. I was much the same. 

So thus began my journey. I felt more like clay being pounded. I had to choose between my biological family and Jesus and at the time that was my whole life. Choosing to let them go for the sake of the cross was losing my life to find it. 

Yet, like most things as I walk with God my interpretation changes some. Later in my walk with God I came to a place in my walk with God where he was asking me to set my way of doing things down and surrender to my husband and my church leaders. This transition also felt like loosing my life. I had become so accustom to taking care of my self and trusting no one for the sake of my well being and with my relational heart that it felt like I was risking it all again. While battling the complications of leadership and submission, I came to the cross roads in church while our pastor was speaking and God asked me to get on my knees. Anyone who knows me I have been a front row girl. I want to be as close to God as I can get. So when He "God" asked me to kneel I said, but God in front of everyone and there is not a worship song playing? Do it know he said with the most stern voice I have herd him use. In that moment I choose to lose my life for the sake of the cross. 

Recently this has taken on a new form that has caused my eyes to open. I was at a worship performance and just struggling to finish what God has called me to do. Feeling the wait of the enemy, his spirit of exhaustion, isolation, desperation, the last thing I wanted to do was be present for others who I know would not feed this aching need for fresh water. I was standing and praying for Jesus to just pour out his Holy Spirit. Now normally in fact every other time I have stayed in that prayer till I could feel his spirit on me. This time I did not. I could feel my heart hard and it scared me. I asked myself " Has my heart become so detached that I cannot wait for His Spirit to come before I become distracted"?  Then it hit me, I was willing to lose my life up until a certain point. My heart was so guarded and hurting that I was unwilling to give of my whole heart for the sake of not being hurt any more. I was actually considering setting my wants and needs as well as understanding of the process above Gods call on my life. I was floored and tears filled my eyes. I was holding out on God I was for fear of dyeing inside holding onto what I have know previously as life to the full. On the way home I knew that I had to make another decision to lose my life to find it. Upon coming home I could feel the enemy slither in as I opened the door and I knew that this was the time. Will I hold my ground and lose my life, or will I buy a spot in the phew and become church mice. Our family hit our knees together and thanked the Lord for his mercy and wisdom, and there we choose as a family to once again lose our life to find it. 

It's so complicated, the letting go process. The letting go of everything that make sense for the wild ride of following the holy spirit. It is our thinking that is so small. Matt 16:25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. We hold on to what ever we think is the only way to finding life and in the process we lose track of our position in the greater story. I first thought that letting go of my family was the hardest thing ever, but no not at all. Letting go of my gift from God was much much harder, this time letting go of the control of how to manage my walk with God seems to be a whole other level. You know that song that says " I feel like I am just one step away from you leaving me this way is how I have been walking thus far". The sad thing is that walking like that is not freedom. He said I will never leave you nor forsake you. My heart in his hand will not grow hard, my heart in his hands will not grow weary. Matt 11:29-30 Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Don Schwager said it perfectly 

"Lord, inflame my heart with love for you for your ways

and help me to exchange the yoke of rebellion for the yoke of submission to your holy and loving word.

Set me free from the folly of my own sinful ignorance and 

rebellious pride that I may wholly desire what is goo and in accord

with your will."

Lord let my heart be humble and forgive me of unfaithfulness to your heart. You my God are all the life there is and apart from your there is none. Forgive me and find favor, I am surrendered to your plan for my life and declare that your knowing is good.

I love you my beloved Lord my awesome God...