A Better Role

A Better Role

My husband and my self were taking a class at church to find out our gifting and the place for us to serve that would meet both our desires and the needs of our new church. The program it's self was interesting because of the process that we arrived through to discover our calling. It is a mans attempt at bestowing identity and it is respected as that, with the understanding that the heart behind the idea is good and pure. 

Both my husband and I were pretty confident in who we are before coming to ACC but the roles that we would play and the direction that we are to take is more a submitting to the holy spirits leading. This program is a plat form for us to do just that. To release the way we think God is leading to just following his leadership. It's a beautiful dance in the intimacy of our relationship with the Lord. 

The way the relationship between my husband and God, and God an myself is vastly different. With my husband if you'll picture with me and I believe this picture is quite accurate is God walks along side my husband giving him the inside scoop of what direction the men that are marching in to battle are going to take and where collaboration on the best plan of attack. 

As far as my self it is more like I am walking with God and my eyes are completely on him and that is where he wants them and I like wise.  God holds my hand in anticipation of showing me his glory. Then one amazing moment at a time he moves my gaze and shows me this amazing life, this amazing journey. Yet there are times where the path seems so narrow that its less wide then my feet and I know that we are in battle and the danger is high. I want in that moment to run to the end of that sean and God holds me still so that I can feel in the grip of his hands his fierce devotion.

Through this journey of ours. I have had a fear of being lost forgotten and alone. For most of my childhood that is what it was like although I was born in the middle of a family of nine kids. I was forgotten and unwanted and left to be devoured by the enemy. Because of this I have taken the leadership role in my life. That my happiness was just up to me and if I wanted to be wanted then it was up to me to make myself wanted and seen. In the last couple years I have been asked by the Lord to step more in the supporting role. Well, in truth he has been asking me a lot longer than a couple of years ago. I have not been entirely obedient. God in his mercy understands my fear but, because he loves me he will not let me live in this fear. 

A couple of years ago I was asked by the Lord to serve the mens and woman's ministries by cooking for them. O man I did not want to do that. I love them deeply and want to serve them, but I was terrified of being lost and forgotten in the kitchen. I kept having thoughts that I'd end up like my mother unhappy and silent within my own tears. The very though caused my heart to hurt and I realized that God was working something out in me. I decided that what this request had brought up in me I no longer wanted to own so I talked with the leader of the ministry and I was excepted with tremendous eagerness, which made me even more nervous. Under my voice I kept reminding God that he had told me once I choose to be obedient in this that he was not going to leave me alone in the kitchen.

I served for just about a year in this ministry before God called me out of it. Yet this ministry brought me tremendous joy. I was anything but lost or forgotten and God made sure of that. I was received and loved and encouraged. I had a wonderful time pouring my heart into some thing new and bringing something fresh and different to the men and woman of our home church. 

Now we are in a different place and God is asking us to step into roles that carry the same level of urgency for the growth and intimacy of our walk. My husband is stepping more into a leadership role and the idea of that made me so excited. I love who my husband is and will become through the power of Gods leading in his life. My position because of this calling is taking more of a supportive role. Once again I found my self worried that I would become the forgotten house wife with nothing more to talk about then the chatter of toddlers and the drama of teenage living. I began to become ambivalent about this. In one hand I want to follow my husband leadership and support and love him absolutely, but on the other hand I struggle with the idea of being Edward's wife Gloria the fear of being introduced as This is Edward Bauerle and oh yah his wife Gloria. I do not want to live in the shadows of a former calling a former glory.

Last week while driving alone I was talking to God about why I was feeling this anxiety over the supportive role. I love my husband and there is nothing I want more then to see him shine in his kingdom. To see him live out of his identity and calling to change the world with his strength and brilliance. God reminded me of the time I feared being in the kitchen. I new I was desperately terrified to be forgotten to blend in to the background. This was going to take a transformation of the mind. Why would the God of all heaven and earth who is passionately in love with me forget about me, have my light go out? While his very nature is to cause our light to shine. The very worship of his love for us depends on intimacy in relationship. This is the very reason that he created us. To walk in the Glory of God. 

The perception of mother hood and being a wife had to change. It has only been a year ago where I felt I had something to offer my daughters other than brokenness. It has been only three years sense I had began pursed the deepest heart of my husband from a place of freedom. I have a feeling the journey of the supportive role will be more fulling than any other ministry pursued. No greater gift next to salvation have I been given. Lord help me to handle this gift and transformation with your heart. How Lord do I call up and out greatness in my husband and in all my children? Lord how do I foster and environment of rich growth in the light of your Glory. To teach my children to hear your voice and to seek you in the early day? To walk with you and become warriors for you? 

A Few days ago my daughter saw this girl who has been bulling her for a while. My daughter was in the house next to her father and I. She dropped to her hands and knees and crawled out of the room and hid in panic. I realized that this was a perfect moment for her to realize her Ester anointing and rise above impossible circumstance. To teach her that she has the power to take what Satan uses to destroy her and change her world, her community. Currently we are getting ready to launch a bulling freedom rally in our community. Neither one of us have done this before but we are stepping through doors that God is opening. 

Gods grace is not given to us according to our fear,

Gods grace is given according to our need.

For is desire is to not feed the enemy of fear, but rather

Gods whole purpose of grace is to empower us to change the world.

Deuteronomy 33:29

Blessed are you O Israel, who is like you

a people saved by the Lord?.

He is your shield and helper and 

your glorious sword.

Your enemies will cower before you

and you will trample down their high places:

While reading this scripture the other night while praying over how to inspire my daughter to rise above her fear I realized a treasure. Our biggest question or at least mine is God you are so mighty why not just smite my enemies. Really God I don't mind, I know you can do! But what God is saying to me is that We are a people that is special set apart and loved by God. There is no one or nothing in the world that can separate us from the love of God. His love for us is so awesome he does not want to boost in his might through our suffering but rather he decided that he wants to use his power through us to stomp on the neck of evil. God's power is seen by the world when God used the weakest to trample down the strong. 

So will you choose to along with my daughter and my self let go of fear and lift your hands to God so the he can fill your hand with weapons so that we can trample down their high places. For our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers of darkness.