Love Loss And Hope

Love Loss And Hope

Waiting and watching the time pass and little bits of my baby's life come to a close I began to become angry. I watched in tears while the dreams of a deserving family come true on TV. I felt angry because my daughter was just a moment earlier expressing her frustration with the lack of provision. Her painfully unmet desire, as well as our desire to have a home and not have to move. I turned off the TV declaring almost shamefully that I did not want to watch this again. I went to my room and set stout and hard on my bed. Edward lay across the bed gently touching my knee and said I am listening. That was like the only door that needed to open and my words singed my mouth as I spoke of all that I gave to be here in this place and how up to that moment I had only experienced moments of relief. I gave my beloveds to come here for God, I would give them up again because I love him. I do not work because he has asked me not to, yet knowing that it would help us out, but we are not making it. I hope and give and believe, move and sing of all his goodness and here I am flushing bits and pieces of our baby down the toilet. For what I cried, for what? I want more then a moment of deliverance, I want complete freedom. Financial, health, children, relational, and community freedom not just bits of it. Where is this life to the full? because right now that life is being crushed out of me.

I could feel the spirit cringe and I knew that I had grieved him, this tore my heart. Was all his goodness not good enough for me? I layed down in exsaustion next to my husband and he so tenderly stroked my hair. I looked at his eyes and they were filled with fresh tears. I realized that this was not just happening to me but my husband was hurting as well. I embraced him but my arms were like a dry sponges I could not comfort him I sucked every bit of strength from him that he offered. 

Laying side by side tears filled and overflowed our eyes. My husband spoke and his words seemed to carry across the distances of fear, beckoning the warmth of his tender-words. My arms are not big enough. God is the only one I know that can hold this as tight as it needs. I do not know how to heal or relieve your broken heart. All I know my beloved bride is that God loves us more than we can understand and that his ways are not like ours. That although I do not understand the path that we are on, I am confident that the life that God has for us is worth this suffering. Lets give this to him our baby our broken hearts our sorrow our fear. It was as if our God gave my husband the strength to carry me across this bloodied battle field to the foot of the cross, laid me there with our sweet baby. He paved a way of prayer where I thanked God for the time with this life that he had given us. I asked for forgiveness for my anger because I really do love the Lord. I begged the Lord to scrape all the glory off this battle ground. We prayed for strength and courage to try again, but most of all to make us moveable with in his timing and purpose.

Through out the evening peace was restored in its most fragile state. Not in fear that it would not meet us in our need but for right now it was all that we needed. My bleeding began to slow and once again I began to fight for life. Because I had not fully miscarried yet, perhaps God was going to pull off something amazing. It was as though my heart began to take flight again. This morning I had a Dr. appointment. I felt hopeful almost as if it did not matter what she said I new that God was bigger than our understanding. She did not even test my blood or do a exam she told me that I was going to, if not already, miscarry. Not letting her poison faze me I agreed to come back in two weeks to see what happens. I was exhausted just going out sapped me of my energy I began thinking of yesterday I began to feel that my baby had gone to be with Jesus. Our youngest fell asleep and my oldest left for the day and I fell fast asleep. I woke with a pounding on my door. I slowly opened my door to see a jolly man standing there with a parcel of food. Trying to keep from fainting I shortly exclaimed that I did not order any food. He apologized and went away. I ran into the bathroom and there my baby came out. I stood over the toilet with tears in my eyes I could not flush. How can I separate from this pain how do I flush my flesh? Struggling deeply with how do I do this again, there was a pounding on the door. I quickly flushed out of shock or out of fear or even shame I am not sure but it startled me and as I reached the door I realized what I had done. All I wanted to do was fall to a heap on the floor. I opened the door and there was the same man apologizing to me because this food was a gift from a dear friend. I do not remember what words were exchanged if any. I called my friend to thank her but my voice was week and I could not talk. I felt like l was floating through life reactions of cause and effect. I called my husband and told him and he said he'd be home shortly. I sat at my computer to write but I could not write. My email was blinking and there in my inbox were 20+ messages of love. Saints and my beloved telling me how much God loves me and is with us and I was reduced to weeping.

My husband came home and we shared our sorrow and tears, but we were also able to share in hope and encourage each other. I am sad we are sad. I do not know how not to be sad but we are at peace. There is a relief that I did not have to have the strength do go through this alone, that though it is bitter, there is a refined sweetness in my marriage. We suffered together, we hoped together, we lost together, and together hope is restored. 

Emmanuel Jericho Bauerle

Conceived ~ May 19th 2011

 Home Free ~June 26th 2011

Waiting to be united with Daddy and Mommy

Big sisters Ambrose and Paisley