Transformation
June 2010
The Lord is amazing, and I have always wanted to be used by God. There have been times where I did not believe that I was useable or that why would God even want to use me.
April of 09 my husband and I moved to Duvall close to our church because we felt like the Lord had told us to. We moved from a nice size home to one that was quite a bit smaller. That process was painful to watch. The very day that we were committed to moving the upstairs bathroom overflowed in the middle of the night and gathering in the living room ceiling down stairs. My husband herd the water running and went to check it out. He called for men and I began the mopping up process while he went down stairs. On my husbands way down he herd a trickling down the walls. He went to turn on the light an it would not turn on. He turned on some of our free standing lamps and he noticed that the ceiling had wet spots. With even a loader scream for me I came rushing down stairs. Panic in our eyes neither one of us had ever dealt with anything like this ever. I jumped on line to find out the fastest way to fix water in the ceiling. We began drilling holes in the ceiling and water just poured out. It was latterly raining from our ceiling. With over a dozen buckets to catch the water. The ceiling was saved and easily repaired.
We began to doubt wether or not we should move. After all it seemed that it was to hard to move. Edward and I began to fight with each other and the entire process.
We knew were under attack but did not have the confidence to fight the enemy.
From April to July. 09 I went through what would seem to be one of the harder things I have been through. I was in a all out fight with some of the leadership at our church who I was hopelessly in love with. I will not go into detail because it is a book in its self but I discovered many things about myself and my expectation of leadership and my lack of compassion for them. Through my pain of growing up in a colt and then being abused for 13 years I had little to no trust in anyone except God as my leader. Even though I longed for that life of full submission I was tremendously broken and was extremely fearful of trusting others. It came to the point where I wanted to leave the church. Can we not all relate to leave somewhere when we have been hurt? I was laying in our back yard and I was just crying out to God and it was as if the whole world stood still and I herd him auto-ably for the first time and all the things I have wanted to say if that ever happened froze, all I could say was "HI". Yet the God of all the world comforted me with how much he loves me. He said that my church was a gift. And, that I was to preserver. I came in the house about 3 hours later and looked up perseverance and I watched a man speak I went on a journey of deeper healing and fell in love so much more with the gift that God gave me. My entire walk with him began to change.
In Aug of 09 I went on a retreat in Colorado. My church payed for it and because I was still working through my leadership crises I did not want to go. My husband stood his ground and told me to go. During the prep to going all of us who were going met once a week to journey together as woman. It was painful in the extreme for one of the woman who was leading it was the very leader that I was battling with. Several things began to fall apart with in my marriage in the week prier to going. The issue with leadership was on the mend but now my family was falling apart. I did not think I should go it did not feel good to go. I did not have the money to leave and I was afraid that if I was gone things that I could not bare to happen would. The next day we my husband dropped me off and I said a heavy goodbye.
The first night of being there I could not sleep woman were hearing from God and I was not. Though I had herd from him often for some reason I began to struggle deeply. I want to know what it must of been like to not have a broken heart. I felt wrung out and detached. I knew that it was me with the issue that God loved me and he had shown it to me time and time again. Before bed the woman shared how God was beginning to speak to them and it was everything I could do not to walk out. Nothing in me wanted to be there. I felt dead inside and completely alone. I was deeply struggling with something that could not be talked about.
Before the sun peaked over the cliffs of the rocky mountains I went over and filled my cup of coffee and began to pour out this broken place to the Lord. Two of my beloveds came and herd my cry. What would it be like to not be shattered. I felt like a million peaces. The first session of the day began and I herd God speak. He showed me through our speaker that a healed heart was more beautiful than one that was never broken. There in the midst of my shattered remains God brought hope.
The next day I was invited to do something completely crazy and swing. Completely unaware of what I was getting myself into I agreed. The day of no return came and the minuet I was being strapped into a harness and my heart began to pound. While climbing a flight of cold uninviting stairs I herd a band and some fly by screaming. My legs began to get instantly heavy and my eyes began to fill with tears. In what seemed like seconds but was more like 10 minuets I was standing on a platform being asked to sit in the middle of a triple swing. Let me tell you that this is prof that God used the ungodly to transform you. Because there is nothing Godly about dropping off the side of a cliff toward a mine shaft to swing up and do it again. It is my opinion that it is satanic at best. I was freaked out. Then the young man more like a whipper snapper said shell I count to 3 NO I said and I went to finish with I want off and he dropped to landing and I screamed and we fell. I do not know why I do this but when I become frightened I do one or three things faint, scream or I get really puffy and this puffiness takes a few days to go down. With in a couple of hours I began to fill with air and puff up! That day I made an agreement to never do that again.
The following day while I was eating lunch I felt God wanting to talk to me. I herd his prompting before lunch and I kept putting him off. I could not pray over lunch so someone else did. Then I could not pick up my fork. It was as if God himself was holding it down. I got up and ran out for this wresting match with getting public. On a grassy noel facing the Rockies I began to listen. God asked me if I was ready to swing. "What God are you kidding this is going to kill me". Can you not see what my puffy body looks like. Do you not trust me he said. "I replied yes but I a terrified I really believe, God that my body was not designed for these kinda things". I will be with you all the way all the time. While you swing he said I want you to let go and have fun. Not wanting to at all I agreed.
To Be Continued.........
No comments:
Post a Comment