Loving After Loss

Loving After Loss

There is such a vast difference for when your body has healed, your heart falls so far behind. It isn't that we are not working on the healing its just been nearly a week sense we lost Emmanuel Jericho. How my husband is comforted is so vastly different than I. His eyes have carried sadness these last week or so, and I have seen him differently. The burden of loss has crushed his heart and I as time moves on began to fear my body healing. For every time I bleed I am reminded of loss, yet it is not tragedy that has me fearful for it is being filled with life that has me desperately longing and fearing all at the same time. 

Knowing that giving into fear would keep us from moving toward life toward love and strength for each other. Though my pain is deep with all my strength I choose what looked like a deeper pain then cradle my fear. Our embrace was so tender and the broken beauty of venerability through shattered passion. For this time our brokenness made us whole and I cried out for life. The following morning I awoke with more passion for my husband then I have ever had before. Before the sun scorched off the coolness of the night the woes of sorrow or discontent rolled in like a low laying fog. A heaviness over our home. Tensions grew and words exchanged with in the family dynamic became colder lacking in tenderness and beauty.

I feel like we have been crippled after knowing how to run and what carried us once before no longer will. Our faith is being shaken, and even though we understand that it is through this time that our is built to be deeper and stronger the question of what are we doing here is very present. 

In the last couple months I have experienced both extremes of pain and goodness. While holding on to hope as though my life depends on it. More times then not I feel as though I am swinging my sward in the dark. Not even knowing who I am swinging it at or even if I am making any movement in the right direction. The other day I was writing in my journal: I know your ways are not like ours but it is dark in here and I have no light. Lord all I have is your voice and if you tell me where to go I know we can make it through. I am battling to drown out the symphony of evil and quiet my heart to hear from my beloved Lord. I was reminded of a quote that says: There came a time when it was more painful to remain in the bud then to risk that it took to blossom. In my desperate need for life of any kind and knowing that this life only has ever come from the Lord I have held nothing back. For every peddle broken by trauma before blossom I have freely offered to him a sacrifice. But, today I feel like a flower that has lost its last peddle and I have a onlooker telling me that I am not a flower because I do not look like one and somewhere in my life garden I have my keeper tending to me as though he is my gardener. The struggle to draw from the well of absolute confidence during the times of darkness is proving to more like learning how to walk all over again. To walk not by what I see, not by how I feel, but to walk by what I know to be true about the heart of God for me and his deep deep abiding love for me. 

He Loves Me