In his hands

~In His Hands~

I was seventeen when I discovered that I was pregnant with my first child. The very idea of having a child shock me to the core. I was a mess emotionally. My daughter saved my life. She was born and she carried a part of me that I disliked. I am dyslectic and if you doubt it read all my other blogs! I was at best a high school drop out with the formal education of a third grader. I picked up a disney book to read to my daughter. But I could barely read the first page. When my daughter was about 4 I decided that I wanted to get help so that I could read her stories. I went to Everett Community Collage and tried to get my G.E.D. My reading what so atrocious that they provided me a privet tutor.  There in the small dinning room of my first apartment with my daughter I learned how to read write and comprehend. I never acquired my G. E. D. Math is ever worse for me. 

As time went on I realized that my daughter struggled with reading. She would memorize her stories in stead of reading them. Her journey through school has been less than desired. I wasn't repaired as a mother to battle for her education. I felt less qualified then a stranger when it came to the subject of her best interest. It was not till last year when my oldest was going into the eight grade that I felt God was asking me to home school her. By this time her self esteem has taken hit after hit and I saw for years the damage of humanity and dyslexia. 

Through the time of Amber's childhood I had two abortions and miscarried a few times. The beliefs that God overcame in me about what kind of person I am has taken years of tears and tender loving. My husband and I married in Dec of 2007 and God gave us a gift. 

In 2008 we gave birth to our second living child. Paisley she is nearly 3 and is so adorable. There were complications with my health during the pregnancy that caused the Dr. to induce labor. Baby Paisley had an allergic reaction to the medication and arrived through emergency C-cection. It seemed like a long time went by before I herd her cry and the tears rolled down my face with the thought that I had caused Paisley to die. 5 days in the NICU and the most stressful experience in my life.  Our whole goal was to bring our baby home. 

Paisley is healthy and living wonderfully but, little paisley has Autism.  She is just now starting to talk and for every new word it seems the sun shines so much brighter. It was about a year after Paisley was born that I miscarried again and my heart sank and it was shortly after that we realized that there was something special about our little darling Paisley. I struggled deeply because my husband is a brilliant man and I had never considered myself intelligent. It was only in the last year or so that I felt as though I had something to offer my daughters other than my shattered past. God began to work in my a new idea that perhaps I could offer my children an education. 

About 8 months ago my husband began talking to me about wanting more children. In my heart it began to churn some deep pain. In a almost plea I suggested that we adopt. He replied with alright someday but lets try to have another. I want a son from our marriage. Just before we moved to AZ we attended our last marriage study with our beloveds in Washington state. The experience of the delivery with Paisley came up. I believed that there was something wrong with me. That I could not bare children that would be considered intelligent by the world standards and I could not bare to see the crushing blows that the world has to offer others that carry a vastly different calling then them selves. I could not believe that depth of my belief. I did not deal with this deep rooted issue at that time because we were moving and I struggled deeply with leaving. What started to happen was I became fearful of becoming pregnant either of miscarriage or the I would have unbearable complications and deliver a child that would struggle it whole life. I began to put intimacy on the back burner. I do not remember making a conscience effort to do that it was as though I climbed into a shell and rarely brought my whole heart to my marriage. I became to busy and life became to hectic and slowly our marriage began to suffer. 

The enemy is sneaky in the way that he delivers blows. The conversation came up several times our intimacy being under attack and having children finally I said I do not want any more children. My husband in his passionate pursuit of my heart asked if it was because of my fear of how my child will turn out or if I was just ready to move on in life. He new it was for fear and so did I. On the cuff of our conversation I went on a retreat where I had decided that this was becoming an issue in our marriage. A marriage that God had ordained and blessed and provided. I did not feel united with my husband and I new it was because of me. With the determination to work through with God the damage I hit my knees in the stillness of my privet room. There I poured out my  heart to God in the early morning hours. That weekend I released all exceptions of what my children would end up like because of me. God spoke to me about my brilliance to him and the importance my children have in the kingdom of God. I was humbled and moved. 

Isaiah 49

See I have got you engraved in the palms of my hand

your walls are ever before me. 

I began to understand the the love of God for my children has his grip so tightly around them that they are engraved, embedded in the palms of his hands. In order for me to move into a direction of faith I needed to act accordingly. I wrote my husband a letter releasing myself and asked for his forgiveness. This was one and a half months ago and we are now expecting a new baby. My breath is taken by the grace that God has given us. There was no better time for new life to spring into our lives and God new this. I know that the plans God has for my children a vastly larger then any-other, but for today and tomorrow I will rejoice in the freedom of giving life. Although Satan deems to steal my desire my fierce God and husband fought for it and reclaimed it by the tight grip that my God has on me. 

Nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ.