Holding Ground

Sometimes small is not small enough, but small can still hold the ground

You know that little girl dream? You cannot wait to meet your knight and shining armor, you begin planning your wedding when you are nearly eight. You start drawing princesses and dreaming dreams bigger and grander than any Disney production. There are echos of a fairy tale in almost every game that is played, mommy, ballet dancer, singer, dress up, even doctor. 

  When I began walking with God and my life change was sudden and drastic, and nothing short of glorious. It was as if God took his big God hand, and scooped me up out of sickest pit and set me on top a mountain where my lover Lord began to teach me to most beautiful dance and loved me the way I never dream of. 

I wanted to serve God with every part of me. I would serve where ever I could. I would face every battle that I needed to fight and in my eyes the battles were between life and death. I can tell you that every bit of it is worth it. Yet I found my self at this place where I wanted more. I have believed that God had a bigger purpose for me than just being a church going serving girl. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going to church and serving. It was just that My life up to that point had been so riddled with tragedy that there was no way God would spare me just for me to serve and go to church on Sunday. For I truly believed at that time that all of the tragedy would not have been worth it if it was just for me to live by performance  I needed to have a place of value, a calling, and it needed to be awesome. 

I began seeking God with all my heart. What was my purpose? What did my purpose have to do with my story? I could not wait to be called into a bigger story than my own, and then one day He did. I thought it would be nothing short of glorious. Yet, this gloriousness has been the hardest thing we have ever done. Things that go wrong make no sense. There seems to be drama after drama and it totally is distracting from what were called to do. I feel like I am spending more time doing damage control than walking with God. The fight for the hearts of others and your own feels at times shredding me to the marrow of my bones.

Have you ever felt like your enemy has a barrel pressed to your helmet while your back is pressed against a wall and he is screaming surrender? With ever bit of strength I can muster I am screaming back NO. Then thoughts start to creep in my mind, should I have been more patient and not wanted to be so eager to serve God with my whole life? Am I a little girl in a woman's world? Did I have a unrealistic idea of what the real world is like? Maybe God did not call me? Maybe it would have been better for me to have not wanted so much more out of life? "Perhaps, I think I feel like a girl who has moved away from home for the first time and I have know idea how to do laundry, cook or even vacuum". I am looking for a phone for a mom to come and show me but there is no one to call. 

There is this part of me that says these feelings are just whispers from the enemy and I am pretty much confident that this is true. Still, there is a small part of me that believes that I have no place in this battle. Perhaps it is just because my sword is feeling really heavy, or maybe it is because Satan is pushing on it. I will choose to believe the latter is true. I need room to scream out to my bigger stronger God.... WAR FARE...